Footsteps
Two voices
A group coming closer
footsteps not audible
They move away
decrease in speed
Footsteps
descending a stair onto pebbles
Sound of pebbles
rubbing against shoes
A soft breeze
Banana leaves fluttering
being slashed into threads
A crowd approaches with more voices
now a bit far away
Voices and horns of buses
Children shouting, yelling
Mix up of voices, footsteps, stone crunching, and the breeze
A loud horn
More shouting’s and shrieking
a sudden thud
Screams
Pain and blood
The door of death
Peace
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Canary word: Present
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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Hi! Acm here for a quick review.
I really liked this poem. It was very descriptive and had good imagery. I could picture exactly what was happening at any point in the story. This was a good piece for a simple idea, but I do have a suggestion.
I understand that this is about the abrupt end to an unknown character, but by the end I feel like the poem didn't explain why we should care or why this should shock us. We know how the character walked off the bus, but what exactly caused this unlikely incident? Was it something as common as texting? Was the driver not paying attention? I just feel like it came too quickly, which could be the point, but we need to know how it happened. She could have been absently walking into the middle of the street, so in a way she could have paid the price for her carelessness. If it was the character's own fault, then that would take some of the meaning from the poem, because I assume that you were trying to say that your life could be taken at any time.
Sorry if this review wasn't too clear, but I hope you found it helpful nonetheless.
--acm
Hi Kaneki.. I see that you love writing pieces in this unique manner which is actually cool.. But I think if you would have specified the genre, it would appeal more to readers.. This work is better than the Apathy of the Weasle.. The poem as well as the title arises suspense in the mind of the readers.. And the ending with Peace is the best part, I think.. I would love to read more of your work because different always attracts me.. Thank You:)