Come back

King here

So, this was pretty emotional and strong in my opinion. It is like a letter to someone you deserve to come back to you, someone you love so much and can not live without, it is really emotional and you show it through many things mostly repeating angry statement like the one in which you want the other person come back to you no matter what. The end was the line that took me and hit me the hardest. I don't want to die alone, this tells a lot about what you actually want to tell to the reader; sadness, tragedy, loss and many others. The shortness is a thing in this work, it does not have many things to look on to say do you like it or not, or do you find something wrong in it. But I like the way the work is written, its current state, but only one thing.

Just silence and darkness. Neither assuring me of your return.

Well, this is an emotional and powerful piece, KanekiManjushage. You provide an evocative sensation of dismay, despair, and loss through the speaker, who has evidently separated with a loved one, waiting for a return that will not come. In that fashion, it's a tragic work, and well communicated. While short, it does manage to pack a lot of feelings within itself, and parades them in full view of the reader. This is emphasized by your careful repetition of "Come back to me," or the tension that consumes the middle of the piece and how it mellows out, making clear your points and imprinting the narrator's sadness and emotional troubles in the mind of the audience. I suppose I'm most impressed by the way that you managed to communicate almost a minimalist plot, providing a set of emotions that grow and fade like the plot of a story itself, all through the speech of the speaker. It may begin as questioning, regretful, and then becomes more frustrated and tense over time, the narrator clearly venting against this love interest. However, by the climax, the story begins to mellow, and this said narrator becomes quieter and sadder, which makes this work all the more vivid and strong by demonstrating the clear theme of depression, and perhaps the five stages of grief. Thus, the mood and themes of your story are impressive, as well as the means by which you communicate them.

Personally, however, my one major problem with this work is how short it is, and how unclear it is. What is the story behind this? What kind of story could you create? The story comes across as emotional, but we, the audience, are only given a piece of what has been happening, and so I'd like to know more. How did they meet? What happened to their relationship over time to lead to this point? Why exactly did this love interest leave? How had the narrator been mean? In that sense, I think, you can craft the mood and theme over a longer piece while providing the readers with a complete picture to view, which can make that said mood and theme all the stronger. Too, I must admit that this story never quite leaped out of me. The imagery was nice, but relatively quiet, especially when it came to the narrator demanding that the love interest return, or the darkness and sadness within her. By crafting a more complete story, and perhaps providing a greater emphasis on more unique and evocative imagery (which may or may not involve pulling out particular sensations from your own live or experiences, or thinking outside the box when it comes to comparisons, as are my usual strategies), I think that this story can come alive and become an even more tragic, emotional piece than it already is. Just something to keep in mind.

Nevertheless, I love this piece! It's dark, well-written, and nicely composed, and I enjoyed reading this from start to finish. Great job!

Normally I'd say "Hello! Sheyren here for a review" or something, but that was to heavy and emotional for me to. Do I read this and read this and read and really liked it. Literally. I pressed the like button. Anyway, I'm here to review, so I will.

Now, there aren't any grammatical error I'm aware of, but I did see some things. Like the spirit of the farmer who died in a tragic tractor accident and now resides in my closet. Oh, and some things in the story. Like the first thing I noticed is the line "Just silence and darkness. Neither assuring me of your return." I feel like the first period should be an ellipses, because then it's easier to notice the connection of the two lines. The first time I read it I had to stop and think about what it meant.

Some other things I noticed... The rythm in this is kind of strange. I wouldn't say it's bad or wrong, but it's odd. Do what you want with that info, but I figure mine as well tell you if my opinion.

Last thing... A space should be after any ellipses... I'm thinking about the first paragraph? Stanza? I'm not sure. I think it's a stanza, actually. My bad. Also, I didn't intentionally use ellipses in this paragraph. Coincidence.

Other than that, great poem-story-somewhere in between! (I think it's a poem... Still working on that.) Can't wait to see more of your works!

-Sheyren

I think this is a very interesting poem, it has meaning but some of the sentences are awakard . I think maybe find some better words , try put it in as a metaphor in the line "did I upset you" I think this poem is good but you need to work on how to format it and your choice of words.

Hello~

This is a very interesting piece, though it conveys the same emotions and ideas that are often seen in poetry. What I want to know is: what makes yours different? I would suggest adding something to make it unique, make it yours, and give the reader something to be excited for.

I think you could work out heightening the emotion- the end is very sobering and somber, while the rest is rather desperate. You start it off nicely, and it gets a bit more frantic. I like where you were going with the lines about the pain in the narrator's heart and the suffocation in the damp room. The second one, especially, was a very interesting comparison. I think you should keep writing things and see if you can come up with some good imagery that's not just about darkness, because I think it could help the piece. Again, the ending is very final and firm, though sad. It's almost a realization.

Of course, these are all just suggestions. I would say above all, just work with the poem a bit more, try to either expand or refine what you have while keeping the core ideas behind it in place. It's a good start, but I think you can get it to somewhere better. Sorry for the short review, but it's a short piece. Keep working at it, and have a nice day!

-Falco