Where the moon glows tenderly in the night sky, I'm longing for you.
I had a hunch the first time I met you, you were my moon.
Slowly time flows, nothing changes..
Loneliness turns its pages.. one by one. one by one.
I'm still waiting for you.
Come.. come dance with me, look me in the eye.
Tell me you won't betray me until I die.
Hold me, kiss me, let me feel the warmth,
Let my wounds heal,
Let me feel I'm real.
Don't cry for me, for I'll be there for you.
Your voice breathes life in me,
I feel I can laugh again.
..you're so close, yet I can't touch your heart.
I wish for you the most, yet our souls are so far apart.
Come... come to me to the place where no one ages,
Where there are no dark ages.
Only our eternal harmony of life.
Tell me I'm your dear,
I'll whisper to you anything you want to hear..
Just don't let go of my hand.
Forever and ever,
I'll be waiting here, for you,
In the promised place,
May in our next life we meet and treasure each other again.
Forever and ever.
Until all the feathers of life wither away.
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
I liked this very much, but it had some issues. Firstly, you often forget a period: "Come..come" should be "Come... come." I also think it would be nicer if you put a semicolon there instead of three periods. You capitalization is also spotty, keep it consistent. Either capitalize all or capitalize none of your lines. Stick to that rule with ryhming as well. All or none. Overall, nice job, I enjoyed this.
-Dreamy
Heya
Here to review as requested! I'm not very good at critiquing poetry so you'll have to bare with me!
Overall
Although this poem was a bit on the cliché side because of the whole 'love' theme, I really liked it! I thought that it was really sweet and you made it original, thank God!
I loved the way you varied your stanzas and some of the descriptions you used were very, very nice. I especially like your last line, it was a really nice ending.
My main critique is about the structure of this, I think. I agree with Snoink; your lines can sometimes seem a little disjointed. I think that you might have edited it since Snoink's review, but I'm still finding some awkward lines. I pointed out the ones that bothered me. All that you need to do is maybe consider rephrasing them somehow, just so that the poem flows better.
My only other real nit-pick is the odd grammar mistake. You sometimes forget to put capital letters where they are needed. You also do '..' instead of '...' which seems to annoy me, for some reason.
Negatives aside, I really did enjoy reading this. I loved some of your descriptions. They were unique and original, well done! I loved how you took a cliché theme but made it different. Your use of original descriptions helped you achieve this as well as the structure of the poem. I also liked the idea of the poem itself, it had a really good, strong message in it.
Keep writing!
xoxo Skins
Hey Kanade!
Hmm... I like the lines, but they seem a little disjointed as they are together! I would probably reorder the sequence of the poem to:
I had a hunch the first time I met you, you were my moon.
Come.. come dance with me, look me in the eye.
Tell me you won't betray me until I die.
Hold me, kiss me, let me feel the warmth,
Let my wounds heal,
Let me feel I'm real.
Don't cry for me, for I'll be there for you.
Your voice breathes life in me,
I feel I can laugh again.
Where the moon glows tenderly in the night sky, I'm longing for you--
you're so close, yet I can't touch your heart.
I wish for you the most, yet our souls are so far apart.
Come... come to me to the place where no one ages,
Where there are no dark ages.
Only our eternal harmony of life.
Tell me I'm your dear,
I'll whisper to you anything you want to hear..
Just don't let go of my hand.
Forever and ever,
I'll be waiting here, for you,
In the promised place,
May in our next life we meet and treasure each other again.
Until all the feathers of life wither away.
Thats quit an interesting poem I love your use of words except for the unecessary repetion.
Also this line "..you're so close, yet I can't touch your heart.
I wish for you the most, yet our souls are so far apart" would have made more sense if it was after line 6 it woul read like this
Slowly time flows, nothing changes..
Loneliness turns its pages.. one by one. one by one.
I'm still waiting for you.
..you're so close, yet I can't touch your heart.
I wish for you the most, yet our souls are so far apart.
Come.. come dance with me, look me in the eye.
Tell me you won't betray me until I die.
Hold me, kiss me, let me feel the warmth,
Let my wounds heal,
Let me feel I'm real.
I also got the very Victorian Shakespeare feel from this poem which I think really says quite a bit about your character. All the same I shall refrain from such discussions and continue with the poetry. So although this poem definitely conveys a very strong message, I think it can be improved by some slight tweaks.
First off where you have a .. put a comma unless it is at the front of the line. This will give it more value just grammar-wise but still keep the same feeling. ..'s are somewhat amateurish due to the fact that they have no name. At least with an ellipsis (...) there is a grammatical way to translate the sign.
Next, consider putting repeated words on different lines such as "One by one. One by one." If you put the second One by one on a line all itself it will better expose it and make the poem clearer instead of just looking as though you wrote something twice. This will also make it feel even more grammatically correct.
Last, this is a personal choice. If you wish, you can go through and after each comma, make it a new line. Sometimes this helps emphasize the commas and give the poem a more exact feel as to how it is suppose to be read.
Wooow. It is like I am watching a round of well deserved chick flicks. Wait, that is an understatement; what I mean is, one of those movies set in the Victorian times.
And when you write,
"Come... come to me to the place where no one ages,
Where there are no dark ages.
Only our eternal harmony of life."
that is so cool. It gives me goosebumps. This poem is like the wife of the cousin, twice removed, to Shakespeare's poem, 'Let me not to the marriage of true minds'. Yep!