I didn't really plan on sharing it anywhere apart from deviantart, since it's VERy personal and I can't even call it a poem, it's more like an emotional outburst. And I didn't want anyone to criticize it, but right now I'm in an okay mood and thought I should post this here for reviews. Please, don't hold back.
This is a poem (or something poem-like) that is dedicated to my grandmother who died in 2010, 4 days before I received my university diploma.
She died because of a specific form of leukemia, she died less than one month later after we found out. She was in her eighties.
She was my mom's mother and we've lived with her and grandfather for our whole life.
She would always nag me about clening, cooking, growing up. I would quarrel with her often, so I can't remember right now when was the last time I told her I loved her, but I'm sure I did at some point in my life. I just wish I told her that more often.
Some time after she died, mom was going through her things and found an old-old letter from her written on old yellow paper dedicated to me in which she told me that I need to be good at various things in order to be successful in life.
I never once cried in front of my relatives when she died, neither during the funeral nor after, because I just couldn't afford myself to be weak when my mom was suffering a lot more than me. I think no one knows about these things.
A few months after her death I had a dream of a vast blue ocean and people, that divided in two groups and one ran to the ocean, awhile the other ran to the mountains. My grandma was there, she said "love you" and escaped to the sea while I ran away to the mountains. Perhaps I should've felt relieved after that dream but I didn't.
My granddad has also been diagnosed with cancer twice, so it's good/bad health from time to time.
I feel like life is changing, everyone's life is like that, and I wonder if I like this kind of life if it's what it really is...
I'm not a mommy's girl and I don't live with my parents anymore, in fact I live in another city now, so I try to give as much as I can to my family both physically and mentally, but I feel like it's never enough. I wonder if I can ever show how truly thankful I am.
The lights of the city at night,
Oh, how dear they are.
They're not as bright
As they seem from afar.
I cherish those moments,
When me and mommy and dad,
And granny and grandpa
Would eat together
Feeling like it's going to be like this forever.
The me, the you that were so full of life,
I will never forget those precious days of my life.
When did it stop?
I hold on to those memories after you died.
Why did you leave?
I never said how much I loved you.
I couldn't cry, I couldn't share,
I had my mommy with everything she had to be bear.
I was useless.
And then I dreamed of the deep blue sea.
I dreamed of people.
I dreamed of you.
The you that confessed your love to me
And waved your final goodbye as you went to the sea.
There's so much I have to tell you.
So much I have to show.
Look what I've become,
Look I've grown up some more.
I'm waiting for you,
Please, come home.
Please, come home.
I was way more moved by your explanation than I was by the poem, which says a lot about your power with prose. You had so much clarity in your explanation. You brought the narrative to life, and I think I agree with you that the poem seems more like a splash of emotion than a well-worked poem. I don't think that it needs to be a poem. I think fleshing out a non-fiction piece on your experience would work much better, bring more specific honor to your experience, and make you feel better too, maybe.
The only part of your poem that spoke to me more than your prose was this:
I'd really like to hear more about your experience in the city. Is it different from where you lived with your parents? Does that make you feel more set apart? Or do you think it would feel weirder to live in a similar style somewhere, just without your parents?
I do have to say that a lot of other people feel the same way you do. Our lives our changing and people are dying and we're coming out of the shell of being protected by our parents, and we miss it SO MUCH and we miss our grandparents SO MUCH, but we can't go back. I think some of us grew up thinking we had the power to do anything -- we could make our parents change their mind or get what we wanted if we played our cards right. But we can't do anything to change death, and we can't do anything to stop the progression of time.
If you REALLY want to work on making this a poem, I'd say take out the "I". I'd say present the feelings and sights and moments you have without bringing your presence in with that word. You're the writer. We know you're present, but bringing in "I" so much actually takes us away from the experience. Show us the sea and the mountains -- that's a strong image from your prose -- don't just skim over it.
It'll take more work to sort this all out, but don't leave it alone. There's a reason you were drawn to this. I hope you can work with it whichever direction you decide to go.
PM me or leave me a wall post if you have questions or comments or just want to talk. Good luck!
Hi Kanade. I admire the effort you gave trying to fill up that empty space left by your grandmother an all, and of course, the time you rendered to pen this lovely poem. And yes, you're right about that, life is getting kinda weirder and weirder every time. Sometimes only the bad happens. Or maybe because we just don't see the good in it?
Everything will be better, I'm sure.
Anyways, thank you for that very open introduction. It put me in your shoes, in your mind, permitting me to feel the poem more. I wish that you would feel better now that you've opened this up. Cooping it in won't do better. Your grandma must be very proud about your degree, your work and now this, your piece, which I will now give a review to.
Again, as you've stated it yourself, this is much more of an emotional burst. That is a very nice declaration to hear from you because it's all right. The poem is set in a remarkable dramatic tone and shared a narrative perspective, a combo where you can easily pour feelings in. I admire the way you had this piece in a very serene manner albeit all the action and emotion circling around it. Lastly, I found your tone very poetic; the use of [i]oh]/i] and the repetition of lines give some sense that it's a traditional poem.
The only complication I found in this piece is how coherent they were. A poem also needs to have that steady flow, we readers need to keep good track of it. Now, your first stanza's all about a vision, an image about how the starts weren't right. The next stanza offers an image of you and your family eating. The connection between the two is a bit far. If this is a convention, then okay, if not, then maybe you can check up on the lines to see which stuff to add or take out. If the first stanza's about stars, tell on the next what the stars are, not directly, just write down who the stars are for you, the emotion and essence of it all.
Other than that, just try to disarrange verses and use literary and figurative devices just to spice things up, to give a better image of what is happening. This can also help in your emotional instances found all around the poem.
That's all I can say. It's a good piece, it just needs a bit of help on the coherence department, but I know you can do it
Your pal,
Al