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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Hey there. This is a really good narrative poem. You do a good job keeping on task of describing the characters, and who they start out as, and the main point of the story, which is that they are touched, and changed. At the end, we even have a twist that they are not only changed, but that one of them needed to be saved, which shows just how far away from good they are. It makes re-reading the poem more interesting and adds another layer of depth just by the last line, which is a great practice to have.
Now the thing that everyone's talking about, pennies. I understand that you wanted to express worthlessness by calling forth the image of pennies, but the sentence is structured so that the setting sounds like it is IS pennies instead of the people being pennies in the setting.
Because we have Like in there, it makes it sound like the thing before it, a setting, is Like never ending pennies.
This could make it confusing for some people who are reading it, and make them wonder how a setting could be like a whole ton of pennies. They're going to start thinking of hills and mountains of pennies.
The other thing about this poem, is punctuation. I feel like it could really be stronger with the structural punctuation instead of oblique lines and stanzas to punctuate it. The reason being, we need to know how you're reading it, and it can immediately improve things like having a whole ton of pennies making a landscape, vs two people abandoned as pennies on the ground. Because you're using the first letter caps rule for this poem and it is a really structured poem, (couplet, 3 lines, repeat) punctuation is going to make it easier to read, give your reader a guideline about where to pause, where to add infliction, and what belongs in a sentence together. It creates a chance to do something called enjambment, or carrying a sentience from one line in a poem, to another.
Personally, when I read this poem, I already read it so that the second stanza is just one sentence, which needs commas. Other people might just read it as 3 sentences. I don't know which one you want, and that can be frustrating.
Hello, K! It's the Dark one, here to review your awesome poem here.
First off, I really liked the way you worded your poem. I especially like the part when you wrote,
"Everyday seemed like a falling stone
A story with a setting like never ending pennies"
That wording really kept me interested as I constantly wanted to see what you would come up with yet. Also I understand its meaning well sort of. I believe it means that what's ever had a setting like never ending Pennies is not worth much, since Pennies are only on cent.
What needs improvement: Nothing!
You poem is flawless, those are hard to come by my friend! (Even though this is the third one I have read today.)
Last, I just wanted to say, great job and keep up the great works! --)
~Dark
This is lovely!!! I'm Kamryn, Hai
Um, I'm only 12 so I get lost easily when I read poems, so it's not something you did, just me being a blonde.
never ending pennies
I don't really get this one, but again, may be me, being a blonde. xD
He saved her
This is a very strong ending <3 All ending I feel should be short, but so strong and emotional and dramatic. I mean, not simple and sweet, but more simple and BOOM. if you know what I mean xD
Over all, I really liked it!!
Thanks for reading until here <3
Kamryn
Awh, thank you!
To explain, pennies are worthless. So never-ending pennies would be a lot of worthlessness. And a setting like never-ending pennies would be a very worthless place to live. I'm basically trying to say, the place she lived in depressed her.
Thank you for reading my poem! c: