Hegira
x
Shadows beg for escape
from such cruel masters,
standing as fools, mouths agape.
Shadows beg for escape.
They reach, begin to scrape,
escaping their disasters.
Shadows beg for escape,
from such cruel masters
x
Loveless
x
Can you survive your own existence?
There's a disease seeking the meek,
preying on the truly weak,
and it's called loveless.
They will cut you down,
until you can't
breathe from the
lack of
love
x
A Sticky Situation
x
Honey;
mellifluous.
Dripping onto your lap,
almost more trouble than it's worth-
nectar
x
Heartache
x
lack-
absence.
without you,
I am nothing-
alone.
x
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
Hi there KLovelace! Looks like you got roped into Aley's structured poetry challenges.
I did too, but like a week late.
Hegira-Form-wise, it looks nice, but I think the "-ape" sound was a bit overpowering. Of course, I'm not so great at structured pieces myself, so I don't know if there's a way around that.
The word "escape" is already prominent in this piece, so I don't think it needs to be repeated. Perhaps something like "fleeing from" or "running from"?
Loveless-This has a good idea behind it, but there's a couple weak points. The rhyming of seek, meek, weak in the second and third lines sounds odd, especially since nothing else rhymes and the form doesn't require it.
I think "it" would be more appropriate here, since you're referring to one disease.
Don't have much to say about the last two, as they're short and sweet. The last one is a tad cliche, but I think it works for the format.
Overall, good job and keep writing!
Review time:
I know how you laid it out looks pretty and all, but to be honest I think that just sticking with a basic stuck to the left hand layout is better because it really brings attention to the words and not the image. I find that the placement of words is also part of the poetry art, and your placement really distracts the eye and I feel it takes away from the words. The only exception to this would be the last poem "heartache" which is short and simple anyway so the teardrop shape is a nice feature.
I like the first poem in its words and rhythm, bu I feel you could have conveyed a stronger meaning here
I completely love this line, and I also like the masters lines, but I feel like I don't know what the shadows are and what they represent. I think you need to turn the shadows into something more defined. Other than that I love it.
Second poem:
The only thing I have to say about this is how you refer to 'loveless', firstly you call it and 'it' then you call it 'they' and you also call it a name 'loveless' and also label it a noun 'disease'. This sort of confuses me a bit, mainly with the 'they' and 'it' bit. Probably out of all the poems this was my least favourite, not saying It wasn't good, I just liked the others more.
I liked the third and I don't really have much more to say about it as goes with the fourth. Anyway happy writing and good job.
This is a bit hard to review, since there are so many different ones. But I will do my best to go through and read and edit each one separately.
Let me know if you have questions! Keep writing!
So, the first one. (Before I begin I have to admit that I've never written any of these style poems, and don't know all the rules to them, so I hope I don't say anything stupid.)
I found the rhyme pattern hard to read. I don't know if that's part of a triolet, but it annoyed me a little bit. I also wasn't sure what the point was. I know poetry is supposed to not give all the information and all the details, but it felt like that one was just written to follow the structure and not so much in regards to the meaning.
The nonet I liked more, especially the first line, it was great! I do wonder who "they" are, since you don't mention any other person until that line. Shouldn't it be "it" in reference to the disease, not they? Also, should there be a period at the end?
The third was pretty short, and I couldn't really find anything to say about it. It was pretty good, but I have to admit not my favorite. Maybe just too short, since I tend to lean toward long pieces.
Okay, well now I'm about to contradict myself. I just said I prefer length, but this one is shortest of all, and it's my favorite. I really love this one, it's so short and simple, but it has a lot of meaning. Just in those few words there is so much that so many people can identify with, and the reader is left to apply it to his or her own situation. It has a whole back story, but the story can change depending on each reader, or each reading, really. I also love the teardrop format, since even the way it looks written down matches the sentiments being expressed in the poem. Beautiful, really. Although I am wondering if there is a reason the first letter isn't capitalized?
This last one the rhyme seemed off to me again, and in a few places I stumbled with the flow. Maybe awkwardly worded? Anyway, I didn't like the repetition very much in this piece, and I wish the rhyme fit better. I think if you switched the beginning two lines around then the rhyme would work more, and I think it fits with the style of the poem.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful, and not harsh. I did really enjoy reading this poems, and am excited to look up the rules and try my own hand at this.
I like these poems. Did you do all of these or did it say you and a few friends?
I wrote them all, my friends edited them.
Very good job on the poems!!!