z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Luis of Abendelly: Chapter 1- A journey of a 1000 miles

by Justlittleoleme2


Luis stood in the door way of his home, preparing for the journey which lay ahead. His belly was a hollow place where butterflies lived. His heart thumped in his chest. It was just a day’s trek to a little place named Aaronsbeith. It promised no real excitement, but to him, who had never so much as stepped foot outside of his home town, it was the most exciting thing he had ever been about to do. It didn't help that it might very well be the last exciting thing he ever did if anything went wrong.

He checked his belt for his bone handled dagger, and tightened the cord that held his lantern. He made extra sure that it was a good knot. The lantern was a family heirloom, a relic from the old world. He'd hear no end of it if he lost the rusty old thing.

He checked his pack for the third time, making sure that every survival implement know to man was inside, and ensuring that the parcel of meat pies, and the letter addressed to his sister were snugly tucked among them.

She was a dragon rider, a courier tasked with delivering mail to the four corners of Wildernoir. In the past, she had always managed to visit them, but this time would be different. Aaronsbeith would be her only stop in their part of the forest, and she would only be there for the night. If he hoped to catch even a glimpse of her and her dragon Isa, he would have to make it to the city before sunset.

Satisfied that everything was where it should be, he strapped on his pack, tightened his boot laces, and stuck out his chest.

"I'm leaving," he said to his mother, who was in the kitchen.

She looked around the corner, wiping flour from her hands with a cloth.

"Did you remember your canteen?" she asked.

"Yep," he said cheerfully.

"How about your map and compass?"

"Mom, the path is marked well enough. I won't need a map."

She shook her head, then walked down the hall and retrieved the map and compass from his bedroom. She tucked it snugly in his pack, then gave him a tight hug.

"Make sure you leave Aaronsbeith first thing in the morning."

"I will," he said, while giving his mother a kiss on her cheek.

He went to go, but she held him a moment more.

"You remember the rules we gave you."

He sighed, and recited: "No making eye contact with strangers. No talking to strangers. No dilly dallying of any kind. Don't touch anything strange. Don't bring any wild animals home. Be home by dinner tomorrow, and never leave the path."

He said the last part with emphasis.

"Good boy," she said, holding him a little closer and resting her chin on his head.

She was having second thoughts. Luis could hear it by the tone of her voice, and feel it by how closely she held him.

He would never get another chance like this one again.

It was by fate alone that there was no one else available, and it had taken every ounce of persuasive power in his possession to convince her that a day trip through the forest was no more dangerous than a trip to the market.

"Don't worry!" he said to her, trying to laugh, "I'll be fine. I promise." He gave her a quick hug, a second kiss, then pulled himself away.

He left his house as quickly as he could, slowing down only to open and close the gate to his family’s home, and wave goodbye to his mother's sheep which grazed in the river meadow. His mother leaned out, watching her son as he went. He dared not meet her gaze.

He trotted past the stone dragon pillars that marked the end of town, and ran down the dusty path towards the forest as fast as his legs could carry him. He set his eyes on the bend in the road, willing himself to reach it before she made up her mind and called him back. When he was safely behind the cover of the trees he skidded to stop and struggled to catch his breath. The light run had winded him more than he liked to admit.

He took a sip of water from his canteen, and straightened his back to look up at the azure sky, sucking in all air he could and pretending that he was drinking it in with every breath. As his breathing evened  Luis was able to hear the forest around him. Birds were singing, bugs humming, and the voice of the river murmured through the trees. He smelled earth, and pine, and the pale sweet scent of meadow flowers. It was as though the very life of the forest was being poured into him. Unable to sit still another minute he skipped off down the trail, excited to see what lay behind every bend of the winding road.

A shadow passed over him and he looked up, stopping lest he tripped. Whatever it was disappeared behind the trees. He waited, and there it was again, a small amber smudge against the sky. Luis pulled out his spyglass in order to get a look at the thing.

But the spyglass was new to him, a birthday gift given by his father just the day before, and he had yet to practice with it on a moving target. He twisted, and turned, and fidgeted with the scope, all the while trying to keep a bead on the creature, which seemed to stay just out of sight. He feared it would be gone again before he got a clear look, then, he near about dropped the spyglass when he did.

A gryphon. A timberline gryphon, guessing by amber color of its feathers. They were cold air creatures, married to the treeline crags. It was rare, if not unheard of, to see one so far down the mountain. Especially during their nesting season.

He watched with bated breath as it danced and wheeled in the sky, riding invisible air currents higher and higher, till it tickled the blue chin of the empyrean. Then when it couldn't possibly fly any higher, it dived so suddenly that Luis's own stomach leaped into his throat.

It fell like a comet towards the earth, then, at the last moment, it pulled up, scratching the backs of the trees with its wing tips.

He breathed a low whistle of admiration.

The creature must have heard him, because it swooped down very suddenly and clapped its wings just above his head. He did what any sensible human would have done: he yelled, threw himself to the ground, and covered his head with his arms.

He laid there, tasting dust with every breath and wondering if the animal was still around, until laughter filled his ears. It was loud honest laughter, and a girl's laugh at that. He peeked from beneath his arms, the gryphon was gone. Instead a tan faced barefoot girl had taken its place. He wondered where she had come from and reasoned she must have come from down the road. Feeling sheepish, he sat up and brushed himself off. She smiled a big smile, showing more than one crooked tooth,

“That critter nearly got ya!” she said, her face glowing.

He couldn’t understand why she seemed so happy, but some part of him knew she meant well.

“Yeah.”

It was the only thing he could think to say. He squinted at her face, trying to make out what sort of person he was dealing with. What he saw were freckles, lots and lots of freckles dotted all over her nose and cheeks. Rosy cheeks that seemed always ready to grin, amber brown eyes that glowed in the sunlight, and bushy little eyebrows that were hooded with concern. Something he hadn’t noticed before. Despite all the laughter, she was worried about him.

“I’m fine,” he said, and her smile grew bigger.

“Good,” she said, then craned her head to get a better look at his backpack. "You going on a trip?" she asked.

"I'm on an errand for my mother. I have to get to Aaronsbeith before nightfall."

She laughed, as though he had told a good joke, then realized he was serious. She smiled mischievously, and said, "You know, I could get you there by lunch."

It was Luis's turn to laugh, " And how would you do that?"

She pointed across the road towards the trees, "Aaronsbeith is half a day that way as the crackle bird flies."

It was true, but no sane person ever stepped foot beneath the canopy of Wildernoir for no good reason.

“Sure,” he said, then rolled his eyes and began to try and get to his feet. She lent him her hand. Luis took it and noticed that her palms were calloused, and her fingertips dyed dark red.

He had been about to say something when she beat him to it,

“Your hands are really soft,” she said, not as though it was a bad thing, but merely a very surprising thing.

“And yours are very calloused,” he replied. “How did that happen?”

She regarded her hands thoughtfully.

“Working in the garden with my grandmother I guess. Pulling weeds is tough work, but I’m the best at it.” She grinned, clearly proud of her hard work.

“How did you get yours to be so soft?” she asked, grabbing his hand back and studying it curiously.

Luis blushed, “I’ve been sick most of my life… so, I guess I haven’t done much with them- besides draw and write,” he added hastily, lest she think he never did anything useful.

She nodded solemnly and released his hand.

“My grandmother was sick for awhile during the winter. She couldn’t do much besides knit.” She began fishing around in her pocket and pulled out small toy fox, made entirely of tightly knitted yarn. “She made this for me, it’s name is Fox. He’s good luck.”

Luis was very impressed with Fox. He had never seen a toy quite like it.

“It’s very beautiful,” he said.

She nodded, and tucked him back into her pocket.

It occurred to Luis that the polite thing to do would be to introduce himself,

"M- my name is Luis, by the way," he said. "What's your's?"

“Amber," she replied. "I’m from the Meadow settlement, it’s down the road a bit. You’re from Abendelly, right?"

“Yes… in a way. I live right outside of the town gates.”

“Oh! You live in that stone house don’t you?!" She sounded very impressed.“ I love that house, it’s so beautiful, and all the sheep too! My Grandmother buys the wool she dyes from your mother in the market.”

Luis wondered why he had never noticed her before, of course, being as nearsighted as he was Luis reasoned he could easily have seen her countless times, but never near enough to recognize her.

“Do you dye wool too?” he asked, she shook her head yes.

“I help out at the house all the time, especially this last year. I’ve been so busy, it feels like it’s been forever since I felt the forest floor beneath my feet.” she stretched out her arms as wide as they went, indicating the entire forest around them, “I can’t even remember the last time I was able to explore the riverside.”

"At least you get to explore," he said, smiling at her exuberance. "I've never even stepped foot on this path before."

She looked at him as though he were a three headed cow.

"Then where in Eildland have you been?" she asked.

"In town. I go to school mostly, but I visit the Perdisco expiscorium whenever I can."

"Ah," she said, as though finally understanding. "You're a man of letters."

He shook his head yes, "You could say that."

"Are you really and honestly saying that reading, writing, and drawing are all you've ever done?" Luis could tell that the thought of it was almost too much for her to believe.

"I do other things," he said, defending himself. "I help card the wool, and spin the yarn. Sometimes I help my father with his clerical work too."

She shook her head and clucked her tongue, " And here you are, about to go off into Wildernoir without an idea where you going, or what your about."

"On the contrary, I know exactly where I'm going, and I know exactly what I'm doing." he crossed him arms to his chest, and looked as business like as possible. "I've studied the map over and down. I packed everything I might need, and planned for anything that might go wrong."

"Listen," she said, putting her hands to her hips. "Walking around with a head full of books and pictures is fine and all, but it won't keep you from getting eaten by screachers, or gobbled by dour hounds. Only experience will help you. That, and a good guide." She indicated herself.

"On the contrary," he argued. "I know from reading books that the best way to avoid either is to carry a lantern." He indicated the lantern at his side, "and, if anything goes wrong, to set camp well before sunset."

He pointed at the sun for emphasis, and startled when he noticed how much time had passed. Not even two steps out of town, and he had already broken two- no, three of his mother’s rules.

“I have to go,” he said, bowing respectfully towards his new acquaintance. "Hopefully we'll meet again sometime."

"Won't need to," she said.

He stopped, "Why not?"

"Simple, because I'm coming with you."

She caught up with him, then walked ahead. The determined look in her eyes told him she wasn't taking no for an answer. He had a hard time understanding why she would be so keen to go with him. Surely she had her own business to take care of. From what she had said she sounded like a very busy person.

But, some small part of him said: It'll be better with company. So, he didn't argue with her.

He caught up with her, and the two of them set off together: elbow to elbow. 

“So, why are you going on this trip anyway?” Amber asked. “It must be something pretty important for your mother to send you all by yourself.”

The way she said “all by yourself” annoyed him. It suggested that she still wasn't convinced that he could take care of himself.

“My sister is a Dragon Courier,” he said. “Normally, she stops by once a month and spends the night with us, but this time her route takes her through Aaronsbeith instead. I’m just taking her a letter from mom, and some food from home.”

Amber was quiet for a moment, “So, then why you? Why not someone a little more road-wise."

There it was again, that tone in her voice that said, "What you're doing is foolish." It was getting under his skin. “How do you know I'm not road-wise?!” he asked.

“You just got finished telling me how you’ve never even left your village, and now your asking me how I know you aren’t road wise?” She sounded incredulous.

“I also just finished telling you that I’ve studied everything I need to know, and prepared for every possible- ” He didn’t get to finish, Amber flew at him, tackled him to the ground, and held his own knife to his throat.

There was fire in her eyes, and a mischievous smile on her face. He could feel the finely sharpened blade of his knife scrapping against his skin. He had seen sheep slaughtered, he knew how easy it would be for her to kill him, if she really wanted to.

“See?" she gloated. "With that clunky pack on your back your easy to knock over, and I’m just a little girl. If you were road wise, you would never have brought so much junk, let alone let me get that close to you. I’m still a stranger you know.”

She let him back up, and handed him his knife. He took it, glaring at her.

She brushed the dust off his backpack, “Don’t take it so hard,” she said with a bright smile. “I’ve beat up all the boys in my village, and they’re way tougher than you."

Luis sighed, shrugging his shoulders. She was shredding whatever self respect he had left.

"Look, just stick with me. I’ll keep you alive, and after this trip you’ll be a whole lot smarter.”

She lead the way again, and he walked after her, this time hanging back and keeping an eye on his new friend. 


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Sun Nov 12, 2017 5:53 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Little. Pan finally here to review. Let's get straight to it.

Nitpicks

from his bed room


'Bedroom' is one word.

close the gate to his families home


Remember apostrophes - this should be 'family's'.

wave good bye


'Goodbye' is one word.

A shadow passed over him and he looked up, stopping lest he trip.


This should be 'tripped', as the piece is in past tense.

He watched with baited breath as it danced, and wheeled in the sky


This should be spelt 'bated'. You also don't need the comma after 'danced'.

it swooped down very suddenly and clapped it’s wings


This should be spelt 'its', as you only use 'it's' as a contraction of 'it is'.

he screamed, threw himself to the ground in a panic, and covered his head with his arms.


I don't think you need 'in a panic' because it's obvious that he's afraid from the rest of the sentence. Try not to over-clarify things that are already clear - leave room to interpret.

He stayed there for sometime


This should be two words, i.e. 'some time'. 'Sometime' as one word is an adverb or an adjective, as in 'come to my house sometime' or 'the sometime minister'.

Tip: if you're uncertain as to whether 'sometime' should be one word or two, replace it with 'a time' and see if it makes sense. Contrast these examples:

Come to my house a time

In this case, it doesn't make sense, which suggests that 'sometime' should be one word.

He stayed there for a time

In this case, it does make sense, which suggests that 'some time' should be two words.

and a girls laugh at that


Again, remember your apostrophes.

He wondered where she had come from and reasoned she must have come from down the road.


I don't think you need to have that first bit - just seems unnecessary.

“That critter nearly got ya!” she said.


You don't need the the apostrophe at the end of 'ya' because 'ya' just about works as its own word. Remember that apostrophes, where they don't indicate possession, are used to replace missing letters.

part of him knew the girl was kindly meant.


I think I mentioned on my review of the first opening that this should be something like:

part of him knew the comment was kindly meant.

A person can't really be kindly meant, only a remark or a comment. 'Part of him knew the girl was trying to be kind' would be fine.

“And your’s are very calloused.”


'Yours' doesn't need an apostrophe, same as 'its', 'hers', 'his', and 'theirs' don't.

Luis was very impressed with Fox, he had never seen a toy quite like it.


Comma splice. Swap the comma for a full stop.

"M- my name is Luis, by the way." he said, "What's your's?"


Check out this article for a quick refresher on punctuation in dialogue. You forget to close dialogue with commas, and you follow up 'he/she said' with a comma even when a full stop is appropriate. This should be written as:

"M-my name is Luis, by the way," he said. "What's yours?"

But just check out that topic. It'll walk your through all the tiny basics and help you get the piece shipshape.

or what your about.


This should be 'you're'.

Overall Thoughts

1) On the whole, I think this is a stronger opening. It does get to the point quicker and seems to have a clearer arc, which is great. I like that Luis is a more active protagonist, and that the story is led by his actions rather than just by consequential things happening to him. I'm glad that you haven't changed too much of his interaction with Amber, as well, because I think that's strong.

2) There are a few things that could be done to improve it. Aside from fixing the small grammatical errors (which is easily done - don't sweat that too much) I think you could do with making the opening a little more gripping. Don't get me wrong, it is lovely, but it doesn't quite have a hook that pulls me in the story. I think this mostly rests on how the chapter ends. At the moment, the only plot progression we've seen is that Luis has befriended Amber, and they're setting off for Aaronsbeith happily together. There isn't quite enough jeopardy for me.

Consider if Luis set out on his journey, saw a gryphon, and in his desperation to escape ended up hopelessly lost. As the sun is sinking, he is found by Amber, who promises she can get him to Aaronsbeith before the sun sets completely, but that the shortcut involves passing through a patch of forest that is turns savagely dangerous at night. He has to choose whether to trust her and take the risk of going through the forest, or to try and find his own way back to the main path before it gets dark. He chooses to trust her, and the chapter ends with them walking deeper into the forest.

This is completely just an example - I know you have plans for where this story is going to go and the last thing I want to do is hijack that. However, this may provide food for thought as to how you could work jeopardy into this first chapter.

My point is that I'd like this to end more on a note of 'oh man, what's going to happen next?' rather than the more neutral 'okay, let's see where this goes'. I am being harsh on you because I know you're a good writer and I love this story, so I want to see you get the best out of it. It's going to take a lot of tries before you find the perfect intro. Openings chapters are nightmares to get right.

3) I love that bit where Amber says 'as the crackle bird flies'; it's great that you're toying with our idioms and fitting them to reflect the world of the story. It gives a richness to the setting.

4) To sum up, I think you're on the right path with this opening, but it might need some toying with before its at its absolute best. Don't be disheartened! In one of my in-progress works, I've rewritten the opening three times and I'm still not happy with it, and it'll doubtless go through many more drafts until I'm satisfied. They take time. It's best to just keep going with it - get the story written, then see about revisions later. It's a lot easier to work out what to do with your story once you have the bones of it.

Can't wait to read more! I'm sorry it took so long for me to get round to reviewing this.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Mon Nov 06, 2017 4:52 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hello again!
Sorry that I never got to your other chapters, but since you revamped a little, I'll pop in to review this one. :)

Right off the bat, I think you made Luis a stronger character with the preparedness and the rule-following, and I like that you started him off at home, interacting with his mother.

slowing down only to open and close the gate to his families home,

Just FYI, it would be "family's", since he (presumably) only has one family, and it's their home. I think you've got a few other spots with incorrect apostrophes, just letting you know so you can watch out for them.

Unable to sit still another minute he skipped off down the trail, excited to see what lay behind every bend of the winding road.

Previously you said he didn't need a compass since the road was straight, but this sounds like the total opposite. Maybe he doesn't need a compass because the road is wide, obvious, well-marked, well-traveled or clear instead?

A gryphon. A timberline gryphon, guessing by amber color of its feathers. They were cold air creatures, married to the treeline crags in the north. From the little he had read of them, it was rare to see one so far down the mountain.

You say he hasn't read much on the gryphon, but if he can specifically identify what type it is and where it lives, that's pretty good! Maybe it's just a locally known fact, or maybe he actually has read up on it. Either way, you should make it a bit clearer.
Also, I hadn't imagined the forest as being at the foot of the mountains before- maybe you should have him add to his rule reciting "no going up into the mountains"? The pine trees do help with the image of an alpine forest, though maybe you could add some more emphasis to key traits of the forest so that the setting is a bit clearer (although I'd imagine more about the forest is revealed as he stays there longer).

Overall, I think you've made a lot of improvements! I love the interactions between Amber and Luis- they seem to be childish, yet deep, and their friendship dynamic is pretty good!

If Luis is sick and has mostly been at home, why would his parents send him out for a day and an entire night too? Maybe no one else is available. Whatever the case may be, perhaps you could have Amber ask him why and he could clearly tell her why no one else could do it. Or his mom could remind him why it's important that he go on this errand!

Also, if Luis is going to a town, why must he still set up camp?? Wouldn't he be able to stay at an inn or something? And what exactly is he supposed to do there? Maybe these things will be revealed later.

Nice job on this, I really think you did better on this! It's more exciting than previously, with the ominous mention of the creatures in the forest, and the contrast with Amber's wild nature with Luis's bookishness. Great job!! :)

-Q






Aghh! So many errors, and missing information. v.v

Most of them were an easy fix, but a few of them I will have to work on more.

Thank you for your review!



Que says...


It%u2019s okay that you don%u2019t have the info, since you probably shouldn%u2019t dump allll of it in the first chapter, but it%u2019s just some questions and food for thought as you continue on! :)




I'm getting nachos~
— BluesClues