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Keep to the Path - A poem of Wildernoir

by Justlittleoleme2


The moon burns through the trees like firelight.

The stars are like embers in the quiet night.

Wild beasts tumble from their beds with a mighty yawn.

Dusk is to them as the coming of the dawn.

As we work our work, under the sun.

So they work their work, so take caution.

Their deeds are dark, wicked, and twisted.

They take pride in the fallen they have hunted.

Fool’s folly is the tool of their trade,

To trap a man in the trouble he has made.

So if your soul you wish to succour,

Keep to the path,

Only a fool wanders Wildernoir. 


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24 Reviews


Points: 4033
Reviews: 24

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Thu Jan 24, 2019 9:58 pm
paperforest wrote a review...



Hi! You've got some nice imagery here, I really like the way the poem felt like it was from this wild land, and your rhymes are nice and natural. There are a few things that feel off, though.

The first thing that caught my eye was the word "succour". It feels out of place because it's a relatively uncommon word in a poem that doesn't use any other unusual words. Also, according to my dictionary it means to help or aid, which to me doesn't seem quite right in that context. To me, the phrase "save your soul" uses the word save in the sense of "keep" and "keep safe". I can see what you're going for, with it being a similar meaning and a near rhyme, but it doesn't quite hit the mark for me. I would suggest rephrasing the last three lines so that you don't have to rhyme with Wildernoir - one thing you could do is make these lines rhyme:

"So if your soul you wish to succour,
Keep to the path,"

and then end with the last line without trying to rhyme it. That would give it a nice emphasis, since all through the rest of the poem every line was part of a ryming pair. If you don't change it, I'll just point out that "Keep to the path, Only a fool wanders in Wildernoir" is a comma splice. I think it would also fit better with the style of the rest of the poem to end "Keep to the path" with a period.

One other thing that seemed slightly out of place to me was the line:

"Wild beasts tumble from their beds with a mighty yawn."

In the rest of the poem you characterize these beasts as being terrifying and "dark, wicked, and twisted", but this line puts me in mind of a children's book. The tumbling from beds and the yawns anthropomorphize them in a gentle way that doesn't mesh with your other descriptions of them, although I do like how they sort of progressively get scarier throughout the poem, and if you want them to seem nice at first sight (like that's how they lure people into the woods?), then it does work. If that's what you're going for, then the only thing that bothers me is that the beats and beds are plural, but their yawn is not - it doesn't really make grammatical sense, and changing it to "yawns" wouldn't hurt the rhyming.

I also agree with Eaglefly about the "work our work" and "work their work" lines. I would suggest something along the lines of "as we do our work" and "so they work their evil".

That's all I've got for you now, hope it's helpful! Overall, I like your poem, it flows really nicely, and the whole thing works together to give the feeling of a dark, dangerous world.




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274 Reviews


Points: 22619
Reviews: 274

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Tue Jan 22, 2019 10:36 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi there @Justlittleoleme2 I am here to do a review on your poem, first grate length here.

what I loved about the poem
I really liked this I feel like there is a lot riming in here, and the lines go really well to gather, I was really happy reading this, so as you no I really like this I mite still have a bit of nit picks about it but not much, and I hope with will help you, so I don't think that there is much that I needed to fix or rather to say help you with, so I think it is really, it is not easy writing a really good poem I no.

what I think mite need fixing

As we work our work, under the sun.
okay so I really feel like you just should not have said work twice here, I will try to help you think of another way to write it. so I will put this down in suggestions for you.

So they work their work, so take caution.
I am not really even shore if this line should be there, but if it is then well the work bit is said way to many times so I will change that like I did with the other in suggestions for you.

suggestions
1: As we did our working job, under the sun.
2: So they do their work, as they take caution.
So that is all that I can say about this poem, and if I came across as being to harsh and unfair then pleas for give me for it, so keep up the grate poem writing.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill





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