E - Everyone

Frost and Flame - continued

The silence between them grew long, but that was okay. Nothing needed to be explained. Not really. They had spoken this over, time and time again. Planned what they would do, where they would go.

But now, here it was, and it didn't look anything like they had expected.

The sky far above them looked so inviting.

“I wish I could fly,” Ariel said, she sighed as she said it, ”Everything would so simple then.”

“We could always leave,” Nathaniel offered.

Ariel could tell that he meant it. He'd really leave everything behind. His family, his home, the reputation he'd spent his whole life building. All just for her.

It should have made her happy, and it did, for a second.

“You love me too much.” She said, wincing as she said it, as though it were a fact that he had been blind to. As though now he'd see he had been wrong.

She felt his hand curl tightly around her`s. He laid her hand over his heart.

When he spoke his voice was gruff and quiet, “I can't promise you any kind of life. Not like the one that weasel stole from you. But, “ he stopped, overcome by some powerful emotion. Ariel could feel his pulse racing against her palm. “ You would always be loved too much, and always.”

He fished something from his pocket, a ring made of turquoise stone, hand carved, roughly shaped, but polished so brightly it glowed in the sunlight. He pressed it into the palm of her hand, “It's yours if you want it. If you'll have me.”

Ariel was at a loss. Joy, inexplicable joy, and yet the feeling that this was all in the wrong order.

“I was going to propose at the festival tonight, but that darned things been burning a hole in my pocket ever since I made it. It's why I came back,” he laughed,” Lucky thing too.”

“It's almost like fate,” she said, she too was quiet, but it was a different sort of quiet. Nathaniel leg go of her hand and covered his face with his arm, waiting for the blow he knew was coming.

“Fate has never been kind to me. I don't see why I should start trusting it now.”

He sighed deeply, “This isn't about trusting fate. This is about moving forward the best way you can. What else can we do?”

“I could kill that scheming fox,” she was sitting up now, face screwed up with rage.

“Ariel, you can't just go around killing people because they`re evil. Besides, as wicked as the man is, it isn't like he's actually killed anybody.”

She shook her head, “Yes he has. As far as I see it. He killed her Nathan. He killed her bit by bit, sucking the life out of her like- like a leach. A squirming, slimy, lecherous beast.”

Nathaniel was quiet.

“He deserves to die, to suffer bit by bit, just like she did,” Ariel slammed the roof with her fists,”If only I hadn't thrown my knife so carelessly.”

“and what if you had succeeded? What then?” he sat up, looking her in the eye, streaks of tears drying on his cheeks, “Then, as far anyone would be concerned, you'd be the murderer. A justified murderer perhaps, but still a murderer, and with half the soldiers loyal to him, with their word against yours. The minute they investigate, and trust me they will, you will be thrown in jail, if you're lucky. And then the debt collectors will pour in like vultures on a carcass. Whatever is left of this castle, do you think it will go to you? No, it will go to the next male heir, whoever he may be, and God have mercy on whoever it is. These walls will become just as much a burden to him as they have been a prison to you.”

“Do you think I'm an idiot?” She said, “That I was just going to kill him in broad daylight? I had everything planned out, down to the last letter. I would have framed one of those ditsy maids of his, for one.”

“Which one? Charlotte? Maggie? Sarah?” his voice had been passionate but gentle before, now it was hard with anger.

“No, no one we know. I'm not that heartless.” She said gently, trying to calm him down.

“So if we don't know them that makes it okay?”

Ariel growled in frustration, “No. I wouldn't have just chosen anyone. It would have been someone who deserved it. The only reason I hadn't done it yet was because I was still deciding.”

They sat in silence a moment, each digesting what the other had said.

It was Nathaniel who spoke first, “So what do you plan to do now. Get a new knife, go back to plotting in your tower, waiting for someone to stop being human long enough for you to hate them too?”

No, that wouldn't work, but she couldn't bare to just run away.

“Look,” he sighed, and looked down at his feet, rubbing the back off his neck, “It's a long shot, but maybe we could find a lawyer.”

It was an idea, but lawyers were rare. She didn't know where to find one, and even if she did, where would they get the money to pay one?

“Lawyers are for rich people Nathan. I'm only a noble by name.”

“I've been saving-,” he started to say, but Ariel cut him off.

“You’ve been saving for a plow horse.”

“This is more important than a horse,”

“No, it isn't. A good horse would make a future for you.”

Nathan said something sweet and selfless, but Ariel was lost to her own thoughts. All this talk about horses had sparked her imagination.

There was a stable just to the other side of the roof they sat on. If they could get down there, somehow, without being seen, they would have their choice of horses, and other beasts as well.

Perhaps, the sale of one of those beasts could fetch a profit, and there were plenty of good horses for Nathan to choose from.

It was the answer.

But how would they do it without being seen? How would they escape? And how would they keep anyone else from following them once they did?

An evil smile crept onto her face. Simple, she would choose that one. 

“Nathan, do you remember when dear old uncle bought that lizard thing.”

“You mean the one they had to bound head and tail to keep it from killing everyone?”

“Yes, that one,”

He shuddered, “You mean he actually kept the beast?”

She smiled, and nodded.

“Well what about it?”

“Well, he keeps the poor thing barred and shackled. They throw it a goat once a week, and clean it's stable once a month. Poor dear hasn't seen sunlight in ages. I was just thinking, the only right thing to do would be to liberate it."

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Bloodlord
Comment

This is an interesting second chapter, and I love the anticipation and tension you build at the end.

Just a few things I noticed:

--"I wish I could fly," Ariel said, she sighed as she said it, "Everything would be so simple then."--

I don't think all of this fits into one sentence. Maybe something like " 'I wish I could fly,' Ariel said. She sighed as she said it. 'Everything would be so simple then.' " or " 'I wish I could fly,' Ariel said, sighing as she said it. 'Everything would be so simple then.' " would work better?

--No, that wouldn't work, but she couldn't bare to just run away.--

Homophones are pretty tricky! Instead of 'bare', 'bear' would be correct. A simple change in letter order can make a big difference!

--"Nathan, do you remember when dear old uncle bought that lizard thing."--

Since 'do you remember' is the start of a question, instead of a period at the end you should put a question mark.

--I was just thinking, the only right thing to do would be to liberate it.--

This was a little awkward. I think something like "I was just thinking - there's only one right thing to do. Liberate it." might be better.

Everything I say here is just my opinion, so you should pick and choose for your work. Can't wait to read more!

User avatar
Bloodlord
Review

This is an interesting second chapter, and I love the anticipation and tension you build at the end.

Just a few things I noticed:

--"I wish I could fly," Ariel said, she sighed as she said it, "Everything would be so simple then."--

I don't think all of this fits into one sentence. Maybe something like " 'I wish I could fly,' Ariel said. She sighed as she said it. 'Everything would be so simple then.' " or " 'I wish I could fly,' Ariel said, sighing as she said it. 'Everything would be so simple then.' " would work better?

--No, that wouldn't work, but she couldn't bare to just run away.--

Homophones are pretty tricky! Instead of 'bare', 'bear' would be correct. A simple change in letter order can make a big difference!

--"Nathan, do you remember when dear old uncle bought that lizard thing."--

Since 'do you remember' is the start of a question, instead of a period at the end you should put a question mark.

--I was just thinking, the only right thing to do would be to liberate it.--

This was a little awkward. I think something like "I was just thinking - there's only one right thing to do. Liberate it." might be better.

Everything I say here is just my opinion, so you should pick and choose for your work. Can't wait to read more!

User avatar
Radrook
Review
Radrook wrote a review · Mon Jun 25, 2018 2:08 am

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:


Thanks for offering the second chapter to this very interesting novel. Nice how he lovingly guided her along in the previous chapter until she could find safety. The way she hung on for dear life was very realistically described.

The dialogue style in the present chapter is one that I like. It flows smoothly reveals more background info concerning the speakers and it is always clear who is speaking. Something akin to the way Hemingway used dialogue without the distracting dialogue tags.

I like this chapter but I am becoming concerned on why Nathan finds Ariel so appealing as to offer her marriage. Being murderously inclined and smiling in an evil ways as she did when she hurled the knife at the maidservant and now as she speaks of murdering her uncle isn’t exactly what is traditionally considered feminine nor a positive personality trait for a human being regardless of gender. Such a characteristic actually detracts from beauty. But then again she has mousy hair and her beauty hasn’t been extolled. So it isn’t clear whether beauty is the main reason. But if it isn’t, then that makes an answer to the question even more necessary.

So maybe it is best to tell the reader why the boy is irresistibly attracted to her in the first chapter. Does he see a noble heart that has been embittered and hopes it can heal? In other words, was it another Ariel he fell in love with and is now merely having patience with this version hoping that she will somehow return to the way she had been when he fell in love with her? That explanation would explain the phenomenon.

Question:

If the Lord of the manor, her stepfather, saw her go out the window, wouldn’t he have alerted the guards already? One would expect him to peer out the window down at her. Try to get something to break her fall. Having him vanish mysteriously for so long seems a bit far fetched. It forces the reader to ask what he is doing all that time. Why didn’t he peer out the window after her? Where are the guards? How can they have time to calmly sit on the roof having a debate about his murder? Perhaps having him stumble down the spiral staircase and knock himself out as he rushes to seek help will explain his absence? Or having him wish that she did fall so as to get rid of the problem once and for all would explain it?

Good question.

Dear old uncle is biding his time. Like a true predator, he's not going to waste his energy. He knows that she has to come down sometime, and he's placed guards at every possible point of descent. Maybe... I could tell the next chapter from his perspective... That might give some insight. And it might be sort of fun.

You're on the right track with Nathaniel`s motives. He feel in love with Ariel when they were both children. I'll try and work in more of the way he's thinking about all this.

Thanks again for another one your in depth reviews!



Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning