Whoever said that a rose by any other name was just as sweet, didn’t know what they were talking about. Sure, a rose would be a rose, even if it was named wild stink vine, but if a rose was named wild stink vine, who would bother to smell it?
No one.
At best, it would be ignored.
My name was Catalina. Perhaps in your world Catalina means something good, like beautiful or pure. But in my world Catalina was the name of a driving wind, a tempest that was known for rising up out of nowhere and destroying ships at sea. There were many women without husbands, many children without fathers, and many parents without their son’s because of the Catalina.
If you even mentioned the name before a sea voyage people would look at you as though you had cursed the whole ship and its crew.
One might ask why a loving parent would give their child such a name. It’s simple, because I was my father’s Catalina, the storm that took everything from him. My conception had been… premature. My parents had married quickly in order to preserve their honor. Marriages in my village are grand affairs, and any marriage that wasn’t was regarded with suspicion.
So my parents began their life together without a pennent to their name. My father who was a sailor by trade, took on a lengthy sea voyage which promised to pay well. He had hoped to return home a rich man, well able to provide for his new family. But the voyage was ill fated, met by storms and mutiny. He was gone for my mother’s entire pregnancy, only to return pennentless on the day of my birth. Which was also the day my mother died.
I was my father’s Catalina, and he never let me forget.
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I hope her name is this foreshadows her personality and how she faces hardships.
"a driving wind, a tempest that was known for rising up out of nowhere and destroying ships at sea"
It would be a good personality for a character. Or you could have her completely the opposite, small and meek until she snaps and just destroys everything. I like the story, I think the mythos could be improved. Perhaps a nonlinear start that could add to the hook.
For example:
"My father came back the day I was born. He came back for me. Not to support me, but to punish me. To punish me for all his ill luck, to blame me for all his ill tidings. He came back with the three things he said I gave him, scurvy, three teeth, and only one ear."
Right now your hook is way better than this but I feel like a direct, nonlinear, introduction would be better for this sort of thing. You can wright better than me so feel free to take this and do what you can with it so that It meats your standards. As I am only an amateur don't assume I know better. I could easily be leading you in the wrong direction. Love the story, keep it up!
"Scurvy, three teeth, and only one ear." Ha! xD I like that, it's dramatic, but with a sense of humor at the same time.
I see what you mean and I'll give it a bit of thought for sure.
Don't sell yourself short Yoyou, you're a great writer. ^-^
Hey there, Justlittleoleme2! I really enjoyed reading this piece, so I wanted to leave a quick review -- some food for thought, maybe. (I just typed this out and realised I was assuming the character's gender, forgive me; I'll go with she/her for now, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.)
Just briefly, there are some grammar and punctuation points I want to bring up:
This is a tiny nitpick, but as far as I understand it, colons are commonly used to replace 'such as' phrases, in which case the 'like' is redundant. A little further into the same paragraph, you have something centered around the rule of threes; the 'and' before 'many children' isn't needed there either, from a grammatical perspective, and also because it makes the third clause sound more satisfying. You could keep it to engineer a sense of fatigue and resignation, but that's just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt! Aside from that, there are just a few misplaced/missing commas, but they're easily found (and easy to forget, me too); overall it reads very well.
Moving onto what I mainly wanted to talk about: characterisation. The premise of this story is intriguing! I really like the fact that we get to know the narrator through their namesake, but inversely, it is precisely because of that unreliable portrait of destruction they claim to be viewed as that the reader is encouraged to see them as being something more. To me, it feels like Catalina's apparent cynicism and self-effacing introduction leaves me eager to understand her better. It's not an uncommon technique, if that was your intention, but it's nicely done. Going on from that, since there isn't a lot of extensive world-building going on just yet, we're left with Catalina as the focal point of this passage -- and I would suggest refining the first impression she leaves on the reader.
Our interest is already piqued by her reticence, and a lot can be revealed just by the way she speaks; however, after reading this, I wondered why I didn't feel as deeply invested in her story as I expected myself to be. Of course, this all depends on the kind of person she develops into, whether there is more to come in this story, whether you want the reader to sympathise with her plight, and so on. I'm going to persist under the assumption that she is revealed to be a kind character with a lot of potential, but you can interpret this however you want, and tweak it to you liking.
Catalina comes off a bit like weak tea: infused with various fragrant flavours that are just out of reach, because the entire composition is a little washed out. For example, one thing I've noticed is that she seems very mature -- she is empathetic towards her father and understands his struggles, has enough tact to rephrase her conception as 'premature', and even the fact that her father 'never let [her] forget' suggests either she is now advanced in age and is looking back over her life, or that her father has passed away.
Yet there is another aspect of her that conflicts with and enriches the way she is presented. Her hesitation before 'premature' reads to me like sarcasm or self-deprecation, and she also seems to faintly mock the superstition of sea voyage people. I can't imagine anyone who is treated like the personification of a devastating tempest to grow up, among all the fear and disgust, and feel nothing but altruistic compassion. Thus, I want to know more about the darker side of Catalina, if you will -- her resentment, how her self-esteem has suffered, how much she blames others and how much she loathes herself -- as well as the part of her that is 'beautiful, or pure', because it couldn't have been mere coincidence that something with such a beautiful meaning could be assigned to such a disaster. I'm not suggesting you delve into the depths of her mind, because I'm guessing that's not the style made for how this appears to be written. Rather, I'm looking for little asides: how she can't help making an incisive remark about the superstitious crew, or how her phrasing subtly reveals a reluctance to talk about herself, or a reason for the matter-of-fact way in which she narrates her story. Given that she is addressing this to someone in another 'world', although it could mean just a different community/mental landscape, I am also curious about her reasons for writing (which may be revealed later, but hints might be given; how does she know that the other world also has ships and pennents?).
This turned into more of a monster than I had intended, but I hope that it helps in some miniscule way! Feel free to PM me/comment if you have any questions, and I'm excited to read more of this, and your writing in general.
-belv
Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful review Belv! It is much appreciated. ^-^
Well written, as much as I love this site that is uncommon. I loved how you started with a rose and then pointed out how it was nothing more than an annoying vine the started to story kinda vise versa. Maybe it’s foretelling that even though he’s named after a storm and brought bad luck that he’s a rose of sorts that the reader will discover, just a thought. Would love to see where this goes... if you ask me you should have a little romance after all the best stories have a tiny bit of it. Please continue it.
Thank you for your review! I agree, a little romance is always welcome in a story. ^-^
Wow! This is a very powerful read! I love the introduction which quotes that poetic statement about the rose from Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet. Makes plenty of sense.The composition flows very well and kept my attention until the end. Made me feel the discomfort that the speaker felt at being tagged that way,
I totally sympathize with how the speaker feels and don't blame her for having changed her name. In fact, all names given to children at birth in China are provisional. That's to say that once they are grown up they are free to choose their own name. Now that makes plenty of sense. My father was named Hipolito, which I once discovered means trampled by horses. I was also given a name I don't feel quite comfortable. My mother changed her name from, Alba to Magaly when she was forty two years old. So it really is never too late to do it.
Thanks for sharing.
suggestion
only to return pennentless
Don't you mean penniless?
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/penniless
Thank you for your review!!! ^-^ In the character's world pennet means nearly the same thing as penny, but not quite.