z

Young Writers Society


12+

Intangible Prologue

by Josie24


Author's note: So, I had a dream a while ago, and it haunted me until I created a story around it. I hope you like it, and feel free to correct my spelling/grammar and ask questions! This is my first time allowing others to see my stories, so... fingers crossed! I'll try to put out the next portions of the story weekly.

"Callie! Where are you going?!” My best friend, Katrina asked me. I’m an idiot, because I forgot about my sisters when I agreed to hang out after school.

“I forgot. You know how my parents always forget me and my siblings exist, or just don’t care? Turns out, Mom is still at work, so I have to rush to get to Minnie and Mandy’s bus stop or they’ll try to go home by themselves. I swear, why would people put an elementary school bus stop at such a busy intersection?” I say this all while running towards the bus stop.

Their school and mine gets out around the same time, so I have to race to get there. I am just across the street…

No! The bus is gone, and Minnie and Mandy are halfway across the street, in the lane of a big truck bearing down on them, but they don’t seem to notice. Katrina gasps in fear, and I start to cry, knowing what’s about to happen…

As I drop my book bag and dash to where they are, I hear a cry of “No! Don’t go! Calliope!” coming from behind me, where Katrina is standing. I don’t care. All that matters to me are my precious siblings, those I would protect with my life if it came down to it. It did. Pushing them out of the way, I dimly hear a crunch and the squealing of tires as my vision starts to fade.

Tears still stain my cheeks, and I hear Katrina cry into the phone. Suddenly paramedics are all over the place. When did that happen? I grasp the arm of the nearest one, but they could unclasp it easily if they wanted to. My strength has all left me, spent by my previous actions. I would do it again if I had to, no matter the pain.

“Minnie? Mandy?” My breaths are unsteady, and my voice is shaky, but he understands.

“The girls you pushed out of the way are safe.” He says, voice cracking.

“Phone in back.. Backpack. No-no lock. Tell our parents. Don’t leave them alone. I-I love-” I start choking, but I have to finish it- “I love them more than any pain this world could throw at me.”

I hear wailing, crying. I think, Tell my sisters not to cry. They don’t deserve to. but can’t move to tell them. They call my parents. My mom starts to sob. Huh. They do care. Just busy. My vision is going, and the pain is leaving my body now. I feel funny.

My only wish now is that I could continue to protect them…


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18 Reviews


Points: 805
Reviews: 18

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Sun Feb 23, 2020 1:08 am
2Stareyes wrote a review...



WOW THAT WAS GREAT!

My thoughts:

Calliope:
Wow that is a great sister and something I can totally relate to because I would have done that. She seems to be more than just a sister more like a second mother of sorts if you get what I mean.

Minnie and Mandy:
Those girls need to learn to stay there till their sister comes back for them.

Parents:
Those are really bad parents! They need to care more for their little children then just leaving them alone! Calliope might have died (Maybe she did I dont know) And they dont care!

All around:
An epic prologue! So proud of the writers I have met on this website!




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Sun Jan 26, 2020 6:31 pm
writerkitty wrote a review...



Hello! It's writerkitty, here with a review for you on this fine day :D

First off, this is a neat prologue. I liked how jumped right into the main scene without writing any lengthy information or introductions.

The length is really good too, it's not too long or too short and gives just the right amount of detail for the reader to understand what's going on, and where the novel is heading off to.

Usually, in a prologue, we don't get to learn much about the characters, but you provided enough information to make it clear that the protagonist (I assume she's the protagonist) has a tight bond with her siblings while her parents are usually too busy to pay attention to them. And Katrina seems like a nice and caring friend. I think this is enough detail about the characters for now since this is just the prologue, I'm intrigued to know what happens to them in the next chapter.

You started the prologue with the main character rushing off to pick up her younger siblings and provided the reader with a bit of information about the characters and the relationship the main character has with them through her thoughts, which is pretty neat and not distracting.

And the way you ended it, has the readers hooked! Did Callie die? what happened to her? what will happen to her siblings?
You managed to fill the readers head with a lot of questions which in turn would have them excited to read the next chapter. ^^ This is amazing because if you manage to keep the readers interested enough, they'll keep on reading your novel.


:D There were a few slight wording errors here and there, but I'm not going to point them out, because I don't want to repeat what the other reviewers have said. ^^

:D This is a really neat start, and I'll definitely keep on reading your wonderful novel.

Keep up the good work!
writerkitty ^^




Josie24 says...


Thank you. I like all reviews, especially ones that help me with my writing, but ones like this help me (and my laziness) to continue to pursue story ideas. I will continue to write this story to the very end, no matter what (this'll be the first I'll actually follow-through, so fingers crossed). Thanks again.



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142 Reviews


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Sun Jan 05, 2020 8:47 pm
looseleaf wrote a review...



**My Thoughts**

Hey! LZ here with a review! I really liked this prologue! It sets the stage well for the future chapters (which I have read at this point).

**Formatting and Grammar**

I didn't catch anything wrong with formatting! It looks very neat. The only thing I have to ask is, why is the second to last paragraph indented on every line? The whole paragraph is indented, which looks a bit out of the ordinary compared to the rest of the prologue.

I also did not notice anything wrong with grammar except for one thing. After the first time Callie speaks, it says: "I say all this while running towards the stop." Two things.

One, change "all this" to "this all". Second, change "the stop" to "the bus stop". The first one sounds better, the second one makes it more specific. Also, you could shorten the dialogue. I believe the review before me covered this also.

**Punctuation and Capitalization**

I didn't notice any mistakes for these two categories!

**Characters**

Callie: Seems like a good soul. She actually likes her siblings, unlike some people (me included)! I really like how good of a person she is.

Katrina: No comment. She sounds like an awesome friend.

Minnie and Mandy: You didn't really give us much information about them, but they seem young. 7/8ish?

**Quick Review**

No formatting mistakes, some grammar. I like the characters!

Keep on writing and have a great 2020!




Josie24 says...


Thank you for reviewing this! If you go back to the story, you'll notice I've implemented the changes in grammar you suggested. My thanks, as I noticed the transition there wasn't as smooth as I had wanted it to be, but I didn't know how to fix it.



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Points: 39
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Sat Dec 28, 2019 4:52 pm
BlackThorne says...



haha, I always am haunted by the dreams I want to make into stories :,) I usually add them to a list so I don't have too many projects going on at once




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Sat Dec 28, 2019 2:19 am
RanaNoodles wrote a review...



Hi!
I really like this prologue. It got really dark really fast, but for some reason, that worked. It was so short, but it was captivating.
You get everything across that you need for it to be understandable, so it’s not confusing. I really like that.
I also like how you narrate Callie. She’s kind of straight-up about everything; the kind of person who doesn’t like to talk about her feelings and just narrates her actions. I don’t know if that’s what you were going for, but that’s what I saw it as, and you did a really good job with it.
You also end with ‘...’, which I think implies that Callie’s fading out of consciousness. That’s an interesting choice, because it kind of resembles ‘to be continued...’, but it works really well in this story.
I would only change a couple things. At the end, when Callie’s thinking about her sisters and then about her parents, it might come across a little easier if you put it in italics instead of quotations. With the quotations, I thought she was talking.
Also, some of the dialogue seemed a little forced. Like in the beginning, if Katrina is Callie’s best friend, I don’t totally understand why Callie should need to explain who Shelby is and how inattentive her parents are. I get you need to say that to get those things across, but it just seemed a little bit unrealistic. Maybe if you shortened it and maybe had Callie say, “I forgot. Minnie and Mandy are getting off the bus and my parents aren’t home,” it might work a little better?
You don’t have to listen to anything I just said, because this is a great story either way.
Keep doing what you’re doing!
-Rana Noodles




Josie24 says...


Thank you! Suggestions are much appreciated!




People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.
— John Patrick, The Curious Savage