A warrior bold.

by Jonathan, StoneHeart

Published April 5, 2013

In The Uknown Planet.

OK the spelling may not be verry good and please point out any problems that you can see.

The wars of the hill,
shall take a turn
deep in a forest there will,
come a man to learn
a spell to kill them all.

He will face one thousand men
and defeat them all with
a flaming pen
a story that will set a myth
that will never end.

And this the story I would tell
took place in rainy may
deep in a dark and lonely dell
there lay a man, all made of clay
a man who'd smash at a moments say

There came along a warrior bold
a warrior with a famous sword
a flaming weapon, smelling of mold
that had come from a stone
in king Arthurs throne,
on another famous day.

Thanks for reading.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
ERZA
Review
ERZA wrote a review Review · May 26, 2013

Wow such a narrative and sing song type of poem! Liked it very much!! I could get what you were trying to get at but I think the poem was less expressive and not up to the mark. Also this poem somehow lacks color and mood and all those also its not properly punctuated. Overall its a fair enough poem but it simply gives us parts of a supposedly larger scenario but the pictures that you have given to us simply do not connect with each other...
I do not know what to say...whether its good or bad is simply hard to tell at thos point as much is left to be worled on this piece...but honestly I did not like it that much...hopefully you will do some revision and correct some parts...

Also please clear your mind before thinking of what you want to write and as doon as you get a hang of it, start jotting all the stuff in a rough paper and revise it and then after going through it about five times, post it.
I do not mean anything bad all this I am saying is because it looks as if you wrote this in a hurried manner..and without muzch thought...poetry is no doubt a talent but its also an art and when one starts to see it as an art thats when they are able to write the best poems. Hope my suggestions and all help you! Keep working hard and you will reach your goal!! :-D

User avatar
Aley
Review
Aley wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2013

So this last line really confuses me. It seems very disconnected from the poem itself. ^.-

"in rainy may" - May is a proper noun, it needs capitals.

So overall, this poem really seems to jump around a lot. It needs to concentrate on one aspect of things and if it is going to be an epic, try reading some more epics to see how they introduce characters and get some epic conventions going, such as the epithets, starting in the middle, and that sort of thing. You can check out some more modern epics such as Milton's "Paradise Lost", or Spenser's "The Faerie Queene." I would suggest Spenser over Milton because that seems more like what you're going to be writing with this. It is a fantasy.

Also drawing on that, I would strongly suggest using more unique language to describe things instead of repeating words like warrior. To begin an epic, start with calling for the muses to aid you, and then start in the middle. I think these two things are really lacking if that is the style you want to go for. With your language, try to be as frugal as possible even though you need a rhyme scheme. On my last review I suggested playing with a thesaurus, and I shall suggest it again. I'd like to see you put some real connotations behind these words you use and create more imagery of what's going on. Also, don't skip between days just to introduce people. Think about The Wizard of Oz, and how Dorthy started down the yellow brick road alone, then met up with the different characters. That's a great way to introduce characters through a story.

EatSleepRead1120 wrote a review Review · Apr 5, 2013

Hi again, I'm back for another review! :)

Okay, to be honest, I'm not the greatest poet, so I can't really give you any great great advice on the poetry, sorry.

Even though I'm not the greatest poet, I loved it! It was really good! My favorite part was this:
"He will face 1000 men
and defeat them all with
a flaming pen
a story that will set a myth
that will never end."
---Wow. Just wow. The way you expressed everything, especially this bit, was... FANTASTIC. :) YWS's logo is based on this. A pen can be a sword. Writing can be as powerful as a warrior. Wow. :)

You said to point out any errors I see. So, first, in "1000", I think it would be better if you wrote it out as a word, like "one thousand" or "a thousand". I just learned about this too when I first started. The person who told me in a review said it looks more professional and not sloppy. The person who told me said you could only use numbers on really really big numbers, like 678,391 or something.

"There came along a worrior bold
a worrior with a famos sword
a flaming weapon, smelling of mold
that had come from a stone in king
Arthurs throne, on another famous day."
---I think it would be better if you started a new line after the word "stone" 'cause King Arthur is one thing, and it would be better to read if it was on the same line. So it would be this:
"There came along a worrior bold
a worrior with a famos sword
a flaming weapon, smelling of mold
that had come from a stone
in king Arthurs throne, on another famous day."

I'll just go through each paragraph. The first paragraph: I think you should start a new line after the word "there". Second paragraph: start a new line after "all". Third's good. Fourth: "famos" is "famous". "Worrior" is "Warrior". Arthurs is with an apostrophe in between r and s.

I think that's all. Good job. :)

Keep writing! :)
~Renee

Thanks. :D



Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?
— Mary Oliver