Chapter 2: Angrom
But as if it where flickering it disappeared the huge form was gone I stepped cautiously out from behind the tree and stepped up to where the figure had been and saw some huge humanoid foot prints although they were a lot deeper than anything that sized could have made them.
I stood there wondering for a moment what to do and decided that this place was kind of spooky so I thought I would get out of the forest or find someone who could help me.
After I had been going for a long time I could not tell how fare though I felt that my legs were burning with soreness so I took a rest and saw the sun thorough the tree tops and then the brilliant idea of going and climbing one of the tree and see how fare I had to go until I was out of the forest so I got and found some firm holds in the bark and climbed up it and when I got to the top of the tree I saw firstly that the sun was low down on the horizon and that it would be dark soon and secondly that the forest never ended I went down a few feet and decided that I would rather spend his night in a tree instead of on the ground where I might be eaten.
When I awoke it was soon after sun rise it was still a little dark and I saw a huge green thing moving down below me it looked a bit like a giant lizard I reached for a branch a tried to pull myself up but it broke of and fell to the ground my heart was beating so quickly that I could feel it the huge lizard was looking for the sores of the noise I hoped that it was not a carnivore as it locked eyes with me I saw that it had blood red ones and it charged with a blood curdling roar at me and slammed into the massive trunk and tried to climb up it but its giant claws would not work to its advantage so it after a few minutes of trying to get to me it started to walk back and forth and finally lay down.
I thought for a moment wither it was a good idea to go down and get by it but then I thought that is was too dark for me to tell wither it was asleep or not but then it hit me the dark sense it was so dark because of the trees being so close
Together I could go from tree to tree and it might not even notice me so I climbed along a large limb and got too anther but smaller limb from another tree I carefully went from it to another and so on for quite a while and one time I almost lost my footing and feel but by then I could not even see anything although I did find some things up in the tree tops that were very strange one was that a tree had streaks of actual gold in it another was a little four armed monkey thing with armor all over it and almost touched one but it bit me and secured off into the green tree tops and after a long long time got to a huge tree that was so huge that its limbs were at least 20 feet wide.
I woke to the sound of breaking limbs and saw that a tree not far off was bending and a sound of cracking then I saw a giant monster with teeth like a catfish it even had whiskers but it was eating a giant tree it must have been the size of a sky scraper after a while of tearing and smashing the tree came down and the monster picked it up and walked off.
Stunned I looked after it but then when it was almost out of sight two giant lizards like the one I had seen before jumped onto if and started to attack it while a third jumped of onto its face the fight was horrible and after a while they got the giant onto its side and started there feast I looked away and started to go out on a branch and found that one of the huge lizards was on the same branch I froze in fear but is did not tear me apart it looked interested what I was.
After a moment it stepped forward and started to feel me all over and then it walked past me and all the while I was staying as still as possible.
It walked past and I turned and noticed that it was smaller but looked harder tougher stronger than the others it walked toward the carcass and as soon as the others saw him coming they all went out into a line and roared at the intruder but he came up to one and as quick as lightning instead of biting he rammed into him and sent him flying about 30 feet and didn’t move when he skidded to a stop the smaller one looked at the other one and darted again but the one he was after shied back instinctively and smashed strait into a tree and when crying of into the trees the other one followed after a few defiant roars.
But instead of eating the monster as I thought he ran after them with no noise at all and disappeared into the woods.
I got off into the trees and decided not to get back to the ground, so that I wouldn’t be eaten by any strange monsters.
But as I went from tree to tree my hunger pains became extreme, I was wondering what to do about it, after about another hour of climbing I came to a vine that covered a tree as I was passing it (I had seen many like it on my trip but this time) I saw flowers and dotted here and there I saw huge green fruit I climbed down to one (it was the size of a house) I pulled out my pocket knife and hoped that the peal was not to thick and sunk it in and although it took about ten minutes to get down to the meet of the fruit it was the collar of a melon a dark lustrous collar it tasted like heavens fruit although I had no idea that it had some side effects I started again on my way and decamp very tired and for the first time in a while i went down to the ground and fell asleep.
Hey Jordin,
Great story there, amazing Idea! Well there were a few mistakes, grammatical actually but overall it was great.
But as if it where flickering, it disappeared. The huge form was gone.
I stood there wondering for a moment what to do and decided that this place was kind of spooky, so I thought I would get out of the forest or find someone who could help me.
In the 5th line ' I saw firstly' is not right. Instead I recommend you to use 'firstly, I saw'
After I had been going for a long time, I could not tell how fare though, I felt that my legs were burning with soreness so I 'decided to take some rest' and saw the sun 'through' the tree tops and then the brilliant idea of going and climbing one of the tree and see how 'far' I had to go until I was out of the forest. 'So' I got 'up' and found some firm holds in the bark and climbed up it and when I got to the top of the tree I saw firstly that the sun was low down on the horizon and that it would be dark soon and secondly that the forest never ended. I went down a few feet and decided that I would rather spend 'my' night in a tree instead of on the ground, where I might be eaten.
When I 'woke' 'up' it was soon after sun rise. 'It' was still a little dark and I saw a huge green thing moving down below me. 'It' looked a bit like a giant lizard. I reached for a branch 'and' tried to pull myself up but it broke 'of'[I think you should erase 'of' from the sentence] and fell to the ground. 'My' heart was beating so quickly that I could feel it, the huge lizard was looking for the sores of the noise. I hoped that it was not a carnivore as it locked eyes with me. I saw that it had blood red ones and it charged with a blood curdling roar at me and slammed into the massive trunk and tried to climb up 'it' [cut 'it'] but it's giant claws would not work to its advantage, so -it- after a few minutes of trying to get to me it started to walk back and forth and finally lay down.
I thought for a moment 'whether' it was a good idea to go down and get by it but then I thought that 'it' was too dark for me to tell 'whether' it was asleep or not but then it, hit me the dark sense it was so dark because of the trees being so close.
Together I could go from tree to tree and it might not even notice me, so I climbed along a large limb and got too anther but smaller limb from another tree. I carefully went from it to another and so on for quite a while and one time I almost lost my footing and feel but by then I could not even see anything although I did find some things up in the tree tops that were very strange. 'One' was that a tree had streaks of actual gold in it another was a little four armed monkey thing with armor all over it and almost touched one but it bit me and secured off into the green tree tops and after a long long time got to a huge tree that was so huge that its limbs were at least 20 feet wide.
It walked past and I turned and noticed that it was smaller but looked harder, tougher 'and' stronger than the others. 'It' walked 'towards' the carcass and as soon as the others saw him coming they all went out into a line and roared at the intruder but he came up to one and as quick as lightning, instead of biting he rammed into him and sent him flying about 30 feet and didn't move when he skidded to a stop. 'The' smaller one looked at the other one and darted again but the one he was after shied back instinctively and smashed strait into a tree and when crying of into the trees the other one followed after a few defiant roars.
All done, I hope it helped and I must say, great imagination there! Keep writing J and I bet you will grow into a wonderful writer.
Umaima
Thanks Umaima for the review I have never seen a review this big well my 3 chapter is coming out soon so get ready.
You're welcome... And I will be waiting for it til then
Hello Jordin.
I'm a little busy at the moment so this review might not be too long.
A few comments:
Once again you forgot to add puntuation. You also had some miss-spellings.
Also you did change views a bit but not as much as you did in the first chapter.
You mean source, not sores.
You need to try and break up your paragraphs and use punctuation to seperate your sentences so its not a big jumble of text.
I agree with the things DarkPandemonium pointed out and am not going to restate them since they're already there.
I thought the chapter was interesting. When you write the next part I'll review it too.
Keep writing!
~Dakushau
Thanks Dark for the review.
Hey there, Jordin! Dark here for a review.
I'm going to try and keep it fairly brief, because I'm tired and creaky and my gaze is lolling and I'm oh-so-close to going into rambling mode. I've just got a couple of points to make about this chapter, and I hope they help.
1) Punctuation, grammar, spelling - all that boring old stuff. I know that on your previous chapters that was the main point of most of the critiques, so I don't want to go too far into it.
What I will say is that you need to try and divide up your paragraphs with full stops because they just lead on to one another there's no stop it gets kind of confusing because you don't know where the sentence ends or begins and it stops making sense they last so long that you start to feel out of breath even reading in them in your head and that's not very comfortable to the reader - as I have just proved. It needs to flow, m'dear - which means checking your spelling, reading your work aloud to yourself, and scouring for bits that don't fit.
2) Sometimes, you sound a little too blunt. Let me give you an example:
That end is just so abrupt and sudden that, I must confess, I actually giggled. Don't get me wrong, bluntness can be good when used in the right places, but the clinical way in which this is said is just so prominent that it fails to convey any of the fear or hysteria or freaking out at waking up on a completely different planet that this piece needs. You need to really imagine yourself into your MC's position. How would you be thinking if you woke up there? Put yourself in their shoes and show me how you feel. Is that a deal? (Ooh, I rhymed!
3) The plot. This is going strong so far. It's nice and creative, has a great deal of potential, and I'm looking forwards to seeing what horrors are encountered on this planet - I trust there's a great deal more to come. I don't feel that I know much about your character yet, mind, so I hope you start expanding on their past and personal experiences and personality, because no story is great without an excellent MC. Go forth and characterise!
Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. I hope I helped a little bit and that my rambling wasn't too pronounced. Don't hesitate to PM me if you want advice or help on anything, I'll be happy to assist.
Keep writing!
~Daaaark.
Thanks for the review, I can see what you mean.