Ok guys this might not be verry good but it was my best don't be to upset about the punctuation.
And this part isnt till the end of chapter 1.
the Unknown Planet: Prologue.
This is a story about a place much like ours, but at the same time so very different. Some of the few similarities were that they spoke English and that human’s and plants and animals lived there but these animals on this planet were at least 5 times the size of an animal on our planet, basically everything was a lot bigger than on this planet including the humans, but that planet was at least ten times the size of earth although I never had the time to measure it.
The reason I know about it, well is because I was there a long time ago when I was just 23 years old.
The way it happened was I had just gone to sleep at about 9 o’clock on a late night in May 2038 when I was wishing for a different kind of life at least different from what I had instead of having to wait for something interesting to happen in fact at that point I would have been happy for anything interesting or not interesting to happen and even if anything happened it seemed to me that it would be a long time before it would.
But soon after I went to sleep I woke up not a minute later, but instead of being in my house as I expected I was out in the middle of a place with green light coming through the tops of some giant trees far above although there was a small light spot on the grass.
So almost instantly I thought I was dreaming, I stood up but in doing this I smashed my head against a branch and the solid contact of my scull to the hard wood was an intense ray of pain going to my brain that made me sit down hard I gave a yelp of pain and my hand went to my head and I began feeling around and felt a large lump that had swelled out, but the branch had at least done something besides hitting me on the head it had pretty much told me that I was not in a dream and that it was real life I was in.
This time before I stood up I looked up and saw that it had been a large branch from a giant tree that I had hit my head against.
The tree had a large number of branches near the bottom.
But it looked like it had been sniped in half by some kind of sharp thing I was not sure but I could not see the other half, this made me hope that there were other people because if you find a peace of tree missing you could probably guess that people had taken it.
One reason I thought this was because at that time on earth it was a time when there was absolutely no wood that had not been used and besides what kind of animal would take such a huge hunk of wood.
I learned not to long afterward what animal did tack and wood like that.
After a moment I got up with a grown and walked to the huge trunk of the tree then I leaned against it because all at once almost every muscle in my body went stiff, but a minute later I had forgotten my stiffness and was looking in fascination at the huge tree the trunk it was so huge that it must have been a million years old I was thinking if I could cut it down I could see how many rings it had.
But my thoughts were abruptly ended as a bush about 25 yards away moved slightly a moment later and with my eyes fixed on it I bent down and picked up a stick to defend myself with although if I had thought even a little bit I would have known that a stick wouldn’t have done me any good against just about anything, then my though went back to the tree and an idea popped into my head.
I turned and ran behind the huge tree trunk and peered fearfully out from behind it and saw a giant figure was moving from behind it with something long glittering on it.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello Jordin, I'm here with a review.
This story definitely has potential. I like what you have so far, but I think you could still improve it. Right now you don't really tell us anything about your character. What does he look like? What is his name?
Also, you're missing alot of punctuation. Without the punctuation, these sentences seem to run together.
I think it would help if you shorten your paragraphs by removing the unnecessary words. Also I feel it might help if you use a bit more description.
I believe you mean: not too long afterward what animal did take wood like that.
One thing: It's skull not scull.
Also: I think you could shorten this so it's not such a large clump.
I'd be happy to try and answer any questions you might ask or help you out.
keep writing!
~Dakushau
thanks for the review Dark again thanks for doing all these reviews for my book.
There is an excellent plot lying without an effective way to disclose it. This prologue does not actually give me the feel of expecting the subsequent events of the chapters.
Too much emphasis is made on the tree trunk, and it gets slightly annoying at one point. Seriously, 8 paragraphs out of about 13 are about the tree even though the tree probably has absolutely no major significance in the story.
But still, the prologue tells a nice story and I hope that the chpters turn out to be very good.
Thanks I think you are right about that and I also think that my chapter 1 is not so good but chapter two is much better I think.
This is Gk's short review.......
At first I wanna say that , Your story is quite fascinating. Now what I fell about about the plot.
Plot: Very nice with every detail in it. Well done
Characters: As i see speaker is the protagonist here and it is well described from first person view
Action: As this is just a Prologue I expect more could be seen later on the story
Grammar and Language: Except few spelling mistakes like Skull is written as Scull, everything is fine. I am also new but what I have learnt is that here keep sentences short.
" almost instantly I thought I was dreaming, I stood up but in doing this I smashed my head against a branch and the solid contact of my scull to the hard wood was an intense ray of pain going to my brain that made me sit down hard I gave a yelp of pain and my hand went to my head and I began feeling around and felt a large lump that had swelled out, but the branch had at least done something besides hitting me on the head it had pretty much told me that I was not in a dream and that it was real life I was in"
This sentence seems large. Keep it short and precise.
Rest everything is fine . Overall a very nice concept . All the best and keep up the good work.
Thanks if you need help on anything let me know I am sure that I will try to do thanks again.
Thanks if you need help on anything let me know I am sure that I will try to do thanks again.
Sorry about the repeat.
Okay, so since this is a prologue it explains something that happened before the story, first person wouldn't really be the best idea to use in a prologue. Also when you said just 23, that's actually not too young, 6 years of college. Just implies the smallness of something. The end sentence was good to leave one wondering, but it needs a little rewording to add to the suspense. Overall it was good!
Thanks.
Hey Jordin!
~ Ever read 'The Elements of Style'? Do. It's really an excellent book, and I think you can benefit from it.Is this the prologue to the story I already reviewed? I don't know! But I'm reviewing it too!
If you're not as big of a geek as I am, and don't want to read, the main thing you need to learn is to 'omit needless words'. You could've said "The pain assured me that I wasn't in a dreamland" 10 words instead of 36. Don't get me wrong-- use lots of words when you need them. Just don't, when few words will do.
~ I let this go in my first review (as I now realize this is, in deed, the same piece), but I've gotta comment on it now. As a Young Earth scientist, I could argue with you all night that the Earth is only a few thousand years old; and it's not clear what universe your story is set in. As a tired reviewer, who isn't really in the mood to debate, I'll just comment that that's not feasible-- unless it's a parallel universe that has a quirk like that.
I'd recommend sticking with a few hundred years. That's quite old for a tree. Don't push your luck.
~~~
And...we still don't know what the 'giant figure' is. -_-
Come on dude. Condense. Action-ize (Did I just make up a new word? Why yes, yes I did.).
If you have any questions or need any more help, don't hesitate to ask.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Yes I do and thanks for the review.
How should I fixe those problems you pointed out to me?
"there but these animals on this planet"
Howdy Jordin my friend, Dogs here with your review. Okey dokey, a couple quick things, firstly there should be a comma after "there." Almost every time you use "but," there should be a comma before it. Also, I would much prefer in the first line if you said: "about a place much like yours." It creates an uneasy mysterious air quickly, which is a great thing to create and really draws the reader in.
"giant trees far above"
Put a period after the "trees." Also, I would suggest here that you really create the setting more here. I want you to describe your character opening his eyes, but gripped with shock as a sickly green luster illuminates his surroundings... yada yada, describe the trees more in detail and really add in some more imagery here.
That entire fifth paragraph is just one massive sentence. Look through it and be sure to add in some periods where appropriate. You can copy and paste your writing on word and do a grammar check if you're having trouble with grammar. It helps a lot for me. Also, sensibly I think the man would punch the tree rather than bashing his head against it. But it is a dream so up to you.
"I learned not to long afterward what animal did tack and wood like that."
No need for this line, just wait for the big punchline and really surprise the reader with this "animal's" grand entrance.
I like your description and great ending for this prologue. But I would suggest that you build the suspense a little more, have the narrator explore around a little more and assess his surroundings before even mentioning the giant creature. Other than those notes this is a great stepping stone, needs a little bit of work but I see great potential in this piece. Let me know if you ever need a reivew. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thanks Dogs I will do that if I can.