Pyogen came running up to us and yelled "Grab onto something, Hide!" he looked frightened and everything was darkening.
"What's the problem." Varidans asked calmly but looking a little surprised by Pyogens sudden appearance.
"The floods, they are coming!" Pyogen replied shaking all over. this got everyone's attention.
They went climbing and scurrying away trying to find good places to hide from the floods, Pneumoniae and I scrambled up a Shadred hiding under one of it's doscid that spread protectively over us.
Meningitidis and Tetani got under a doscid and huddled up to each-other, they were young and had never seen a cidriac before and they were scared for good reason, 1900 of us had died last flood.
Welchii was cote out and when it began it sounded like tons of stuff were being dumped onto the ground, Novyii and Pyogen ran out to help but when they got there the Cidriac was full blown and they were gone "NOOO!!!!!!!" Penumoniae yelled, Pyogen was his cousin, I had hold him to keep him from running out from our shelter.
When the rain was over we had the customary burning of the dead body's but we could not stay we had keep moving or we would be next to die in the never ending number that increased each day.
Doscid: Leaf.
Cidriac: Rain.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi! I find this story to be witty. I love your idea of making up a story on microbes and giving each of them a personality. Haha! The tone of your story is light. It's good!
There are just some typos here, like in the second paragraph, you typed "Pyogens" instead of "Pyogen's". And in the third sentence of your third paragraph, you forgot to capitalize the first letter. Also, make use of some punctuation marks like commas, especially on long sentences.
In this sentence,
"They went climbing and scurrying away trying to find good places to hide from the floods, Pneumoniae and I scrambled up a Shadred hiding under one of it's doscid that spread protectively over us."
you can make up two sentences here. But if you insist on compressing them into just one sentence, you use a semicolon instead of a comma, like this: "They went climbing and scurrying away trying to find good places to hide from the floods; Pneumoniae and I scrambled up a Shadred hiding under one of it's doscid that spread protectively over us."
The "body's" in the last paragraph should not be written that way. It should be "bodies".
There are still a few points to check. Maybe, you could proofread your work and you will see those typos. Check your spellings and the usage of your punctuation marks. They're bothering me while I was reading this.
Overall, it's a good work. I like the humor of this story and I can see its potential. Keep writing!
-Abbie
Willow C. here, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE SAILOR MOON GREMLINS ARE EATING MY FAC-"
Whoops wrong entrance, what I meant to say is "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, The sailor moon gremlins are eating my fac-"
Hmmmmmm, same entrance, while I guess.... I apologize in advance for my personality.
Anywho, i start with the title. It's good, but its a little inside the box, out of all the choices that are relevant, brief, and spontaneous. It is two of these things. A writer knows the deepest parts of the story that no one else could possibly think of ise that knowledge to make an interesting title.
Other than that I love this, it was cute and cheesy. Just what people like to read in their free time.
Keep it up!
-Willow C.
Hey Jonathan! Haha so I loved this idea, microbes are my kind of thing!
I really loved how you gave them all little personalities and you considered how something as simple as rain would be so terrible for such little organisms. And I thought that the use of the names was really clever- especially when you mentioned the Strep brothers, I thought that was really clever (although I thought they might have worked better as cousins... because surely their brothers and sisters would be other organisms of the same species? Just a thought!)
In scientific terms that did bug me slightly- that you have so many and such diverse bacteria all living in the same place and yet there only seems to be one of each. Where are the rest of the colonies?! Nineteen is a very small number to die the last time there was rain. I mean, this is kind of like an epic tale, right? A fight against all odds? So don't be afraid to increase those numbers!
It did feel a little bit short, and I think you could have added a little more story to it. At the moment it feels a bit like one of those "Look how clever I am with my sciencey words" stories. And true, microbiology is great! But story is also fabulous. It would be nice to have a bit more characterisation and for this to follow a more normal story arc- you know, with a beginning, a middle and an end. At the moment it just doesn't hang together just right.
There's a few spelling and grammar errors that need picked up- make sure to proofread carefully!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thank-you very very much this really helped me.
Oy, Just remember that this has nothing to do with real life.