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12+

Four to go

by JennyImStory


Davner followed the Tuner out the door of the train car and across the windy, and terrifyingly rickety crossing between cars. After closing the door to the next car and cutting of the wind Davner looked around and noticed that it was a sleeping car, with rows and rows of seemingly empty bunks lining the walls.

“So what do we do n---?”

“SHH!” The Tuner abruptly cut Davner off. “Listen . . . “ The man whispered as he slowly pulled back the curtain covering one of the lower bunk beds. The bed was empty, as was the next the Tuner looked at, and the next.

“What are our chances?” The Tuner asked him, talking normally.

“For what?”

“What have we been trying to do since we got here?” The Tuner said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, right.” Davner said, pulling out his large dial. What are our chances of find--- Davner watched the dial’s hand move before he even finished saying the sentence in his head. The hand landed on five hundred and nine.

“Still over five hundred.” Davner told the Tuner.

“Then help me look.” The Tuner ordered, gesturing about. Davner slipped the dial back into his pocket and started to search the car. He looked in bed after bed and saw nothing, climbing up to the top bunks to make certain he hadn’t missed anything. Just like the other car, luggage was left a mess about the aisle. A shirt here, a book there. Jewelry boxes lay empty, wallets and coin purses were hollow as well. Davner continued his search, passing a cabinet.

Davner froze. For the strangest reason he simply had to look in that cabinet. He had no notion as too why but he soon found himself pulling open the door. Davner looked inside to see a girl, contorted and squished inside. Davner gasped and called out.

“Tune---!” But was cut of as the girl inside the cabinet kicked him in the face.

Davner looked up, his vision swimming slightly, his forehead stung like never before. The girl scrambled out of the cabinet, she was surprisingly tall, making it even more impossible to believe that she had shoved herself into the little pantry. The girl turned to run, dark, angled hair spinning. But in an instant the Tuner grabbed her by the arm and twisted her about until he had both arms in hand. The girl kicked and growled at the Tuner, Davner quickly scrambled to the other side of the aisle so to avoid being stomped on.

“UNHAND ME!” She snarled, her sharp features in a twist.

“I think we should talk for a moment,” The Tuner said, letting go of her he raised up a thin gold chain, on the end of that chain was a large dial identical to the one in Davner’s pocket. “Consequence.” The Tuner finished, smiling broadly.

“Give that back!” The girl yelled.

“Do you even know what it is?” The Tuner asked, the girl continued to squirm, trying to free herself. “We know what it is, why don’t you show her Chance?” The Tuner asked him. Davner scrambled to his feet and pulled the dial out of his pocket before showing it to the girl.

“He-he gave you one too?” She asked, stopping her kicking.

“He and five others gave those dials to the new Turners. He was once Consequence, and now you are.” The Tuner said, letting the girl go.

“What does that mean?” The girl asked.

“That there are only four of you to go.” The Tuner said, smiling happily. 


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120 Reviews


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Sun Jul 31, 2016 11:36 am
RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello! Ripple here to review on this fantastic review day.

First of all, this feels a lot like the chapter of a story, and yet it seems like it's supposed to stand mostly alone. If it's supposed to be readable as a standalone, try to make it less about an overarching story. It's fine to connect it to other such stories, but provide little hints and not large explanations.

Davner followed the Tuner out the door of the train car and across the windy, and terrifyingly rickety crossing between cars. After closing the door to the next car and cutting of the wind Davner looked around and noticed that it was a sleeping car, with rows and rows of seemingly empty bunks lining the walls.

Again, this feels like it is continuing another story. Decide which type you're going for, and stick with that.
“Oh, right.” Davner said, pulling out his large dial. What are our chances of find--- Davner watched the dial’s hand move before he even finished saying the sentence in his head. The hand landed on five hundred and nine.

“Still over five hundred.” Davner told the Tuner.

This is fairly intriguing. Dropping the reader in like this raises some questions, and you've written it in a way that explains just enough. Well done. :D
“He-he gave you one too?” She asked, stopping her kicking.

“He and five others gave those dials to the new Turners. He was once Consequence, and now you are.” The Tuner said, letting the girl go.

This is where I think you explain a bit too much. It is obviously building up to something bigger, but it feels a lot like just another chapter here.

I love that last line, though. Perfect cut-off. :D

Overall, I thought this was an enjoyable piece to read. Keep writing!




JennyImStory says...


This is part of a "series" so hints I leave here will be explained later on. But thank thank you so much!



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Reviews: 143

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Tue Jul 19, 2016 2:34 am
Junel wrote a review...



Hey, this is really interesting!

Grammatical Etc. errors:

noticed the it was sleeping

This confused me at first, but it's just a typo. So the should be that.

Characters: We don't learn much more about Danver or the tuner, but new character yay. We don't know much about her, but she seems feisty.

Descriptions: Amazing!

Plot: The plot is continuing to progress at a good pace.

Overall a short, but very entertaining chapter.

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel




JennyImStory says...


Thanks for the review! With that typo I don't EVEN KNOW how that happened. I think I forgot what words were for a moment, that's my only explanation.




The secret of being tiresome is to tell everything.
— Voltaire