Davner’s hand trembled so much the device inside it almost dropped to the ground below. The blood covered ground. Davner felt his throat swell, his mouth go dry. He felt as if he were in a limbo between a faint and a scream, but he did neither, he just trembled. Davner moved his left foot back, after that he didn’t have control, he just ran. Spinning around and almost falling on the ground. The blood covered ground. Davner pushed his way through the door, he had no memory of where he was, he recognized the staircase he passed as he bolted down the hall, be not the small green table by a window. His hand locked around the dial inside it, he thought it would crack at the pressure. Soon Davner found himself shouldering the front door of wherever it was he was. He knew it, but he had no memory, all he had was the memory. The blood covered ground. Davner half fell down a set of steep stairs that threw him into the street, motor cars honked and squealed as the moved from his direction.
All at once his senses caught up with his placement. Davner was bombarded with sputtering of engines, the whirr of bikes, vendors selling, pedestrians rushing about. Davner picked himself up and threw himself back onto the sidewalk, only to be grabbed by the shoulder. Davner looked up, horrified at the face he might see. The man who’d called it a dial, the man on the floor. The blood covered floor. But the face Davner saw wasn’t him, though the man’s face still lingered, like a foggy haze over the morning field of his mind. Davner looked up at a man in a dark coat, with dark hair, with a dark wide brimmed hat to top it all off. The man’s dark, ominous theme was shattered by his bright, joking smile and eyes to match. Davner looked at his shoulder to see the man’s dark gloved hand effortlessly holding Davner’s green vest. But when Davner tried to pull away, there might as well have been a steel chain on the wool garment.
“I need to explain some things to you Chance.” The man said, his smile continued its playful clash with everything else about him. Davner tried to pull away, to yell something, but only a small croak escaped his bone dry mouth. The man dragged Davner down the sidewalk, forcing him to keep pace. The man abruptly turned a corner into an ally way.
“This looks good.” The man said, half to himself. He let go of Davner and looked him up and down, at the sight of Davner’s clenched fist and the device inside the man’s eyes widened. “Put that away!” He snapped. Davner jumped, quickly shoving the thin dais into one of his large vest pockets. Davner thought about bolting away, but this man knew something about the dial, and maybe the man as well. Davner didn’t want to think about the man, but he couldn’t stop so why not have answers?
“Now Chance, I know this is all new, but just bear with me, this is my job. Dealing with the newbies and whatnot. So, I won’t overwhelm you too much, for now just know, you didn’t murder anyone.” Davner panicked, he worked his mouth a bit to see if he could speak. “I know what you might be thinking, but I’m here to tell you it was Chance’s plan, well not you Chance, the old Chance.”
“What are you talking about?’ Davner asked, his thoughts racing to so many places he couldn’t keep anything straight.
“You’re the new Turner of Chance. And there are more of you so I’ll explain stuff while moving alright?” The man said, walking out of the ally. Davner didn’t have any choice but to follow, he couldn’t go back to that house, he thought it was his house, but his house didn’t have blood on the floor.
“Who are you?” Davner asked, weaving through the street’s crowd alongside the man.
“I’m the Tuner.” He responded, skipping this way and that, taking what seemed to be random streets. One moment they were walking down what Davner thought was north, then they would run across the street only to go in the opposite direction.
“What’s a Tuner?” Davner asked.
“A person who answers all the questions you have about your new role, and also keeps you from dying, for a little bit.”
“Why?”
“Because can you imagine what it would be like if the world left six sixteen year olds with powers of the universe to their own devices? The only thing that could be worse is if you were given answers, but they were riddles and indirect sidequests. It would be insanity!”
“Side-quests?” Davner tried out the word cautiously.
“You know you’re asking all the wrong questions, yes?” The man---the Tuner---asked.
‘Where are we going?” Davner asked.
“There we go!” The Tuner exclaimed. “There’s hope for you yet Chance! And we’re going to find the other Turners.”
“Are they all Chance?” Davner asked.
“Of course not.” The Tuner responded, suddenly running across another street. Davner sprinted to follow the man’s pace, even though it looked as if he was at a jog, the Tuner covered ground as if his life depended on it. It was rather jarring to watch, your mind saw a casual movement, but the result was something different. Davner crossed the street only to watch the Tuner hop a wired fence into what seemed to be a park.
“Wait!” Davner shouted. The Tuner turned around and looked at Davner with surprise, but he still slowed, allowing Davner to haphazardly climb over the fence the Tuner had so easily brushed past. Once reaching the Tuner the man continued his strange run before reaching a large maple tree. The Tuner scanned the rest of the park, it was practically abandoned.
“Now,” The Tuner said, tuning to Davner. “You’re going to feel a bit stretched, like what I assume it’s like to be a glob of putty, or dough.”
“What are you talking about?” Davner asked. He watched the Tuner as he pulled out a medium sized object, a bit large than his own hand, it was a flat piece of what looked to be pounded out silver. It had seven sides and was riddled with a series of small etchings and grooves. Davner watched the Tuner ran his fingers along the flat shape in a specific pattern, the next moment the the metal glowed. It was a very strange glow, there was a distinctive open space between the object itself and the shimmering light around in, about three inches of open air. The glow around the object seemed to shake and a rattling sound emerged from the flat seven sided shape.
The everything glowed and rattled! Davner covered his ear at the sound and closed his eyes against the light. Davner still had his ears covered when he heard a different sound, he timidly lowered his hands only to have the sound a train whistle fill his ears. There was also ratteling, but he identified it as the wheels of a train. Davner was thrown to the side as the train jolted. Luckily he landed right into a chair. Davner looked to the side to see a window with wide open feilds showing through it. Davner turned to his other side to see the Tuner, Davner opened his mouth to ask every one of the million questions that had popped into his head. But before he could the Tuner spoke.
“Yes, this is very insane. Yes, we traveled through space, not time! Just space. We’re here to find another Turner, either Conciquence or Placement . . . I can’t remember which was left where.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey! Ashlingwolf here! Happy review day!
I found this piece very intriguing. I feel like this might be the plot of a book that I would buy and read. The exposition is very nice- I like how the Tuner didn't just info dump all about the Turners- info dump is one of my biggest pet peeves. You smoothed it into the story very well so that it didn't conflict with the flow.
I have to say, my brain confused the Tuner and the Turners many times, just to keep in mind, they are similar words, so while you shouldn't necessarily change them, but maybe one of them has a nickname? Just so it isn't so confusing.
I really want to know who the other Turners are, so I will definitely keep reading these installments.
There are a couple other grammatical errors, but they've all been mentioned by Junel except-
"The man---the Tuner---asked." This was the only one that bothered me. You don't need multiple dashes. Just: The man- the Tuner- asked.
Besides that, this was a great piece and I can't wait to keep reading.
Hey, this is really nice.
Grammatical Etc. errors:
So you use this sentence twice in one paragraph which is fine, but maybe try to use something else for the second time.
You should put he after the comma and before recognized.
Typo, it should be they not the.
This should be separated into two sentences. So put a period after inside and capitalize the.
Knew isn't the right word. It should be new.
Characters: Your beginning to show us a little more of your character and you have added a new one. Still we now very little about them, but it fits the story.
Descriptions: You have good descriptions especially visual and a lot that of things you can hear.
Plot: The plot is quite interesting at this point because we still know very little leaving us with lots of questions.
Overall this well written and fun to read. I hope you continue this story.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Hey, this is really nice.
Grammatical Etc. errors:
So you use this sentence twice in one paragraph which is fine, but maybe try to use something else for the second time.
You should put he after the comma and before recognized.
Typo, it should be they not the.
This should be separated into two sentences. So put a period after inside and capitalize the.
Knew isn't the right word. It should be new.
Characters: Your beginning to show us a little more of your character and you have added a new one. Still we now very little about them, but it fits the story.
Descriptions: You have good descriptions especially visual and a lot that of things you can hear.
Plot: The plot is quite interesting at this point because we still know very little leaving us with lots of questions.
Overall this well written and fun to read. I hope you continue this story.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Thank you! I agree with all the grammar stuff I wrote it in like an hour and was like "I don't need editing, I never edit." But I shall edit it now. Thanks again
I'm always happy to help