A Fire and a Manor

by JennyImStory

Published July 19, 2016

12+

In Dial

Quinautae looked at the square faced boy and the dark clothed man in front of her. They were the oddest pair she could have expected, but they weren’t robbers so it was alright.

“Four of us?” Quinautae asked. “For what? I don’t understand---”

“Chance, explain this to her, I don’t feel like saying it twice.” The man said, tossing her gift back to her, the large dial was heavy in her hands. The square faced boy, with brown hair and a confused look gave her a nervous smile.

“You see, there are six Turners.” The boy explained. “Each of us control something, I control Chance. Right Tuner?” The boy asked the dark clothed man.

“Yep.” The man--the Tuner--crawled over a bed to look out the window.

“And it seems you control Consequence.” The boy said, sounding very unsure of himself.

“What are the other four?” Quinautea asked.

“I-I don’t know.” The boy admitted. The Tuner crawled back into the aisle and sighed.

“Have I taught you nothing?” The man asked the boy, putting a hand to his hip.

“Yes actually!” The boy snapped.

“Alright fine!” The Tuner said. “There are six of you. Chance, Placement, Limitation, Substance, Consequence, and Juncture.”

“Juncture!” The boy exclaimed. “You mean one of us can control time!” Quinautae frowned at the square faced boy, she hadn’t know that word, how had he?

“Oh course one of you controls time.” The Tuner said. “We need to get going, I think we’re going after Placement next.” The Tuner suddenly pulled out a flat little piece of metal, the small flat sheet was riddled with engravings.

“What is that?” Quinautae asked.

“A shifter.” The Tuner said.

“And does it do?”

“It shifts us.” The Tuner rolled his eyes slightly as he traced his fingers along different little lines on the object.

“What do you mean it--?” Quinautae cut off as the train car started to glow, she screamed as it started to move faster, the wheels rattling filling her ears. Quinautae shut her eyes against the glow and covered her ears against the rattling. When she heard it stop she opened her eyes and thought she would faint when she looked around to see they were in a flower garden!

“What happened?!” Quinautae demanded, grabbing the square faced boy by his green vest. The boy looked as if he would faint aswell.

“We-we shifted. Like the Tuner said. Right Tuner?” The boy said, laughing nervously. Quinautae let him go and looked around. They were in an expansive garden, flowers grew in neat and intricate patterns, sculptures and fountains were scattered all about. Quinautae gasped at the sight of the huge manor house before them. The large building was covered with large windows and flowing stone carvings along the trims. As Quinautae looked she noticed smoke rising from the other side of the manor, dim shouting also arose from the unseen part of the house.

The Tuner started to walked towards the hose and the boy followed. Not knowing what to do, Quinautae followed behind them.

“I’m Davner, but the way.” The boy said suddenly.

“Quinautae.” She responded bluntly. She and Davner had some trouble keeping up with the Tuner as he hopped over bushes and flower beds, but soon they were at the manor’s massive doors. Quinautae suddenly realized she still had her dial out, the chain digging into the back of her hand again. Quinautae slipped the dial into the pocket of her red jacket, it just barely fit, though it sure wouldn’t have fit inside the small, pointless pockets of her trousers. 

The Tuner swung open the manor doors and walked inside, the home was magnificent with high ceilings and flowery gold wallpaper. As the three of them walked through the house, the sounds of shouting grew. Quinautae grew nervous as they made it to a large room with two staircases and another set of large doors, the shouting becoming clear enough to understand. The Tuner rushed to the other set of heaving them open and revealing the large crowd of hysterical people on the other side.

She, Davner, and the Tuner walked out into chaos as people shouted and cried outside. Quinautae looked up to see the upper stories of the home’s west wing was on fire. Two fire engines did their best to fight the flames, but it didn’t seem to be working as they continued to eat at the large house. The Tuner stared at the sight before them for but a moment before running back inside.

“HEY!” Davner shouted, running after him. Quinautae ran after him as well. The Tuner sprinted up one of the large staircases, skipping steps as he went. She and Davner tried their best to follow as they watch the Tuner rush off in the direction of the fire.

“What are you doing!?” Davner shouted after the man. The Tuner was out of sight before Quinautae and Davner reached the top of the stairs. The two of them ran to the hallway their guide had ran down only to glimpse him turning down another hall. They both ran faster, the sound of flames growing louder until they found themselves standing in a long hallway, fire and char destroying the other end.

“TUNER!” Davner called.

“TUNER!” Quinautae joined.

“What?!” A voice snapped behind them. Quinautae spun around and gasped st the sight of the Tuner standing behind them, a girl in his arms, her long golden curled hair tumbling about as much as her smoldering, lace skirts. The Tuner had soot on his face and his dark clothing smoked the smallest bit, but other then that he looked completely unharmed.

“Is that the Placement Turner?” Davner asked, pointing at the gold dial hanging out of the unconscious girl’s hand by a thin chain.

“I’d say so.” The Tuner said, a smile appearing on his lips. “Why don’t we go before that gets any closer?” The Tuner asked, nodding to the fire at the other end of the hall. Quinautae in unison nodded with Davner.

Comments & reviews · 2
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intrastellars
Review
intrastellars wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

Hi JennyImStory, here for a review! So I'm not quite sure if this is the first installment in what looks to be a series, but I will give my first impression on the story based solely on this chapter.

Already I can see that you have a wonderful story in mind, one that involves this group dubbed the Turners, and they each have a special ability. From what I've read, I can see that a big chunk of your plot will be this trio running around and searching for the rest of the members in the group. This can hold a lot of potential, as readers will constantly be introduced to new characters and situations. To be honest, I'm hyped to see how this group will bond, and how relationships will form.

The one thing that I would suggest is to keep in mind the five senses when you're writing your descriptions. For example, that whole scene when the Tuner runs into the fire could be expanded upon, especially in terms of description. As readers, we want to feel fully immersed in a scene and feel the world around us as if we are in them. A couple of questions you might want to ask yourself when writing is: what can the characters smell? What can they hear? How does the heat and smoke of the flames affect their physical forms? Writing is not just about moving from point A to point B. It's about the whole journey and creating a world that readers can believe in.

Overall, a strong chapter with an interesting plot. I would like to see more of this series and how you choose to present your characters. Good work, and keep writing :)

Side note: the name Quinatae is awesome, and I'd really love to know how you pronounce it.

User avatar
Junel
Review
Junel wrote a review Review · Jul 20, 2016

Hey, loved this like always.

Grammatical Etc. errors:

As the tree of them

Typo. This should say three.
shouting almost clear

You should add was in between shouting and almost.
fight the burning,

So here you should either add house after burning or add fires or just replace burning with fire.
They bother ran faster,

Typo. Take off the er from bother.
Daver called.

Typo. You misspelled Danver's name.
had shoot on his face

Typo. Should be soot not shoot.
other hand of the

So I'm guessing you meant the other end not hand.

Characters: We do get a new character, but don't learn about her personality yet. Otherwise not much had progressed here.

Plot: Continuing at an interesting and good pace and you are keeping it interesting.

Description: Your descriptions are getting really good. You have both visual and sounds. You should make the sounds more interesting by spicing them up a bit.
the sound of flames

Here instead of just saying the sound maybe try the crackling.
Also try adding feeling like the heat of the flames etc.

Overall great job and I can't wait for more!

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel

Whoa I made some typos. I need to go fix that. That's just sad. Common Jenny! This is disappointing!

Junel replied · Jul 20, 2016

At least you only made them at the end and not through the entire thing

Thank you for the positivity. Another positive is that all those errors are GONE now!

Junel replied · Jul 20, 2016

Great!



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Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered.
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