Davner looked at his trembling hand, and the clock clutched within. An impossibly thin dais with a face of ever changing color, the likes of which he’d never seen. Blood smeared the crystal and dripped down the thin chain.
Not a clock, Davner remembered. He’d called it a dial. He. The former owner of the device.
The man lying dead at his feet.
* * *
Y’cildav screamed as the window exploded, but her cries were drowned out by the crackling flames. The woman? Where had she gone? Y’cildav continued crawling down the hall. Another cry was ripped from her. The woman lay in the corridor. Glazed eyes reflecting the flames.
Something else caught the light, a dial.
* * *
Trici ran down the ever narrowing ally. What a fool! That old man going around the Under Levels in a satin coat. He was lucky Trici and only snatched his watch. It was unlikely Mr. Rich would leave the Under Level. Other than feet first that is.
Trici hurried along her way, bare feet slapping wet cobblestones. She almost started skipping!
A pretty penny would come for her new timepiece.
* * *
The older man stood calmly, stroking his greying beard. Then he threw the table. The circle of solid oak landed on its side, cards and money flying everywhere. The old man didn’t seem the least bit strained. Other men shouted, daggers already out. It was never hard to convince a Coveran gambler to show steel.
Atlan heard a splash. He looked down, the pendant from the pot had landed in his wine jug. Atlan looked up, the graying man stood across the room. “RUN!” He bellowed.
Atlan skidded out with the other servants.
* * *
Crouching in the cabinet Quinautae held her breath. Hide, he had told her. Were the robbers gone? The train still shook, it seemed to be going faster.
She held the man’s gift so tight that the thin chain cut into the back of her hand.
* * *
Rawriidenn had had such a nice morning, did he have to be kidnapped?
And what was this dial his kidnapper kept rambling about?
* * *
The Tuner whistled as the ages spun before him. He’d have to start searching soon. This will be fun, he mused. Oh yes, the joy of inexperience, how I've missed it. Learning is always the best part, already knowing gets boring after a bit. He flipped that coin in his memories again. Maybe one day he would remember how it landed, then he would learn everything.
I’ve missed so much.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello , I thought this was intriguing to read - still not really sure what's going on xD.
.. In my opinion !
You draw the reader in from the beginning with your first paragraph including the phrase "blood smeared" - that really got me asking questions .
I read the review below and how they dislike the use of "cackling" flames - in a sense I quite agree. Flames don't really tend to make much noise, if it was something like a fox or person you were describing then it's more understandable. Personally I would use the word "crackling" instead - that's what flames do right? Just my opinion though
Another critique I have is that you have a habit of stating things, telling us things rather than allowing the reader to figure it out for themselves - for instance...
"""Something else caught the light, a dial"
I'm my opinion, rather than telling us this - you could show it. Through description ... You could really enhance your writing, and also where in the room is it? Give us a bit of imagery
Maybe like ... "In the corner of the room something glimmered. The dial"
Furthermore- you tell us obviously this...
"" had had such a nice morning, did he have to be kidnapped?
And what was this dial his kidnapper kept rambling about?"""
You already had me asking these questions because of what you've said previously ! You didn't need to include the questions in the story it's like stating the obvious
Overall , your writing is really cool - the plot was confusing yet intriguing . Notify me when there's more I'd love to read it
Hey, I love this. It's really cool.
Grammatical Errors etc.
It might be just me, but this sounds a little choppy. try getting rid of the comma and just putting and in the middle instead.
Ok, so I think this is a typo because why the flames would be evily laughing (although it makes sense for the scenario) I don't know. I'm guessing it's supposed to be crackling.
Plot: Really cool and interesting! It's super mysterious and scary in a way. I like the way that you showed each person who had the dial at a time.
Characters: None stayed around for long so you couldn't so much here, but still its good.
Description: Again not lots of time to put much in, but what you had have me a good image of what was happening.
Vocabulary: It's very strong and stays consistently so throughout the piece.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Thank you!
The writing is good, but I'm having a bit of a difficult time understanding what's going on. Perhaps if you clarified just a little more? Unless you intended it to be that way, of course.
Half the time even I don't know what's going on, and the character sure don't know what's going on. So yeah, it was intended. I might post another blurb explaining more so we should all know at least A BIT of what's going on eventually. And thank you for paying attention to me and my confusing writing!
No problem! This story is actually pretty intriguing. I can't wait to see more.