A Lesson in Walking Through a Door.

by JennyImStory

Published July 15, 2016

12+ Violence

In Dial

Four shots fired instantly as the Tuner ducked down, their sound concussing in Davner’s ears. Glass sprayed through the train car window. Davner found himself sprawled out on the floor, his face buried in old green carpeting, hands over his head. Davner looked up and gave a shout as he saw the Tuner hanging off the open door to the other car.

“What are you doing??” Davner called out to the man as he hung to the swinging door, his large dark coat swirling about. Davner got even more nervous as the Tuner let go with one hand in order to hold on to his hat. Two armed men on the other car ran to the door, pistols raised. Davner cried out as they aimed at him. Davner still had the dial in his hand. With all the hope he could muster Davner thought The chances of me NOT getting shot! He watched at the hand moved to a puny seventeen. With half a moment to spare Davner turned the small golden knob at the top of the dial to the number five hundred and six. Davner screamed as he watched the two bandits fire, smoke blasting from their weapons. One shot made a loud clang as it it hit the small platform outside the train car. Davner raised his hands instinctively over his face, not realising he also held up the dial. A loud crystal ting rang out.

Davner looked up to see the two bandits covering their ears at the high pitched sound. Then the Tuner swung on the door, smacking straight into one of the two men. Davner looked at the dial in his hand, the sound coming from it fading. He turned it around and looked at it’s unscratched face, the only sign of the gunshot being a small uneven ring of gunpowder that had been left on it. Davner turned his attention back to the other car and watched as the Tuner opened the door again. One bandit lay unconscious on the car floor, the other looked very angry as leveled his pistol at the Tuner.

Davner didn’t know what to think of what happened next. One moment the Tuner was standing in front of a leveled gun, the next he was behind the bandit, smiling broadly as the confused fugitive spun around. With one level punch the second bandit went down, lying unconscious atop the other. One of the other two bandits fired three shots at the Tuner, Davner watched in awe as the man effortlessly dodged each shot. He walked closer to the other bandit who was soon joined by his comrade, both firing continuously to no avail. The Tuner walked up to then, took hold of the barrel of the first bandit’s revolver. Both bandits looked on in horror as the Tuner bent the gun’s barrel upward while saying.

“Why don’t we stop this racket?” The bandit with the bent gun quickly dropped the useless weapon, a look of terror in his eyes. The second bandit raised a shaking gun towards the Tuner and fired, hitting him straight in the chest, but all the Tuner did was take another casual step forward. “That was immature, don’t you think?” The Tuner said just before he spun into motion, kicking the second bandit’s gun out of his hand and snatching the flying weapon. With the revolver in hand the Tuner did something truly odd. He threw the weapon like a boomerang at the bandit’s forehead, the man crumpled to the floor seconds later. The Tuner took care of the last bandit with another simple punch.

With all four men strewn across the aisle the Tuner looked over at Davner.

“Are you getting over here anytime soon?” The Tuner asked. Davner scrambled to his feet. Slipping the dial back into his vest pocket he carefully crossed from one train car to the other. Once he made it there the Tuner addressed the passenger of the car.

“You all wouldn’t mind taking care of these gentlemen after we leave would you?” He asked the stunned groupe. “Also, does anyone have a child who just recently turned sixteen? And when I say recently I mean today or sooner.” The passengers looked at one another but still stood where they were, silent. “Alright then. Chance? You coming?” The Tuner asked as he made his way down the train car.

“Yes.” Davner said, following closely behind the Tuner.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Junel
Review
Junel wrote a review Review · Jul 23, 2016

Hey, so I realized I seem to have forgotten to review this chapter. But anyway, good job!

Grammatical Etc. errors:

angry as leveled his pistol

They should be added in between as and leveled.
walked up to then

I think you meant to say them.
upward while saying.

Take out while it is unneeded.
addressed the passenger of

Passenger should be plural.
the stunned groupe.

Who spelled group wrong.
who just recently turned sixteen

Take out just.
today or sooner.

What is sooner than today? I think you should just end this sentence at today and take off or sooner.
closely behind the Tuner.

End this at behind. We already know he is following the tuner

Characters: We learn more about the character and how brave or not brave they are.
Plot: The plot steadily is progressing at a good pace.
Descriptions: These are getting much more visual so i can see everything that is happening. Still try adding more sounds. This chapter has lots of potential for this. When the Tuner knocks the bandit out and when he bends the gun sounds can probably be heard.

Overall lovely job

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel

SarcasticSpringRoll commented Comment · Jul 22, 2016

HEY! it is your friend do you remember you followed me! ya well I like the story you have a great talent and the beginning was great and I thought that Davner was funny in the good way, I like the funny parts here and there and the end is really good and it makes you ask questions the good kind of questions, there were a few down sides here and there but nun the less you have a pretty nice story going on her good job and just keep up the good work. From a 1 to 10 i wood give this a 7 or 8 witch is pretty darn good so just keep up the good writing and never give up good job. :)

Thanks for the review! And feel free to list any "down sides" you might have found. It is a review after all and critiquing is always welcome!

you or so nice thank you but i really have nun thins is a pretty good story! :)

SarcasticSpringRoll wrote a review Review · Jul 22, 2016

HEY! it is your friend do you remember you followed me! ya well I like the story you have a great talent and the beginning was great and I thought that Davner was funny in the good way, I like the funny parts here and there and the end is really good and it makes you ask questions the good kind of questions, there were a few down sides here and there but nun the less you have a pretty nice story going on her good job and just keep up the good work. From a 1 to 10 i wood give this a 7 or 8 witch is pretty darn good so just keep up the good writing and never give up good job. :)



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Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)