Queen of Night Tulip

Mmmnnn. I love this. So true.

I find it somewhat odd that this has a peaceful feeling for me--it's very sad, yet it's true, and the way it's written and the tone make me relax.

And on that note, I think I shall head off to dreamland. Goodnight, and thanks for posting.

+ hello, jas! I think this is my second comment to your works. :3

+ first of all, I don't care about the rhythm, poem structure, syllable count, etc. It's all about the message & emotion I got when I read a poem.

+ to make it short, I'd like to say how glad I was because I read Queen of the Night Tulip, it was so beautiful. A beautiful poem about a teenager's life. :3 kind of thing that makes my eyes teary.. -gosh-

love,
CS

Heya Jasmine!

So, right off the bat, this reminded me of my bestie Taylor (minus the joint smokin’, bottle drinkin’ thing) with the rainbow hair and all, most especially the first and second stanzas, which is a good thing. It stirred up something realistic and relatable.

There are a few issues with where your line breaks are, though, especially with these two lines:

“with words and lyrics and poems and tiny scribble scrabbles and penned hearts covering the sides.”

“and sitting cross-legged in a circle with them, passing around the joint and that bottle.”

Both of them dangle irritatingly over the ledge of the poems and it wouldn’t hurt to shorten them. The first one could be cut after “poems” and the second line could be cut at the comma.



I wouldn’t worry so much about the lack of rhythm. I would focus on flow more than anything else. I find that it’s sometimes more important to a poem about how it reads out loud. This helps find the natural pauses and line-breaks in the poem which is probably the only issue I found in this poem. Flow is extremely important if you ask me, far less necessary then rhyme or lack of rhyme or whether the rhythm is perfect.

Thanks!

Hello Jas Here to do that review you asked for. By the way, thanks for that. I'm truly flattered. You can beg for a review any day from me! Anyway, to the good stuff. .

A mess of torn vintage dresses, sunken raccoon eyes,
And old, ratty Converse,
With words(,) and(Remove this "and" you have here) lyrics(,) and(This one too.) poems(,) and(And this one! Too many "and's" The repetition doesn't sound quite right.) tiny scribble scrabbles(,) and penned hearts covering the sides.

Some say she is rebelling against her parents,
Who cry and yell and ground her.
Hoping that one day she will listen and(remove this "and" here)(,) turn around
And dye her rainbow head back to mousy brown(,)
And take out the lip piercing(,)
And stop listening to that emo punk trash(,)
And transform (back) into their little girl again. (I really like this last line here. Great job!)

Some say she is rebelling against God(;)
Entwining hands with Satan,
Who's making her abandon Lucy Hans, her old best friend,
And befriend girls with names like Tears and 2MORO and Jezebelle
And take turns passing the joint and that bottle around the circle. (I think this last sentence would sound better as, "And taking turns passing around that joint and bottle within their circle.)


I say she's rebelling against the world(;)
Who hates her hair and her clothes and her friends and her music.
I say that she's a Queen of Night tulip,
Stubbornly tries to grow and reach out, (I think this line would sound better as, "Stubbornly trying to grow and reach out"
But wilts and falls in the attempt.

Overall I think this was an awesome poem. I like the concept a lot! Young teenagers and their emo-ness. You captured the vision of your inspiration really well. I loved it. I had some nitpicks on punctuation, but those things are easy to fix. I made some suggestions as well, but I didn't want to really change what you already had here. After all, it is your poem. I think it had its own personality. Good job again. Keep up the great work!

xD You saying I have no rhythm made me think of that song 'Got No Rhythm' from Phenueus and Ferb. I don't know how to make this rhythmtastic.

This is okay, but you're missing something.

Rhythm.

The lines have a flow that can only be described as jerky. For example:

Some say she is rebelling against her parents,
who cry and yell and ground her.
Hoping that one day she will listen and turn around
and dye her rainbow head back to mousy brown "Brown" and "around" rhyme. Fix that.