I tried painting yesterday,
forced myself to see
him, dotting drops of color, attempting
to capture a certain periwinkle blue,
love me not flowers that were pressed into textbooks by
me, that dried up wilted color that looked so much like his eyes.
but he had the longest eyelashes and
I remember eskimo kisses in the winter. I
stopped painting for a second, laughing, smiling,
caring as I recalled how red his cheeks were
after coming in from shoveling the snow or after
we were alone for too long. The brush was thick and the paint
hit the canvas in just the right way, exactly
six point two ounces of acrylic, cans of it are Fed-Exed every two
months. I kept thinking of the thousands of moments when
we laughed & yelled & kissed & I tried to imagine what his expressions
were back then. I know he was
beautiful, far too beautiful, with thousands of imperfections
and flaws, but never any
tragic mistakes, only tiny things that made him human
like the freckle he had above his eyebrow and the
star shaped scar he had on his chin from childhood days when he
crossed the street without looking both ways and two cars swerved out of the way, broke apart like
lovers to make sure the worst that could happen to him was a fall on gravel and concrete, blinding fear
and a short trip to the hospital for
stitches. I finished white, the tube rolled up like empty toothpaste and went down to the basement, found the
can in the back corner on the shelf, the
only one there and I remembered I never took the shipped boxes inside after he left, reminded myself to
do just that as soon as I finished the left side of his face,
so I went back upstairs and painted for five hours, until the light bled from the sky and I awarded myself a
much needed break. I pulled open the rickety, rusty door and walked outside,
for just a moment, to grab the boxes, but I felt Winter's love on my bare feet and
a serene thought went through my mind:
i should paint out here. I
wound up painting on the porch in my lilac pajamas and bare feet.
that moment, right there,
was beautiful and I was almost done,
on his chin, using a very light peach color to paint
the star scar he was always so insecure about. I said:
you're beautiful on the
inside and the outside and sometimes i wonder why you even bother with a silly girl like me. I
forgot what he said in return but it made me laugh
and slap his shoulder. I bit my lip and then we were quiet. I
tried hard not to say a word, disrupt the peace and I closed my eyes, tried
to keep that second imprinted in my memory forever. Yesterday, I tried to
make a soft stroke for his jaw, but the paint on my palate was all blended, a messy portrait of what I do for
him It was done, his face and I began on his hair but I had to get a picture because I always
forget the exact hue of it on December nights. He was grinning and I was
too but I don't remember who took the picture, it might have been Her
but I think that was before we met her, before she came and ruined everything, before
he told me truths that I swore were lies about what love really is and soul mates and forever, before I
was devastated because everything he said opened up highways in my mind that were
always there but I refused to see, refused to drive down. At that point, the painting became angry, became
hers, and I realized it was always hers
I
was
just
borrowing.
Aad;lfjad;fa. I've already told you how much I adore this.
Dissection time. (I'll try not to repeat anything, but my memory makes no promises.)
First stanza:
I looooooooove the "dotting drops of color" line. (Than my literal side kicks in--was the speaker doing pointillism? And is pointillism even done with paint? The only ones I've seen have been in pen/pencil.)
The structure of the last three lines bugs me, though I see why you did it that way. "me" wouldn't usually be used in the way you used it, and the coma between "periwinkle blue" and "love me not" throws me off a bit.
Second stanza:
I know I've started plenty of sentences with "but". I don't mind that so much. It looks a bit strange, though, because it isn't capitalized. This fits with the sideline poem, but not with the full one.
I love the way you note the exact weight and shipping times of the paint. What a clever way to integrate! It fits perfectly.
Third stanza:
I don't understand how the car crash worked. You say both cars swerved, but... I just can't picture two cars swerving in a way that would give a child a star-shaped scar. (It's possible this is my fault.)
Again, I like the way you fit the two poems together--the star-crossed lovers, and the star-shaped scar. It's inventive. I also like the way you describe her remembering.
Fourth stanza:
I know at Audy didn't like this, but I loved how it was written. You showed a little slice of her day while continuing the poem on both fronts. Good job. Again, I love your attention to detail, what with the little things about bare feet and painting outside in the snow.
Fifth stanza:
I love (again!) the first few lines. So often the words aren't remembered, but the moment is, and you captured that here beautifully. It shows the playful nature of their relationship, and I can relate.
"Disrupt the peace" seems a bit superfluous and out of place. You've said she's keeping quiet in two different ways, and I think it would flow a bit better if you only used one.
Here's where I start having problems with your punctuation, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I've made some suggestions above, but I'm not sure if they're the best solutions. The last word really throws me off, especially in conjunction with the next stanza; I think maybe you should at least add a comma. That's the thing, though--if this were in a normal sentence, and not separated by a line of space, I'm not sure I'd put a comma after "Her". In this, the transition is a tad bit jarring.
Sixth stanza:
I know I'd like to see a comma after "here" on this one. No question here.
Overall:
*gushes*
Your wording was awkward at times, but some allowances can be made because of the structure of the thing. As for capitalization, I think you should do away with it altogether, except for places where you want to make a point, like when talking about Her. (You could also use italics.)
As for the bolded words, only keep them bolded if you want the reader's attention to be drawn to them immediately. If they weren't bolded, this poem would be a puzzle, and when someone found both rhymes, it would be a sort of victory. If you don't want for people to have to guess, then that's fine, keep it as-is--however, I do suggest unbolding the punctuation marks, because some of them belong and some of them don't belong in your shorter poem.
I love your style, and I'm sorry this review came so late. Hope to see much more from you--maybe on a bookshelf? ;3
This was gorgeous, and amazing; It took my breath away.
I read the bolded part first and then the rest was easy to read.
But I loved your imagery, the comparison to the painting and him in real life, and also the way you mentioned her.
It was very detailed. Good job
WHOOOOOOSSHHHHH!!!! What a MASTERPIECE!!!.... :O
EPIC!... Just AWESOME!....
Such an Inspiring way of writing poetry.... Well it really DID inspire me ALOT!...
INNOVATIVE it is... This Surely is a WOW!!... Good Work... Thumbs Up..!!
I thought this was a really good interesting poem. I especially enjoyed the bit about the star-shaped scar and the cars swerving apart. I thought that was a really interesting special detail.
I am very sorry to have to say this but I didn't like the first word of every line being bold. It distracted from the poem for me a lot. I would have enjoyed the piece much more without that.
Very good though!
I know you're hearing this for the millionth time but this poem is simply breathtaking. No one can exaggerate the amount of talent you have and how amazing this poem is. Seriously, you should be famous or something. And I can't believe you're only 14! And the best bit about this poem is that you based it all around one painting. I really loved it. Keep writing!!! ^_^
This is a very lovely peace. I love how you made two poems inside of one big one. Beautiful! I love how you ended with the same thing (it/he was always hers, i was just borrowing) and had the bold poem more specific, and the nonbolded more flowery. Awesome!
I had to read this a few times, both ways, to really be able to get it. Now I feel like crying.
So I logged on especially to comment and tell you what I thought, and even though you've heard it, I'll repeat it: It was beautiful. Every little bit of it. I completely lost myself while reading this. I could relate to it so well, and it's just so... I can't begin to describe. The only way I can think of explainning is this: you wrote that the drawing became angry. That was such a private thought that people think all alone and to themselves, and it felt like it was just fished out of your or your main character's soul.
Brilliant job. Thank you for posting this. Really, thank you. I had a wonderful time reading this.
Ofir
Oh my gosh, this was so incredibly gorgeous. This should be published
I loved the whole concept of the bold at the beginning of the lines that told a separate story than the poem. Simply lovely, my friend.
I especially loved these things:
Beautifully written.
I love getting into the narrator's memories and personal stories. Gorgeous.
My ultimate favorite thing about this piece is the way you ended it. Eventually, the two separate sections came together to form one flawless ending for both sections. That was just stunning.
The only little nitpick I have is that the "i" in the 6th section should be capitalized. Other than that, this was perfect! I just want to read this work over and over again. Keep up the fantastic work!
~Jess
Hello. I shall start off with saying that this was incredible! It was deep and sad and emotional and much more. I do agree it was kinda long, but "size matters not".
(Star Wars quote, I had to) Anyway, considering this is poetry, I won't go on about the grammar. Though I don't have much time to read all of the previous comments, I'll assume they're all very good, so I agree with them. 
So, in all really, I found nothing wrong with this work, nothing at all. I would read this a second time if I didn't have work to do. X( I'll probably read it again when I get home. 
So keep writing, and may the Force be with you. 
Wow. This was simply amazing.
That is all!
Wow…
Sorry, I was speechless for a second…
But I’m back now—
Okay…here we go
Wow, this poem is amazing!
I mean it.
I read the bold first and then the entire thing, and both were spectacular.
I am a fan of oil painting, I do one probably a week,
But the use of imagery and description you used was breathtaking.
There were a few punctuation errors here and there,
But you’re writing made up for it!
Keep writing,
SnowBerry
Hey Jas,
I'm sorry for the late-ness of my review! As you can probably already see from all the likes this piece already has and the fact that it's featured, this was absolutely amazing. I love this form of poetry. It tells such a vivid and emotional story and the rhythm is perfect. It was truly captivating to read. It's so unique, so individual ... it's just absolutely brilliant, and I loved it.
This isn't going to be a very long review because I really, truly can't think of anything to pick on in this. The wording was perfect, the rhythm was perfect and the story was wonderful. I would absolutely love to read more of your work. It took me a few lines to get used to the unusual flow of this piece, but once I was a few lines in, it began to flow absolutely beautifully.
This really is the tiniest nitpick, but I'd change that comma after "I remember eskimo kisses in the winter" to a semi-colon or even a full stop. It reads nicely as it is but I think it would read a little more smoothly if there was a pause there. It might just be my personal opinion, but that bothered me just a little, for some reason.
The imagery really is lovely. I love how vivid the images you create are - I just wish there were a few more of them. I think that the last stanza, especially, could use a little more of that imagery. It's still good as it is, but it seems to lose the mysterious quality the piece had maintained throughout the other stanzas a little. I think that it could do with revising just a little. If you just tweaked it so that it sounded a little more like the rest of the poem, it would be even better.
I absolutely love the lines above. They are so honest, and create such beautiful images as well as being so unique.
Overall, I really, really love this. I think that parts of it could be improved just a little but even if they weren't, this would still be a wonderful piece. I can't wait to read some of your other work!
Keep writing, because you really have a talent for it.
~MorningMist~
Nice! I super love the poem. You've got a unique style and kudos to you
Thumbs up! Keep writing 
This is just....amazing. Stellar. You probably don't need anymore compliments, but I'll tell you you deserve them. This is so clever and beautiful, and the story weaves perfectly. Your last lines are just as brilliant as the first, the ones in between never missing a beat or failing to add to the story. This is just....wow.
Keep writing!
StoryWeaver
That was incredible. Like, wow, SO incredible!
Everything about that poem is perfect. Like, the emotive writing, the flow, everything.
I love how it ends so simply, so acceptingly,
"I
was
just
borrowing."
It's beautiful.
It is a long poem, but to be honest, I of all people can't complain about that. And I actually love long poetry, as it usually tells a story as yours clearly does.
That's another thing I'm adoring: the story. I loved the artistic sections, and this line especially has me swooning (don't laugh at me for using that word. I'm reading Jane Austen.)
"i wonder why you even bother with a silly girl like me. I
forgot what he said in return but it made me laugh
and slap his shoulder. I bit my lip and then we were quiet"
I mean...so beautiful.
I just read dogs' comment, and gosh I agree. Like, 100% agree. It's the best thing I've read in the poetry section, in like...EVER. I'm pretty sure that all of the minor spelling mistakes have been pointed out, so thank God I don't have to do it!
Well done times a million and I honestly can't wait to see more of your work. I'm following you now.
NightWriter x
This is so brilliant, it is hard to review. Honestly. I DO NOT want you to change this. Any of this. The only part that needs editing is a few spelling errors in the fifth stanza-
so I went back upstairs an painted for fiv ours, until the light bled from the sk and I awarde myself a
it should be-
so I went back upstairs and painted for five hours, until the light bled from the sky and I awarded myself a
Other than these few typos, it's all perfect, for reasons the others have explained.
I honestly want to give this more than a review and a like. It is worth so much. This is perfect. Or as close to perfect can ever be. I'm not as good as the previews reviewers were at telling you my complete opinion on this, but-
I feel the same way.
Keep that pen in reach! Seriously!
Jas,
This is a lovely poem for an experimental piece, certainly, the double-poem did it's job and I'll tell you what I thought about it in a second.
First, I just want to give you my overall impression. That this was powerful would be an understatement. There's a clear narration and what makes me care is the strength of the voice and the emotions that are ridden throughout the whole piece. Between the speaker and the man, I really get a sense of them which I like very much. The sentiment got across and I feel you definitely connected with readers. There were a few errors here and there, I think Flow covered it. Mostly, the errors stem from trying to force the double-poem structure to work. I think with a quick glancing over, reading-out-loud a few times, and racking your brain into manipulating certain lines, you can fix it easily so I won't go too much into that. But I'll give you an example so that I'm not called a lazy reviewer, and so maybe it'll serve as a guideline for you into knowing exactly what it is you might want to look for.
For the bold:
You make it more difficult on yourself by introducing that comma after me in the first stanza, and that period after months in the second stanza. I applaud you not only for making the double-poem structure work, but for making the punctuation work seamlessly in both stanzas. That only means that you have to make it work throughout the poem, so when we get to this point:
The 'we' should be capitalized, and...
That period shouldn't be there. Also, Flow already mentioned the i that should've been capitalized. Now as far as the prosy part of the poem:
The 'caring' bit here is awkward. It kind of messed up the flow for me, it just seemed rather forced in there. There were a few little places like this, but I feel it's still pretty clear and overall the flow is fabulous. I'll tell you, I love the bold part, I love how the two parts work together as well. And as for the prosey part, I love the first stanza.
I read the bold part before I read the entire poem, because it just caught my eye and I immediately went "ooo! There's a narrative!" as I read the words going down the screen. So when I went back and read the first stanza, I was shocked and amazed at it. The first stanza to me is actually stronger, just because it implements imagery and only imagery, whereas the meaning behind the imagery was apparent in the bold. So this two part structure, where one implements the narrative/meaning -- and the other the imagery/poem was executed brilliantly. Then it got a bit muddled, which is understandable for a piece as long as this.
Your other stanzas don't lose the imagery, but it does get bogged down with the telling of the narrative, which was already summed up in the bold, so it's like we get the narrative twice. Except in more detail.
To me, the bold was the story and I wanted the rest of it to be the poem.
Blegh. I dislike this part here. Everything was told. T_T. Where's the rhythm? Even free-verse has some kind of rhythm/meter.
I expected poetry, Jas. What I got was that the entire thing was the story and characters and flashback, and emotion, and the bold was just a clever summary of the narrative, so I was a little let down. Well. The first stanza at least was very poetic, and then it began to become a bit more prose-like. OBVIOUSLY it's no easy matter to do what you've done, and like I said, all the important parts are covered. It was still powerful.
I suppose that's my only real critique of it: it read a lot like prose. I feel like if the lines/stanzas weren't broken up, then it would essentially be a prose-piece, wouldn't it? I love your prose because you incorporate so many poetic elements, and as for this poem - there are certainly a lot of prose elements xD I suppose that's what makes you unique as an artist, because there are no clear distinctions between the two forms and you capitalize on that, and you use it to your advantage. Your prose is strong for its poetry, and your poems are strong for its narrative. However, maybe it's because I see the huge potential for this to be truly poetic, that I am slightly let down.
Slightly let down, because this has the potential to be something absolutely unique and brilliant with some work. Not slightly let down because I didn't enjoy this. Because I did. And Jas, you're talented. 'nuff said.
~ as always, Audy
You have so much talent and it definitely, definitely shows in this piece! I couldn't keep my eyes off of this beautiful creation! The way you had the separate poem run down the side made my jaw drop. Never in a billion years would I be able to write as flawlessly as this! I only found one thing wrong, and you probably did it on purpose! In this quote:
The "I" needs to be capitalized. That is the only thing that I found to critique. Wow, just wow. I am dumbfounded. This is so amazing! Keep writing! BRAVO
This is indeed a long poem my friend. I don't think I've introduced myself, hi my name is Flow. Now then, that's out of the way so I can review your poem. I can see that you put alot of time and effort into this poem. I love how you wrote two poems in one and at the same time combined them with each stanza. With that said I will try and give a decent review.
I feel like some stanza's are more powerful than others. The very first stanza seems weaker than the others. You don't really give a strong opening, it didn't just draw me into the poem or make me want to read more. I like the images you place in here but it seems very choppy in the beginning. Between lines four and five is where I got stopped. There is a pause there that seems very un-natural and I don't think it adds anything to the poem. It seems like you were just trying to force something there because you already had the first poem written and it had to match. I love the last line of stanza one though, it tied it together nicely.
In stanza two I got caught on the word but. It feels like you did the same thing you did in the previous stanza. I wouldn't put the word but in the first line in a normal sentence. That's something you have to keep in mind when writing a poem like this. You also didn't capitalize the word but when you have a period in the previous stanza.
In stanza three you get confused in the first line because it seems you vary between the past and the present. A comma might help us keep up with which tense your in at the time. (If that makes sense) I didn't want to comment to much on the up and down poem at this point but this stanza really connects. I love how you put them together and make them dependant on each other. This is a very unique style and I adore it greatly.
I think the transition you made from the third stanza to the fourth was beautiful. I didn't feel any lack of flow in this and most writers have issues with this. In line four I think it would sound better if you said I reminded myself, it might seem an un-needed word but it makes all the difference when reading it. I think this whole stanza is just one dragged out though. You pack it with so much imagery that it just seems to drag on and on. The lines in this stanza are much longer than the ones in the other stanza's and I think it might be better if you made into more lines. That is just my opinion though.
In the next stanza I'm not sure why you lack the capital "I" in the first line. It throws it off because you don't do that anywhere else in the poem. It makes the poem lack consistency, but again that is completely up to you as the writer. I like the transition from line four to line five, how you turn it from a memory to the painting again. You have a beautiful way with words my friend, not many writers have that talent. The very last line in this stanza threw me off majorly. You leave us with a her and not knowing who her is. It was very random and it kind of stuck out in my opinion. Why would some random girl be taking a picture of you and him? Was she a friend or just the girl he left you for? I think this is the best stanza in the poem though, I really enjoyed it.
Stanza six just seems very ranty, you just throw all these feelings onto the page. You went from a calm painting to just throwing feelings everywhere. It was almost like you were tired of writing the poem and decided to get to the rant you wanted everyone to know about. It was like you wanted it to be poetic but got tired and let your emotions cover up your talent. Not that that's always a bad thing, it's just a sharp transition.
I like the very last line it makes me question the whole poem. It makes me wonder what really happened and I think it was a very appropriate ending. You closed out the poem with grace and don't leave anything else to be said.
This poem is AMAZING I love it,
just one thing,
I think that since everything else is like a sentence with the first word bolded these two stanza's should be together as one so that it flows a little nicer.
Great job, keep up the good work.
Good day! Alfred here.
I like the over-all total of your work:
-The structure is finely made
- The words are properly chosen
- The bold effects works!
The verses made great impact on their own which is an important quality in any poem.
Good like writing because I want you to write more!
I can't even begin to tell you how impressive and poetic and unimaginably amazing this is. I would never in a million years have been creative or talented enough to think up this brilliance, and yet here it is. Low and behold my friend, I think you've just produced a new style of poetry. It's nearly two poems sewed together as one, creating a beautiful elegant tale of love and loss and painting love me not flowers! The stanza that tells of eskimo kisses was definitely the best, but I can't even say that because of how incredible it is as a whole. This belongs in a magazine. This belongs in a book.
I have the strange urge to print this out and throw it at the idiots in my English class so they understand what real writing looks like. Your twisted words are captivating, and now I'm off to read over everything else you've ever written.
Please don't stop writing, you've got talent.
-Jacqueline
AGHHH HUDZ BEAT ME TO THE FIRST POST! But really quick. oh.... my..... god.... oh..... my.... god..... oh..... my..... god.... oh.... my....god..... OH.... MY...... GOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD! THIS IS THE SINGLE BEST POEM THAT I HAVE EVER READ ON YWS. THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING BETTER THEN THIS THAT I HAVE READ. THIS IS SO GOOD SOOO SOOOO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD! The metaphor is perfect, you linked everything back to the beginning and the incorporation of the double poem is amazing. And the end OMG THE END You have incorporated every single thing I look for in a poem and more. You have put in fantastic imagery, amazing desciption, excellent vocabulary. AND YOU BASED ALL AROUND PAINTING AND USED THAT AS A METAPHOR WHILE THROWING IN WINTER AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE BECAUSE WINTER BITE'S BECAUSE OF THE COLD SO LOVE IS COLD AND BITE'S AND EVERYTHING IS JUST OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.
Jas. I loved this, absolutly adored this, frekan amazing. absolutely flawless flipping fantastic! You have taken home the gold medal for best poem I have ever read on YWS. Congratulations to you. Please don't give me 200 points that is sooo unnecessary. I have already read this poem 3 times because I love it so much! Never stop writing please oh please!!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Oh my God!!!!!! its beautiful really i loved it so much. I loved the ending part. I love the way you work from the top at such a calm peaceful and smooth flow, and then at the end everything becomes a frenzy. Its really amazing.
I love it
The only thing is i had to read it like it wasn't broken into different lines. I had to read it like i was reading a short story.
Maybe you should only start another line when there is a full stop. But other then that, it was a beautiful poem. But sad all the same.
Keep it up