i pretend i can write poetry with the qwerty keyboard of my cell phone in order to feel some sort of aesthetical pride like i actually do have a point. im sure theres more to me than just colloquial dialogue and apologetic statements, but for some weird reason i cant figure out whats left of me once you erase b+ a- average, wannabe poetry and this inexplicable feeling that the ideas are fine
but the execution was a bit off.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
I loved it. The originality was refreshing and the ideas were great. I love your last line. I don't think it matters that it was written as one paragragh because I think it adds to the effect. Great work, seriously.
Ha! I was hoping to feel enlightened at the end of it, as though you were framing something deeper with this
rantstylistic alternative. But I didn't, that's okay though. Cause it was short enough for me to giggle and move on.Edit: Read Lumi's interpretation and now I am mildly embarrassed. I thought this was complete satire, to be taken with a grain of salt. Obviously not.
Hey, Jas!
The ideas are fine but the execution was a bit offWalker’s given you some fenced praise already, so I’m going to simply say “good job” and get into a discussion about what you’ve written here. K? K.First off, I can pin your flow stumbles to three places where you can smooth things over:
1. Cell phone
With the third thing I’ve thrown in there, I just want to see an article before b+. Then you’ll have me sold. As for the first two, while one of the points of this piece is to be a sort of soliloquy of poetry, which you’ve done nicely, those two phrases just take it under for me, and I think it’ll function better as a whole with some oil rubbed into those gears. Even in prosaic poetry, flow is crucial; it’s poetry, and if I, as a reader, agonize over a phrase you’ve dropped here or there, then I don’t inhale your presence quite as ambitiously. Does that make sense?2. Some weird reason
3. Erase b+ a- average
Now, don’t get me wrong: I took this in with great ambition, and that should indicate what an interesting job you’ve done. It’s that last line that interests me the most—the one I quoted and scratched out in the beginning of this review. Even the reviewers who preach that can’t follow it to the T, and so for that, I want to mark this up as a sort of apathetic, cold-autumn satire of poetic interpretation. It’s the idea that we can frame and measure either catharsis or art, depending on how you approach poetry, and critique the inner workings of another’s mind that brings this piece into focus.
But at the same time, you’ve made it clear in the third line that this is also catharsis, a conveyance of deeper agonizing that is really all that’s left once you strip away what we show, what we merit. And so it opens a passage for a further musing: what makes us who we are, and why is this only manifested in our merits? It’s something that’s pondered often, and it may be cliché at this point. If it is, then so be it. I don’t care.
While I don’t want to see further expansion or condensation, I would love to see your thoughts on the musing you’ve opened up. Perhaps it’s a gateway for another piece, or just a discussion for the debate forum or a PM in chat. Either way, you’ve done some good things here, Jas. I like it.
Also, I pretend that I can write poetry, too. Only I don’t pull it off as well as you do.
-Lumi
I like your spunk, kid.
But, unfortunately, as much as this was quirky and... well, quite well planned out, I couldn't find myself getting past the fact that it was a giant paragraph even if done that way effectually. And quirkiness will only get you so far.
That being said, can I really critique this? I don't think that's possible, at least from me. And as much as I would like to go on about how amazing this is in the fact that its simple and quirky, I don't suspect I'll ever be able to treat it as a poem. And I'm sorry for that.
What I will say, though, is I respect your nerve and your ideas. I respect that you put this out into the crazy world of YWS, and I respect what you achieved. You achieved it. There is no doubt about that. You achieved it. Merely, this lacked metaphor whether or not it had a visible, outer metaphor.
I'm amused, so I think this deserves a like.
~Walker