Water seeps between my toes,
sand sucks in with the tide;
The sun bright above,
The sea cold below
I breathe in deeply,
inhaling the salt;
See the seagulls fly above,
free and liberal
The wind dances around me,
my hair flies into my face,
but I am at peace,
truly at my home
Bend my hand down,
reach for the salt;
feel it drift between my hands ,
falls back to its home
The sun shines pink, orange; dawn
Streaks of light, of beauty stretch,
finally awake;
The moon now asleep
The tide glides me in,
invites me to join
keeps pulling me in deeper;
Fearless Posiedon
My eyes are now gently closed
my senses losing control
one by one, shut down
Just gone with the tide
Now I lay back
between here and there,
not realy alive but not dead,
It's peaceful, at last.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
You know I really hope no one else besides you is reading these reviews I'm giving you cause I sounds really mean, or just insane at times. xD
I like it so far, the only thing that bugs me is the word liberal. It just doesn't bring to mind freedom for me *shrug* that just might be me though.I'd describe the sea in a different way then just calling it salt, it seems kind of bland to me.
OIlike <3
Absolutely amazing! The imagery was superb! Every line dripped with emotion!
I've read a few of your poems and they are all well written and extremely captivating. Personally this is my favourite just reading it made me feel peaceful also I live by the coast so I really felt like I could relate to the sense of home. Simply I loved it!
x
Hello there!
I like it. As what "Dante92" said, I too feel calm and at peace when I began reading this. I like the first stanza until the last one. Also, how you portray the sun, moon, smell of the beach and the moon are really descriptive enough that the narrator here feels peaceful.
Keep on writing!
Peace out!
I would not change much in this poem. It made me feel at peace, like several poems I have written about the sea, about my own personal paradise. It may just be me, but this poem makes me and happy, and I say that you should only change something if YOU see something wrong. I thought it was great, and I got the message, whole heartedly I say good job, and keep on writing positive like this.
The second part of that sentence is weird. I think that, if it weren't for the rhythm-ish you have, "not quite dead" would work better...I don't know how that might be worded a little better, but it snagged at me.
As I was reading this, it seemed more like your descriptions fit with a person underwater, and I had to keep reminding myself that MC was standing there. That's probably just me, though.
All things considered, you evoked an emotion really well, and as the only dislike I had was that aforementioned line, you did quite well.
Keep on writing.