there are names carved into the bark
whittled out words that promise
and swear of humanity's love and friendship
and existence.
there seems to be two trees in one, one part
long and straight like an elephants trunk, the branches jutting out like
tusks. the other is
gnarled like an old woman's fingers,
ridden with arthritis and pink at the joints, curling and twisting
unable to reach for the simplest things,
shaking, her breaths slow and concentrated as she reaches
for the porcelain tea pot that's been in the family for years,
almost sweating as she misses again and again while attempting
to grab the smooth, china-glass handle.
They cut into the bark, couples who have picnics by the trees deep roots,
laying blankets over the grass that sprout out from the ground
like flyaway hair on a child's head,
teenagers that visit the plain for a school trip,
bored and sneakingly turning their Swiss Army blades into the tree's soft skin.
They brand the tree with sentiments and promises, shapes that will eventually mean nothing.
The sun is setting, light slowly bleeding from the sky and the names are gone.
Jas,
Amazing and surprising as always. Let me just say, I loved this poem. The imagery of this tree, and the old woman and her fingers, these are some powerful images - and also perceptive. I'm going to take a stab in the dark as to the meaning of this - of people/humanity who hope for permanence and stability, contrasted with that of reality-- that things may not be so permanent or stable, as depicted by the woman's fingers/the names being gone. That's what I've got out of it, anyway. I think it's an interesting perspective, and if I were to comment on how to best improve this piece, I'd just say it needs some tidying up and polishing.
A good, strong introduction. Promise & swear may be a bit superfluous as they are synonyms, I'd go for one or the other. I also just want to point out the third-person narration here and the lack of an identifiable speaker puts a natural distance from the work and the readers. The distance allows us objectivity and clarity, but you lose emotion. This is great if that's your intention.
I'm not too big a fan of repetition, but that's my own preference. Say it once, say it right. You describe her reaching, so I'd just throw out that 6th line altogether. If you do end up leaving in, then I'd suggest at least experimenting with a different verb-choice, the two "reaches" are pretty close together and I don't see any advantage of repeating it.
I'd even leave out the "...while attempting / to grab the smooth, china-glass handle" just because it diffuses the tension. If you ended the stanza at "...she misses again and again" there's more impact. The frustration is elevated. Just suggestions.
All grass sprout from the ground, I'd just dive into the flyaway hair description - that's actually some nice imagery. The part about the teenagers - there's no verb in this sentence, just a lot of adverbs. I'm also not a fan of "sneakingly" - but that's my own preference. The Swiss Army blades though - some nice detail there.
I love this. I wonder if there's a stronger word for "gone" ..? I get that it's getting dark and you can no longer see the names - and I understand what you may be doing here poetically (that is, if my own interpretation is accurate XD) but gone would imply that the names just suddenly disappear. They don't though. Unless someone burns or cuts down the tree xD You could say they're forgotten maybe? I dunno.
In any case, I'm curious as to the inspiration for this piece and the meaning behind it
~ as always, Audy