migration

I see you've done a rewrite - it'd actually have been quite helpful for me if you'd left the original version up there (maybe in a spoiler?) just so I'd be easily able to compare and contrast, rather than having to go back and reread my terribly long review again...(joking - but it does make my re-review easier!). So...I'll comment on the changes...

long wings open wide, waiting for wind and longing for flight;

Oh...this is lovely. It flows and rolls around my mouth so nicely now. Much better than the harsher 'r' sound that was dogging it up before. (Yes, I did just use the word dogging - I meant clogging, but then, I also meant...oh, never mind).

Just a tiny thing, though - and this is PURELY a personal preference - the 'w' is pronounced everywhere with one's mouth in the shape ready for a kiss; and this is really good in the context of the poem, especially with those tongue-kissing 'l' sounds and open-mouthed 'o' sounds you've got going in this poem. However (and I'll repeat that this is really a personal matter of choice), the 'w' sort of looks very grey to me on the page; I can't really describe it; it just looks officious and formal and...forget it. The line is lovely and don't you DARE change it.

That first evening you thought them filigree, an ever-changing grain

Okay, so maybe this is a shortcoming on my part, but the word 'filigree' sent me to the dictionary. It's perfect, of course - a delicate gold ornamental thing - but I will admit that I actually had to stop and reread it several times, before I even spotted the word filigree that was eluding me. I'd recommed asking around for more opinions on how many people would know the word. If almost everyone does, and I am living in a word-cave, then I'd recommend leaving it there. If not many people know it, then do not disrupt your beautiful flow with that bizarre word.

Oh, and if you do leave it in...think about it again. 'Filigree' means exactly the right thing, agreed. But it looks too close to the word 'pedigree', which I, unfortunately, associate with dogs immediately, and so it kind of spoils the baeutiful effect of the poem with such a vulgar association. But that's just what MY MIND thinks of firss. Plus - 'fili' seems too...foul?...a section of a word to have (maybe since it starts with 'f'? Ok, fine, I'm overcomplicating things!!!) - and 'gree' is just urgh. It doesn't taste good. The 'g' and the 'r' together - gross (pardon the pun).

into her clothes, her lips, her eyes, and she whispered poems into the summer
breeze, her hands like morning rain and her hair like foam over the sea

Much better change of 'into her clothes, her lips, her eyes' - much smoother flow, here. I still think you can do better than 'whispered poems into the summer breeze' - firstly, I like 'whispers' since the word ties in perfectly with the delicate creature she is. Secondly, 'poems' is a little...cliche...to put in a poem. Sure, she's got to whisper something, but why not make it a little more bizarre and extraneous than a poem? And 'summer breeze' is a no-no - far too cliche for such an extraordinary creature. You've created such an enticing, such a different and magnificent character - try not to take away from her other-worldliness by cliche phrases!

The 'hands like morning rain and hair like foam over the sea' part is...too watery. Focus on just her hands or just her air for greater impact. Truth be told, it's really unneeded, since we can picture her perfectly without it. Think about changing it so that you maybe emphasise the softness, the delicate nature of the morning rain a bit more - the 'sea' still seems too...wild, too big to have in a poem about such a timid, delicate-footed girl.

you thought for her you could wither, or fade, or live, forever.

And that was a WIN.

(I might object to the word 'wither' if I'm being really nit-picky - sounds too old-and-crumbly for the smooth flow of the poem and the firl...but I won't.)

Cold crept in late, wrapped her up tight and sang softly

Another WINNER - beautiful, really.

and when she cries it’s lonely, it’s like a tragedy—it’s like winter

I don't like the word 'lonely' - not delicate and subtle enough for a writer of your finesse. 'Like tragedy' seems way over the top romantic and Romeo-and-Juliet-ish; again, avoid cliches like the plague. I'd change 'it's like winter' to 'it is winter' for a stronger effect - and that was a much better ending, I must say.

I am very impressed with what you have managed to achieve, taking into account suggestions and comments - and flattered that you have taken just about all of them into account. Plus, it must have been such a hard task re-editing since you also had the rhyme and rhythm to think about! Of course, I will admit that the above review was VERY specific - just a few things I felt were off, for very minute reasons - so you can ignore them, if you do not wish get too crazy over a single poem. But...I suspect you are a perfectionist, and will want this masterpiece to be polished to shining, so I wish you luck with that .

If you do intend to change a few things (I'd recommend giving it a rest for a few weeks, actually, and coming back to it) feel free to PM me again.

Here, as requested!

This was a beautiful love poem – may I call it that? – and I liked the innovative use of language, and fresh ideas, original descriptions. You said you had never written a rhyming poem before. I would argue that this seemed less like a rhyming poem, and more like a flowing free verse, that had rhymes so loosely placed that it was easy to miss them first time round. I think the reason for this is that you do not actually keep a solid iambic meter – the rhyme is fine, but the rhythm is different each time, which gives each line a different feel to the next, and doesn’t mean that we bob up and down until we get to the end. The words flow into each other in a more linear fashion. However, there were some lines that might have been smoother – more on that later .

There were some extraordinarily enchanting lines:

birds tattooed blue over the curve of her shoulder

That is pretty, and you know why? Because the image is making me want to eat the poem. It is…sensuous, interesting, I-can’t-really-tear-my-eyes-away-from-this kind of an image.

in the silence of her dreams snow falls, and in the dim light
the birds shiver, dip in the grooves of her spine, where shadows flutter.

This was peaceful, by your word choice: ‘silence, dreams, snow falls, dim light, dip, shadows flutter…’ You created the idea of her sleeping peacefully without ever having had to have spelt it aloud for us. Just a quick note: there needs to be a comma after ‘dreams.’

the way the lines intertwined, swirled, shifted under your hand.

At first I thought that I didn’t like this, and then I decided I did. It’s the fact that you’ve used three verbs in quick succession that annoyed me at first, especially since they DO disrupt the flow of that line (because they end in the hard ‘d’ sound, which I have to stop on, before I read the next word). However, I am going to step back from the nit-pickiness and say that the image you have created, regardless, is wonderful: the lines of the tattoo are coming alive as I read it. So…I’d suggest keeping the three verbs, but doing something to keep the flow better. Or just forget it, since Snoink loves this so much. (Jokes.)

She wore white, seemed fragile and bright, all stained glass and melted sand.
Light passed through her, wove its trembling strands over and over again
into her eyes, her lips..............

This part: 'she wore white' was not particularly original, I felt, but you made it more original with the 'seemed fragile and bright' - which, I admit, are two words I have rarely (if ever) seen used together. And the 'stained glass and melted sand' bit...it is rolling around on my tongue feeling lovely. Like I said, I want to eat this. 'Light passed through her, wove its trembling strands over and over again into her eyes, her lips' is likewise pleasing, but I found that I actually slur-read this the first time. It's a phrase your mind just breezes over, because it merges so easily in with the rest. Really, what you're saying here is not very different to the rest of the stanza, but it helps strengthen that image, nevertheless.

when she cries it’s like winter, it’s tragedy,

This might seem a little cliche at first glance, but I really don't think it was, all things considered, since you've been so innovative before. So, I'd say: keep it.

Now...for some constructive advice (or rather, things I didn't like as much in this marvellous poem of yours):

long wings open wide, primed and ready for flight;

This is pretty, but it needs to be smoothened. Read it aloud. Notice that the first bit is said with your mouth in a mainly open 'O' shape. But the 'r' in 'primed and ready' ruins the effect of this a little - seems kind of less elegant, rougher, almost dog-like. This is a really specific thing to change, so subtle you might not even notice it, but...just something to keep in mind.

The first you saw them you thought of fine paintings on porcelain,

I don't really know why this line was being stubborn with me. I think it's to do with the fact that: 1. it's kind of long, so I don't really bother trying to digest it before I move on to the next line and 2. 'first........fine paintings on porcelain' is annoying in my mouth. It doesn't have that long-and-open-mouthed, flowing effect seen in the rest (too much alliteration going on here). Plus, I felt that it seemed like an emptier simile than the ones you evoke later on. It doesn't help bring the girl to life - it deadens her, when you compare her to something as object-like as porcelain. 'Stained glass' works because it's more open and general, and serves to emphasise her physical fragility...'porcelain' sounds shiny and cracked and more fake. Just my impression .

into her eyes, her lips, her smiles, and she danced under the summer
skies, her hands like forest fires and her hair like the open sea;

Right, so I like the part about light flowing through her lips and eyes - just the 'smiles' bit is a little 'off' since it's not really saying anything the 'lips' don't. Replace it with something a little more artistic.

'Danced under the summer skies' seemed bland, actually. It sounded strange, because you've already described her as being so fragile, and thus 'dancing' seems like too...energetic an act, I think. 'Summer skies' is a tad overused.

And 'hands like forest fires and hair like the open sea' just didn't work for me, either. I LOVE this character you've conjured (actually, I love the way you've conjured her...), but this seemed a little over the top - and it detracted from the soft, breakable, fragile, delicate creature you'd made up. 'Forest fires' is far too dynamic and in-your-face for an angelic, light-footed girl like her. And 'hair like the open sea' also evokes a rather violent picture of the girl, esp since it comes after the 'fires' bit, so makes it seem like the waves are alight, too. Just the whole simile sounded...out-of-place within the context of the rest of the poem.

you thought for her you could burn, or drown, or live, forever.

'Burn, or drown' again follows on from the 'fires' and 'sea' image, and again, it doesn't work as well. She is a sweet, DELICATE creature - doing such drastic acts just sounds off. But I loved the 'live, forever' bit - since you make it sound like a punishment, equivalent to jumping off a cliff. To me, that was the sweetest thing the narrator says he'll do for her. The others were just...predictable (esp after earlier mentions of fires and seas).

it’s you and her.

Don't know if this was the best ending in the world. I'm sure you can be a little more creative than that, even if it IS for the purposes of the rhyme!

Now...about this rhyme...I realise after you've done a neater re-edit that you're also going to have the trickier task of figuring out which rhymes to put in there, now - you have my full sympathies there.

For the present, I'll say simply that I liked the loosely strung together rhymes, because they tied in well with the character in the poem - loosely strung together, light, pretty. But, if you'd like to polish it a little better, in terms of getting a little bit of rhythm in there, I'd recommend reading the whole poem out loud yourself a fair few times, and that way, you'll be able to pinpoint them for yourself, and change them by rewording as necessary.

I must say, I cannot wait to see this poem in all its glory, and I enjoyed what I saw here too, so I really hope you do a bit of perfecting and make it look like the stunner I picture it to be!

Good luck, and I hope I have addressed all your concerns. If not, feel free to PM me again .

Hey Jagged. It was an interesting poem. It flowed very nicely and the imagery was nice. It's talking about a girl with bird tattoos right, a special someone for someone?

and in the dim light
the birds shiver, dipping in the grooves of her spine, where shadows flutter.

I liked it. I understood it better than the physics poem . It gave me warm feelings.

-Crescent

Ooooh! I actually really liked this! It's seriously one of my favorite poems on YWS... and that's saying A LOT. *likes*

Okay, so now that that's done, there were only two little nitpicks that I kind of didn't like... but everything else was pretty much brilliant, so just know that I still love you and whatever.

Yet lately you hesitate, hold your breath and walk softly;

This is the first line that you have adverbs, and honestly? It doesn't work. You're such a brilliant writer... don't get lazy with adverbs.

and when she cries it’s like winter, it’s tragedy, it’s you and her.

The main problem I have with this line is that it seems like it should be inverted... saying "it's you and her" is not as powerful as saying "it's tragedy" so it looks like you're ending on an weak note... which isn't good!

Still, it's a beautiful poem. Thank you for posting it and good luck on all your edits!

Hi there.

There are birds tattooed blue over the curve of her shoulder,

It seems odd. Should it be "There are birds tattooed blue over the cure of their shoulder/s" ? Or is it correct anyway.

Oh well. I like this. Very well done.

Kudos
Biffle