The kingfisher of her voice hummed over the waters
and shivered with the wind, the willows, the waves,
while the stream trickled its rosary of trembling drops
from the cracked stones and tittered from its bed of pebbles
and moss. From a ripple she rose again, weary and faint;
insistent. Narcissus, it sang, as it did over hills and
under boughs; as it did in the cool splendid shadows
of white marbles where girls hid to steal a glance of
him; Narcissus, it repeated, caught the sounds from
his mouth and sent them shining across the sky and
bounding between the stone arches that crumbled, lost
beneath their mantles of thistle and ivy. Narcissus was
his voice to the waters and her song stealing away,
and faithful it came fluttering back into the dark
to die, sighing, at her feet, her ever singing limbs.
Title borrowed from Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves:
"And where there is no Echo there is no description of space or love.
There is only silence"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Hi!
I really enjoyed the language you used in your poem. The first stanza sets a vivid scene in my mind, and, true to your title, it is a description of space. I like how each line does not end at an obvious break, so that the stanza flows from line to line, and into the next section. I thought that this line in particular was lovely:
I just love how it feels when I read it.
I am curious as to why you chose to say I feel like I may be missing some connotation about the kingfisher. Is it mythologically relevant?
The second stanza helps to explain the poem's subject, and introduces the description of love. This part struck me as powerful:
I feel like your words are leaping through the sky, and I love that impression.
The last stanza ties up the poem nicely, and the description is gorgeous:
I'm glad you brought water back into the last stanza. It gives a sense of completion to the piece.
You clearly state in the title that this is to be description, and the poem followed up on that. However, I think the writing is just a little bit prosy, and I find that some of the sentences run on. Maybe breaking the stanzas and sentences up in a couple places would make reading smoother.
Overall, I really liked this poem and the impression it gave me. Fantastic Job!
--Glim
Hey Jag.
The first three lines here seemed like a bit of deadweight, and something about the word "Drops" at the end of the third line stopped flow dead for me. These lines also set the stage, but the image isn't exactly solid in my mind. It feels choppy, as if you're just trying to set the stage and not putting much thought into how it will tie in with the rest of the poem. From line four onward it picks up, but the first three were hard to get past.
I can see what you're trying to do now that I've read the whole poem, trying to set up the sound that seems to permeate all, but the sound is so weak it's taken over by the kingfisher, the pebbles, the water, the whole forest. But, when sound (more specifically Echo) becomes your focus, the poem picks up and flows well. From this, I'd suggest to switch the first three lines to having a bit more mention of whispers in them, mostly so they tie into the rest of the poem more obviously.
Past that, I enjoyed the poem. The jerks in lines when they transcended stanzas was odd at first, but upon the second read I didn't have a problem with it. I actually enjoyed reading this poem a second time, picked up on more of the subtleties of the word choice. It does have a good flow, as Jack said, and I found your interpretation of the quote pretty good. I find the actual part you used to title the work could be a bit stronger in the poem, but it's not really harmed without it.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hey Jagged,
Loved the alliteration of the W and S in this. It had a very nice sound while reading aloud! It had a very nice classical feel to it, and I'm glad of your tight structure. There's not a lot to improve in a technical sense.
Language-wise:
Here's a suggestion:
while the stream trickled its trembling rosary drops <--- here you get a nice "tr" alliteration. Just an idea?
I disliked the next two lines because it seemed a bit of a run-on. The bed of pebbles and moss seemed a bit boring.
How is weary and faint yet still insistent?
Insert a comma after marbles. There's quite a few places in this poem that could do with a few pausing commas, as ideas and lines rush ahead of themselves and it gets a bit messy. Read it out loud to find the best spots for them.
I think you need to extend this, as the story seemed to come to quite an abrupt end. I thought there would be more, if I'm honest. This sort of concept lends itself to a more epic feel. Don't feel constrained by the typical three stanza poem (I know I often am) -- keep it going!
JAGGED!!!!!!
I CANT BELIEVE YOUR HERE!!!! 
REMEMBER ME??
Anyway, My corrections will be in red,
my likes in purple
my dislikes in green
and my comments in pink!
Wow, really pretty and poetic. VERY nice stuff!!!!
it's all really intense but if that's how you wanna role, by goley, role that way!!
Most of the paragraphs I liked and it gave me a nice picture!!
Hope I helped!!
chow for now,
sionarama
Hey, Jagged,
I can't say that prior to now, I've read any of your poetry, or anything of yours, for that matter. As far as first impressions go, this is a good one.
Let's have a look,
Why trembling drops? This makes it feel as if you're cramming too much description into one item, and it's more a disabling crutch than a support.
Here, I'm not too fond, dear. I'm not sure what's the "it" is that's tittering, here, but I think you need to tie in loose ends such as that. Also, the last part here isn't working, I don't think. I think you can combine that with another part, or rework it, dear, because it changes the tone of that stanza, which would be good, if the next stanza called for it, but I think the contents of that line belong with the next stanza, dear.
Who is this "It"? I'm confused, because when you begin, you said the kingfisher of her voice, and if this is in continuum with that her, then I think you should maintain the usage of her instead of "it", or make who "it" is clearer, because the fogginess of this character is messing up more than it is aiding, dear.
I think that you have a lot more potential in this poem than you're showing. I like your choice of topic -- there's an endless amount of ways that you can expand on this, and on that note, ask yourself, are you really showing what you can do with this? There are so many unanswered questions in this poem, dear -- who is this it? What are the words from Narcissus' mouth that It repeats?
With your title's aid, I see where this could be going, but I still feel as if there are many gaps in between what you are saying. I think you have a delicate way with words, which is beautiful, because it does amazing things for the reader when you don't have an outrageous vocabulary to spring on us. I think that the final thing here is tightening the screws so that there are no more loose ends and dark holes for us to be left to.
Keep writing,
June
Ooh! I
likelove this poem! I agree with Becca. Your personification is good. I hope you can write more sometime.Well that's all from me.
~ladypurple
I really liked this piece. I find your choice of formatting interesting, though. I like the description of actions and personification "voice hummed." I think the second paragraph ends awkwardly since it is continued in the third. Overall, I think this was very well written, I just got lost a bit in the style.