my brother has bonethin wrists, and in this at least we
are alike.
past a certain point separation is to be calculated not
in distance but in time; we stretched it like dewdrops on
spiderwebs at dawn, and all of its facets shone,
and
there is something to be said
about a sun setting on us both at the same time,
though dusk falls late here where the hills wait for
night like hands cupped to the sky during a drought.
yesternight a waltz came to me in the dark, creaking and
whirling and grinning like a pair of skulls on a puppeteer’s
strings, weaving in under the door between echoes from
the living room TV.
my brother has bonethin wrists and fingers like a pianist’s,
and for a minute under the kitchen lights he looked
like he had so many of them, fives and ten and even more,
as his hands rose and dipped like incense smoke over the
worn ivory keys of his new accordion, and the waltzes he’d
learned all by himself while so very far away swung outwards
from that red instrument on his chest, toothed and grinning, to
rip apart the spidersilk of my sleep.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
You are a fantastic writer! But on the same token, I do agree with MeanMrMustard. I'd love to see more substance added to the poem. That in conjunction with your natural talent for writing will make you unstoppable, I think! Definitely keep up the good work!
Jagged where is the drama and conflict to make this more than a collage of words and relationship between speaker and their "brother"? It has nice visuals, but what's the mind blowing revelation? Or the admittance of one lack thereof?
I get it, bonethin wrists, allusions to things like wrists, a play on words of wrists, the world balanced on qualities of wrists.
I need more identification in these things though beyond mere association. Develop a single image, continue the emphasis and tunneling of this quality; we get the breadth of the diversity of the relationship to what it spans in different things, but you're teasing at unspoken drama. You're playing with what you want to say.
Being blunt isn't so bad Jutt; it's how you're blunt, and whether you're aware of the fiction in doing so. Think about that.
Wow. I have to say, this is probably my favorite out of all the poems I've seen on YWS so far. The run-on sentences don't really bother me at all, it's poetry, and for me that means that screwing around with grammar is only to be expected. Speaking of, I like the condensation of "bone thin" down to one word. It sort of portrays its meaning in its appearance better.
I like how it's structured too, how the first three sections (discounting the 'and') introduced a new subject and how they were all spun together in the last. It gave me the impression of seeing the words being woven before my eyes as I read.
So yeah. This is so very awesome and blah blah blah further gushing. xD
Hey really good, but you had some run on sentences
Jagged, poetry isn't my forte, but when I read yours I feel it in my bones, and I want to swim in it. I am so sure there is so much behind what you give us, and to experience what I'm sure you experience, and construct works like this is a talent any writer should envy and strive to acquire.
An ever faithful fan!
I didn't mind the long sentences; in fact, it gave the whole poem a waltzy, rolling feel in my opinion. I really liked this!
Wow this was great. I really like your style of writing
The only thing is that the sentences seemed to stretch on and on, like Kels said above... some comas and semi-colons could be used in there just to give us readers a breath or two. Other then that, I don't have any criticism for you, it was absolutely beautiful. I really enjoyed 
Keep on writing!
-Truth-
This was a great poem! I really liked it. The only thing that was a little off to me was that there were a lot of run-on sentences. I do realize that this is a poem so you can do that but it made the reading a little funky. Also there were some commas where there should be semi colons so just look it over. Over all it was great though, I really like it.
-Kels