Hope flutters, sometimes, across your eyes,
on those days when you pace across the terrace,
back and forth, back again, like an old pendulum.
Your steps resonate in the air. The world is empty,
but there is you, moving and living in this still-life
of a house, all faded colors and discreet drafts.
She watches you sometimes, from afar,
a skittish, pale bird with broken wings.
She dares not breathe, for fear you will notice.
A whisper, and you turn. The doorway gapes empty,
as if it were the entrance of some deserted,
dangerous labyrinth. You cannot see her,
yet she is there, transparent and fragile. You thought
you heard her voice, her steps on the floor, but you are not sure.
She left, long ago; too late, she came back. Silent, she looks on.
There is the sun, setting, and there is you.
She can reach neither, so she watches and, sometimes,
to her lonely eyes, it seems like you shine too.
I just dug this one back from an old folder - dates from about three years ago. I liked it, so I figured I'd share and see what you lovely people thought about it.
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
The wya you word this and at times it seems like you're trying to control the reader too much. Where it's like yet this or but that. You know? It's just annoying and condractices what you've said before. like here:
Allll right there. It seems too controling and things, there are small hints of it in other areas like the second stanza and things. Mostly it's stuble, except for here.
You may want to reword it. Other than that, good job, I enjoyed it.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
Ello Jagged, shall we begin?
‘but there is you,’ sounds odd. I mean, I don’t think it’s completely wrong, but I think ‘but there you are’ might sound better. The same goes for your use of this phrase in the last stanza.
I love the format of this the best. It reminds me a little of a poem I taught to my high schools 8th grade class by Pablo Neruda. (I don’t read a lot of poetry though, so this could very well be a not so uncommon thing.) But the way the sentences flow is very natural and actually a bit soothing.
The oddest thing for me actually was the when you started talking about the bird, and how tense the bird was written to sound, made me feel physically tense for a moment.
So for that fact alone, I really like this but even that aside, I enjoyed this a lot!
Any questions, just PM me.
~lilymoore