Kyllorac said 'write a villanelle about pants'. I did. Ish.
Your jeans were as blue as the sky in October.
You brought me flowers, put them in my hair;
I wore them like a badge, like a banner.
You shoved me into the lake, burst into laughter,
so I pulled you down with me, as was only fair.
Your jeans were as blue as the sky in October;
the wind curled at our ankles, sneaked under
our clothes, which dripped a tiny song into the air.
I wore them like a badge, like a banner.
I said I was glad to know you, and told you later
that I thought that, as once poetically said Claire,
your jeans were as blue as the sky in October.
It was silly, perhaps, but true. You kissed me after,
said you loved my smiles, asked if I had one to spare;
I wore them like a badge, like a banner,
and of course I said yes I do and I remember
that every grin then was a promise, every look a dare.
Your jeans were as blue as the sky in October:
I wore them like a badge, like a banner.
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The punctuation in repeated lines can (and in this case, should) be modified.
This line struck me as a bit lengthy, which threw off the flow. Nixing the "perhaps" fixes it.
The second line, again, struck me as a touch lengthy. I also don't much like the repetition of "every"; using "each" is a good alternative.
There are a couple other places where the flow could be improved, but I'm trying to get out of the habit of nitpicking. XD I suggest reading this aloud since that's the easiest way to pick up on bumps in the flow.
Otherwise, you managed to weave the repetition seamlessly in, which was great. :D Also, I liked your imagery; it was simple, but vivid. Now, I could quibble and say that this villanelle wasn't about pants, but pants did play a large part in this poem, and I'm feeling generous today. :P In other words, this gets my seal of approval.
Hey,
I liked this, it had the sweet romance fluff feel. I burst out laughing when I read that he pushed her into the lake and then she pulled him down with her, because the EXACT SAME THING happened to me Friday, except it was a pool not a lake. Anyway, the only line I didn't get was the "As once poetically said by Claire". I don't understand, is this person a famous poet or something? I'm to lazy to check xD. I think that you could trim it down a little, because sometimes the rhythm is off because of too many words.
My favorite line? "You loved my smiles, asked if I had one to spare"
Overall, nice villanelle. I remember when we had to do those for the Writing Olympics 2010.
~Jasmine Bells
Hi,
I really enjoyed this. It's a lovely villanelle and the refrains work nicely. The first and last stanzas are particularly good, the rhythm is great and I love the imagery, especially throughout the first verse.
I'd take another look at stanzas three to five as the rhythm is a bit bumpy. I'd try reading them aloud so that you can get a better sense of the sound of the piece, for example "our clothes, which dripped a tiny song into the air." and "said you loved my smiles, asked if I had one to spare;" are a bit long, though I really love the second of those lines and would put it in reserve exactly as it is for a future piece.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Yay! Villanelles!
I had to write a villanelle in my creative writing class. I failed miserably.
Anyways, this is quite a lovely poem here! I like the imagery and the story is sweet and I just all around liked it. I couldn't find any grammatical errors.
The poem flowed pretty well and of course it made sense, but I did have a question about the line
"that I thought that, as once poetically said Claire"
I couldn't quite figure out what you meant by that. And aren't villanelles supposed to have ten syllables per line? I could be wrong...
Anyways, great poem! I really enjoyed reading it!
--Mcbeff