Again, I'm not much of a poet, I'll get back to writing stories soon. I wrote this, in fact, in order to inspire myself for an idea I've had lately. A big idea.
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139,638 Literary Works • 672,637 Reviews
Hi. First off, I really liked this poem. It was just interesting and had great language that was neither too simple nor too complex or abstract.
But there were a couple of things that I thought needed changing. In some places the poem flows really well but in others you include too many words in a sentence and it makes it sound clumsy and completely stops the rythm. The second stanza is an example of this. There are just too many syllables in the last line.
Also in the fourth stanza you end with "your legend still told". This is another example of your rhythm going wrong. Maybe you could change it to "Your tale still told".
Other than those little suggestions I can't say anything but good things about this poem because as I said, I really love the language and the subject matter. Also I think it is just the right length. I tend to feel disheartened when I see a really long poem with lots of stanzas because I just don't like people dragging on with as much description and plot as they can. Anyway this was really good. Keep writing. Thanks.
That's really why I dislike writing poetry. Especially rhyming. I've never cared for stanzas, truthfully, I just write. Thanks for your input ancientforever. I'll perhaps take this down and revise it back into my preferred narrative style. I clearly have no rhythm, haha.
Hallo! Here to review.
First stanza- you started out well, and I think I like the capitalisation of the first line, but I feel like you should move the comma from after "world" to after "brave", and then change the last couple of lines to something else. The last line feels like it was just tossed in there for the rhyme and really makes little to no sense in the context of the first stanza, especially since a conqueror would end lives more than he gave them.
Second stanza- no comma after "stand"; the comma there already sounds like it's an unnecessary and awkward pause, and the reader will wonder why. The last two lines sound very awkward and, again, like they've only been put there to please the rhyme scheme. What about your rhythm? You had a nice rhythm. Formidable, idiopath - words like that are "big" and "smart", but they fit better in prose than metered poetry.
Third stanza- no comma after "rose", comma after "tall" instead of full stop, no comma after "struck". There doesn't need to be punctuation on absolutely every line. I do like the message in this third stanza more than I liked the ones in the two before, but without the punctuation in its right place, it seems a little odd, strange, off. You stuck to your rhythm here and delivered your words as a poet should.
Fourth stanza- I'm not sure if there should be a comma after "oh", so I'll leave that. The last two lines sound awkward and forced, like you're trying to make them fit the rhythm but they still aren't. "Three thousand years and your legend's still told" might fit better, though it is longer. It has a more natural sentence-like flow to it than "Three thousand years, your legend still told."
Fifth stanza- I literally sat here and went "what" for a second. What what what what what qué? I don't really get this stanza. It feels like you put it here to lengthen your poem and serve some purpose, but that purpose isn't clear to the reader because it's so vague and... twisted. In my pedanticism, though, I would have to say that you might want to change the full stop after "case" to a semicolon to keep the stanza flowing instead of ending halfway through. Perhaps also change "the" in the last line to "those" to make it something more of a sentence than a simple statement, and to create a subject-verb-etc. agreement between the lines as a whole.
Sixth stanza - you destroyed. Everything. I'm not the best person to say this, more of a hypocrite when I do, but I liked the rhythm and rhyme, though half of it seemed there for the sake of the rhythm and rhyme and not for the sake of the poetry. I don't really like the choppiness or the word choice in this stanza, but...
Seventh stanza- I like this one the best. Even arrhythmic and rhymeless as it is, these words are beautiful. Now why couldn't you have used these throughout the rest of the poem? I might say that the semicolon after "sleep" ought to be a comma - it would make more sense - but that's really all I have to say for that.
I like the poem. A bit. I don't Like it, but I like it. I think it could definitely use some work to bring out any message there might be in it, for the clarity towards the reader, for the punctuation, but overall, it's nice.