Incendium

by JCK

  • Poetry
  • Narrative

Published November 23, 2011

In The Archicogium Collection

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Spoiler! :
I should really collect these poems I write and label them as a collective something, the majority of them including this one are written in under five minutes and in a spur of the moment style. But, I think that produces the best work, sometimes. Not sure I like this one so much, though.

I laughed at the irony, one creating one's own destruction.
I laughed at the hope, mankind had been here once before.
I laughed at the smiles, the smiles that had masked so much fear.
I laughed at the promise of salvation, an iron curtain closed in a land of fire.
I laughed at the leader of us men, when he tried to comfort us.
I laughed at the religious, who thought they'd known it was coming.
I laughed at the man, smart enough to design it, but stupid enough to make it.
I laughed at the sorrow on the faces of those who laughed with me.
I laughed until I was blind.
I laughed until I was scorched.
I laughed at the screams of humanity.
And then I screamed with them.


Spoiler! :
Yes, I made up the word Incendium, just like I've made up some of my other title-words.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Kamas
Review
Kamas wrote a review Review · Nov 27, 2011

Hi JCK,

sorry I didn't get to this sooner.

the repetition of this poem does have the effect you want it to have. It should have made a lasting impact on your last line because of the sudden switch of words and connotation, but it didn't. The lines in themselves are too weak and sap out all the potential impact from the repetition. You have a couple others that are stronger then this from what I've skimmed.

Suggestion to make the impact you needed:

I laughed at the irony, one creating one's own destruction.
I laughed at the hope, mankind had been here once before.


Note that there's no sense of flow whatsoever. It's choppy and the idea ends at the period as does the flow, there's no sense of continuous flowing of words. The content doesn't have to be related but you have to transition it. It's like filling a glass with water from the tap, leave the tap open until it's full - don't turn it off every couple of increments of the glass. What's the point in doing so? You have to hook your reader and not stop-start, because that's the easiest way to lose their attention. So make some transitions if you want to use this kind of unsubtle repetition.

Another suggestion would be to use repetition differently. Repeating the same start of a sentence 10x and then have a different start for the 12th is amateur and of course it has poetic qualities due to the sounds - that's because it's constantly the same sound. Expand your ideas and use the repetition with sounds or specific words or sentence structure, as a reader I don't enjoy having "I laughed" spat in my ear over and over.

To maintain a rambling sort of tone with this specific poem - I suggest the former. But do make those transitions, this is unbearably dull to read otherwise.

Best of luck,

Kamas

User avatar
StoryWeaver13
Review
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review Review · Nov 23, 2011

I should really collect these poems I write and label them as a collective something, the majority of them including this one are written in under five minutes and in a spur of the moment style. But, I think that produces the best work, sometimes. Not sure I like this one so much, though. Make an anthology! Very good for organizing collective "eras" of works.


First off, I like the word incendium. But what does it mean? It would've been nice if it was actually in the poem so we could get a gyst of its definition. But anyway, the poem was pretty good. I'm not a fan of repetitive stuff like this, but you get credit for the fact that I wasn't too bothered by that in this case. All in all, a solid poem.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

User avatar
Ardor
Review
Ardor wrote a review Review · Nov 23, 2011

Sounds interesting....but what does Incendium mean? I know it is made up, but could you explain the meaning in a PM for me? The poem is very layered and realistic. It is a bit weird that a realistic poem has a made-up name for it's title. Think about that. It is good, but does it fit in with the theme of the poem? I can sense abandonment. It is almost like this is about The Holocaust. It probably isn't, but I can just imagine it. This is harsh and brutal yet so honest and beautiful. Either that or the end of the world. Loved the content- just needs a more appropriate title. Even if it is made-up, it still needs to relate to the context. Overall, fab-u-lous!



Positive anything is better than negative nothing.
— Elbert Hubbard