A mountain shines under the moon,
It makes the trees and bushes swoon.
In its foothills a lone man wanders,
"Where to now", the mountain ponders.
.
Up in the clouds the mountain sees,
Where he moves among the trees.
Slow and majestic are its thoughts,
They know his secret hiding spots.
.
He used to come here as a boy,
But, back then he came with joy.
Now with the passing of the seasons,
He's started coming for different reasons.
.
Late in the night when his heart started to ache,
Here he would come, where no one's awake.
Amongst the boulders and quiet streams,
Here he and the mountain find peace in their dreams.
.
That man found comfort here through the years,
Somehow the mountain would help quell his tears.
And even on that man's last dying day,
He knew he, in it's foothills for all time would stay.
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hey there, incohesivescribbles!
I really enjoyed reading this poem. I usually do not enjoy rhyming poetry, but you managed to stay away from forced rhymes and kept the focus on the characters without drawing too much attention to the form.
You did a good job in keeping the timeline small. While many poems like this would start in chronological order, I like how you allowed the poem to take place in one small moment, allowing flashbacks and looking forward from the mountain.
That being said, I do have some small criticisms for you to consider.
You use punctuation at the end of every line, but I wouldn't necessarily pause at the end of every line. Poetry is supposed to be read straight through, regardless of rhyme scheme, and your commas sometimes mess up the mad flow you've got going on. For example, I wouldn't pause here if you hadn't put a comma and I was reading straight through:
I suggest punctuating it as if it was prose, and not poetry. I think it would make a great difference.
The mountain is asking a question, so that needs a question mark. Punctuation goes inside the quotations when someone is speaking or thinking. So it should be this:
On YWS, to make things single spaced, all you have to do is hold shift when you press enter to create a new line. Then, when you want a break in between the stanzas, don't hold shift. That will get rid of those awkward periods between your stanzas.
This line is my favorite because it's so cute. I can just imagine a little bush going, "oh, that mountain!" blushing, and fainting. So cute.
I enjoyed reading this poem, and I hope that you find this review useful to you! Happy poeting!
Hey, IncohesiveScribbles! I liked this poem. You did a great job with your rhyme pattern throughout the poem. Sometimes there can be a "stretch" word or line, but you were able to make a pretty solid poem while maintaining the pattern.
I'm glad you also tried to play around with syllable count. It's a great way to expand your skills and you didn't do as great of a job with that as you did rhyme scheme, but still very nice. I actually read this out loud and it flowed well except for a few parts. In particular, the 3rd stanza and the final stanza. I see throughout the poem you stay in the same general area syllable count wise, but the last line really sticks out; "He knew he, in it's foothills for all time would stay". The last line is, in comparison to the rest of the poem, too long and wordy. It sounds a bit awkward aloud. The final line should resonate an ending to the reader, but when said aloud, this line sounds lengthy in comparison to the rest of the lines. It's cool that the syllable count expands over time, but by the end, it does sound off. It just doesn't give the reader a sense of closure.
Overall, nice job. You experimented well with syllable count, but there is always room for improvement on it. Try reading your work aloud, too, it can help you identify when lines may have too many or little syllables. Keep on writing, my friend, this was a good poem!
Hi! Shine here to review your awesome piece of literature. Firstly, I really enjoyed this poem. It was very clear as to what your whole point was, and I find it absolutely beautiful how well you stuck along with your rhythmical pattern. I honestly have gone through the stanzas several times and I cannot find a single thing that stuck out. Your flow is great, though I had one minor issue:
"He used to come here as a boy,
But, back then he came with joy."
For some reason, I dislike how it sounds as though it's ending so abruptly. As in, the last line. If you were to word it differently, perhaps not change the exact meaning you had in it, then it would flow better. Though, I still think it works, in a sort. It's up to you whether or not you change anything about it.
That's actually the only problem I had with this. The poem reminds me of the short story, The Giving Tree, and that's a good thing because it's not perceived as the same point as The Giving Tree did. Anyways, I'll continue:
"Amongst the boulders and quiet streams,
Here he and the mountain find peace in their dreams."
I'd have the say that this stanza was my most favorite out of all. I enjoyed how you used 'their', as though the mountain and the man were of no difference.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope to see more from you soon, so keep up the good work!