Hey there, incohesivescribbles!
I really enjoyed reading this poem. I usually do not enjoy rhyming poetry, but you managed to stay away from forced rhymes and kept the focus on the characters without drawing too much attention to the form.
You did a good job in keeping the timeline small. While many poems like this would start in chronological order, I like how you allowed the poem to take place in one small moment, allowing flashbacks and looking forward from the mountain.
That being said, I do have some small criticisms for you to consider.
You use punctuation at the end of every line, but I wouldn't necessarily pause at the end of every line. Poetry is supposed to be read straight through, regardless of rhyme scheme, and your commas sometimes mess up the mad flow you've got going on. For example, I wouldn't pause here if you hadn't put a comma and I was reading straight through:
Up in the clouds the mountain sees,
I suggest punctuating it as if it was prose, and not poetry. I think it would make a great difference.
The mountain is asking a question, so that needs a question mark. Punctuation goes inside the quotations when someone is speaking or thinking. So it should be this:"Where to now", the mountain ponders.
"Where to now?" the mountain ponders.
On YWS, to make things single spaced, all you have to do is hold shift when you press enter to create a new line. Then, when you want a break in between the stanzas, don't hold shift. That will get rid of those awkward periods between your stanzas.
This line is my favorite because it's so cute. I can just imagine a little bush going, "oh, that mountain!" blushing, and fainting. So cute.It makes the trees and bushes swoon.
I enjoyed reading this poem, and I hope that you find this review useful to you! Happy poeting!
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