Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
129,077 Literary Works • 671,501 Reviews
w00t!
I'm waiting for the results of Lena's date. This should be interesting... XD
Alex is slightly not as bad. And poor Sunshine! She tries so hard and yet she still fails!
Oh well!
The next one!
I think James and Luke are trying to prove Lena right with that last scene.
lol.
Another great episode. I'm actually kind of surprised Michael asked her out after he realized he'd been tricked.... And Alex? Wow, what's with him? Who'd have thought he'd 1. be considerate and 2. know how to dress up a girl or that Lena would let him.
Thanks for the laugh.. Looking forward to the next episode...
~Rea
James and Luke are so awesome! Their lines and their behavior towards each other is just fun all the time. Besides that, Lena is adorable. I think I love her. Now I wish hands could come out of my boobs so that I could strangle a few people. That. Would be. Incredible. And the fact that she asked Sunshine to help her with it just made it even more funny. I didn't expect Alex of all people to help her though. There's more to his character than I thought before. He was actually very caring and I'm starting to like him. Especially if he helps my Lena. And okay, Sunshine doesn't love him? I sort of saw that before but...you'd think she wouldn't actually say that aloud. I was shocked and wanted to put my hand over her mouth before the words come out. How dare she say that she doesn't love Alex when he's been so cute lately! *sigh*
let's not consider this a "bribe".
Besides that. Candace, I don't know, at first I saw her as sort of an older woman, just by her personality type. But I guess that's just because Luke and James aren't the most mature people in the world and anyone could seem older next to them when they're together. How they were fighting over her was cool, because I didn't see any of them ending up with her. *thumbs up* Oh, and back to Lena. I can picture her character, Ann's character, James and Luke's character, more than anyone else. They feel very familiar to me for some reason. Just thought I should say that.
Now Sunshine, she can actually draw right? Because I remember thinking that there might be some drama and that she was just lying about who she was to be there. She's kind of out there, so I guess that would sort of enter her logic. I hope she is a real artist though...for her sake. I love Sunshine, she reminds me of my mother. Other than that, Lena lied! So...I'm worried about her getting into trouble or something and her being all deppressed or even losing her job. And that would be simply terrible. Then Ann, when she went to the house I sort of felt that she was too...Ann. You know? Like she should have been more fake in front of people to get what she wants. But, maybe she's just tired of shit and can't hold it in. Which is cool also. Then, the ending. James and Luke. I don't even remember how the conversation changed from girls to a cannibalistic movie...but that was awesome. XD There was that moment of, wow how did that happen? They never cease to surprise me.
Anyways, obviously I loved it! I can't wait to read the next! *gives you more cookies*
~Rieda
JAMES
Crazy, maybe, but at least their specialty isn't blue-jobs.
Guys never flocked to me in high school, and I didn't hang out with them in college to know. [Maybe this was supposed to be '...college enough to know' or '...college you know' or something, only it sounds a little awkward, as if it's missing a word.]
Sunshine shakes her head and pulls away from [him].
ANN (CONT'D)
Well, you two enjoy wherever you are…for each other, and make sure you kiss Harvey's ass when you see him. We can't deal with a shit-storm right now.
_______________________
This was a great chapter and I really do like that you're showing deeper sides of the characters and building relationships between those of the groups who didn't get on so well previously.
I think that the meeting with Ann could have been better. Jeremy seems to be slightly intimidated by her in most of their scenes and I'd like Luke and James to at least start by being more polite and willing to help her. They know from Jeremy how precarious their position with the rent is so maybe have them try to make a good impression.
Also, I think Ann needs to react more when she finds out that Michael and Lena have a date arranged. She should maybe mention how that means Michael probably wont stand witness if the date goes well or she could arrange a time to meet with Lena under the pretence of getting to know the rest of the group and then you could have a scene later on where she asks Lena to make sure he wont be a witness against them or something.
Overall, a brilliant chapter!
Wow! This was fast! Many, many kudos for your speed and quality with this one.
Interesting line for Alex... But it needs a comma. And those were the only typos I caught.
XD Funny as always, Brad.
Comedy aside, though…
I’m so glad we finally got to see Alex as not-such-an-idiot, and Sunshine as not-such-an-airhead. And Lena finally go a while without making a crack on Luke and James, not that it’s a bad thing when she does. In fact, idiot-Alex and airhead-Sunshine aren’t bad, either. They’re actually very funny and keep the story rolling forward. I just like it when characters are more than one thing. Interesting situation to put Lena in, by the way. Can’t wait to see how it’ll turn out.
And Ann’s awesome. The whole Harvey scene was hilarious. Sunshine’s sudden agreement is now explained. Nicely done.
Awesome job, Brad.
Okay, so. This episode was very deftly put together--all of these little nothing subplots came together and it was beyond amazing.
The one person I had a problem with, though, was Ann.
You're from Texas. I'm assuming you've been to a good old-fashioned hick melodrama--you know, where you boo at the villains and throw things at them, but secretly love just how twisted they are? That's the kind of relationship you want to have between your viewers/readers and your more sinister characters in any kind of story. We should be afraid of her, and maybe pity her a little, but it shouldn't be, "Oh, God, not Ann again!"
Granted, she's not a bad character. But I love the other characters so much more that when you put her in the picture it's kind of...uhm, yes, and why is she here? Lena, bitchslap her! And so forth. It's not at critical point yet, but in the next few characters you're going to want to work on making Ann a more interesting, critical character. I'm not exactly certain how the others react to her--she's definitely in charge, but I detect no sense of fear or loathing or anything coming from them. Luke/James/Lena/Sunshine/Alex's reactions are what we're going to base ours off of, so make them good.
Basically, I adore this. *tips hat*
Hehe. Well now, a faster read than the others, but no worse. Alex was surprisingly non-sucky, it was lovely of him to help Lena. ^^
Favourite bit:
JAMES
I just didn't want you to feel left out! You know I'm here for you, brah!
Luke gapes.
LUKE
You mean you're not there for me?
James gapes back at him.
JAMES
I can't be everywhere!
You're doing well, it all connects nicely and we're getting flow of narrative between the scenes, it's nice to see it coming in a full connected series.
Now, I demand the next one now. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.