Young Writers Society

Hi Icon! I just need to say, your method of drafting rhymed&metered poetry is so relatable and I love it

Anyway, onto a review!

I want to take a look at your meter first, since a big element of this poem is the meter. I know it's very difficult to execute perfectly and honestly throughout most of your poem it's really well done, however there are some parts that could use some tweaking. First, I'm going to assume that your intended meter is weak-STRONG weak-STRONG weak-STRONG weak-STRONG, going off the first several lines:

i GAZE upON this BARren SPACE,
a MUDdled SENSE of TIME and PLACE.

It's super consistent throughout almost all of your first stanza, and gives it an awesome flow - I especially love the first two lines, as you incorporate great rhythm, great rhyming, and some nice imagery/descriptive language as well. However there are two lines that break the rhythm a bit and feel kind of awkward as a result:

MOCKing THAT fa-MIL-iar FALL

&

a NEW ad-DIT-ion to PAST'S shrine.

I think the first line has a fairly simple and subtle solution, which would just be to add "Is" to the start ("is MOCKing"). As for the second line I quoted, it is possible to say it in a way that forces the rhythm, but I don't think it's the most natural way to say it - I'd suggest playing around with that line a bit and see if you can make it feel smoother, but it's definitely not a huge thing.

The rhythm goes a bit awry in the second stanza - for the most part, you switch to STRONG-weak STRONG-weak STRONG-weak STRONG. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially if you're consistent inside of each stanza, but I just wanted to point it out in case you weren't aware of this switch. It definitely works super well in these three lines:

Shining in through western north.

Dappled lighting, speckled leaves,

Staring up at tawny eaves.

And the descriptions you've got here are absolutely lovely.
But, one line that really doesn't seem to fit any of your rhythm schemes:

a hab-IT-u-al SENSE of WARMTH

I honestly just don't think you can use the word "habitual" here, as it has a weird syllabic emphasis with two weak beats in a row. I can't think of a great alternative off the top of my head, but something like "MEM-o-RIES of COZ-y WARMTH" might work.
And there are two other places I want to look at that do have a good flow on their own, but not in the context of the poem. First:

Clearer mind and warmer feelings,

Images no longer reeling.

Both of these have an extra syllable (the "ing" at the end). I'd suggest changing the last word of each line out for something like heart/dart or soul/roll, to get rid of that extra syllable - but totally up to you.
And second:

an EMPty CANvas, SOLid PAINT,

and i FOUND mySELF in BOX(es).

The first line switches back to your original (first stanza) rhythm, which is fine, but I think it'd make more sense - and make the meter switch feel more deliberate - if you keep it in the new meter. You could just take off "an" from the beginning, if you're okay with not treating articles as necessary -> which in poetry, can be an artistic/poetic choice.
In the second line, taking off the first word ("and") would give you the first-stanza meter, but I'm not sure if there's an easy way to turn it into second-stanza meter. If you don't care too much about it, I'd at very least suggest keeping the first line as is and taking off the first word of the second line (and swapping out the comma for a semicolon, 'cause grammar), so it'd look like this:

An empty canvas, solid paint;

I found myself In Boxes.

this way, at very least these two lines would match each other. However if you do want to keep all of stanza two in the same meter, I'd recommend playing around with that last line (and taking off the first word, "an", of the previous line) to see what you can come up with!

Ack okay that was a lot about meter. Whoopsies. Hopefully that all makes sense and is helpful and is actually feedback you're looking for - if you honestly don't care too much about the meter, (which is totally reasonable), sorry for spending such a large part of the review on it, and no pressure to make the changes I suggested!

Let's take a quick look at some other stuff, shall we, so this entire review isn't just about one thing

Punctuation ~
This is 100% stylistic, so if you like the punctuation as is, that's a-okay. I'd just like to suggest you experiment a bit with some of the punctuation though, to see if you like how it changes the flow of the poem and honestly just the aesthetics as well. You could try out dashes instead of commas in a couple of places, maybe semi-colons instead of periods, stuff like that!

Rhyming ~
I've got to say, your rhyming scheme is *chef's kiss*
I actually really really like that the second-to-last line of each stanza doesn't rhyme -> it creates a sense of importance, if that makes sense? And it doesn't feel like the rhyme is missing, especially because of the presence of meter.

Okay speaking of meter I have one last thing to say about it. (I swear it's the last thing, eeeee!) I liked that you had an extra syllable in the last line of each stanza (the "es" of BOX-es) as it gives those lines a feeling of being different/more thoughtful/more final.

Imagery/language ~
It's awesome that you don't let the rhyming or meter control the poem, in that you still make sure there's some lovely imagery to the poem. One of my favourite lines is this one -

Not with her clocks, or to her sands,

It's an interesting, unique, and kind of abstract way of talking about time and I really like it!
I also like that you don't use too many generic/weak words, instead using stronger ones.
i.e.,
"Gaze" > "look"
"Embellished" > "fancy"
"Reeling" > "spinning"
My only suggestion for this would be to change out words like "shining" and "warmer" for more specific ones. For example, "gliding in through western north" or "clearer mind and rosy feelings". But this is mostly up to your taste and style!

Overall, this is a really nice poem and I enjoyed reading it! Your rhyming and meter add a great sense of flow (save for a few very small places) and your imagery and language create a vivid picture in my head.

I hope this review is helpful, and if anything I said isn't clear/you have any questions, feel free to ask for clarification!

Keep writing <3

whatcha