Heels planted in the sand,
Caged between both sea and land.
Sound escaping, shrill and clear,
Far and wide, for none to hear.
Water bullets, gunshot thunder,
Yanking, dragging, now deep under.
Fear and sorrow, maddening pain,
Shrieking, shouting at the rain.
Sound now hoarse with teary eyes,
Both held fixed on bleak grey skies.
Languid, slumped onto both knees,
Wailing into stormy seas.
None to lose yet all to gain,
Screaming, crying at the rain.
Calling out to no avail,
Icy daggers, thin and frail.
Suffocating in ennui,
Shrouded, clouded, failed to see.
Capitulating, all but plain.
Giving in to blackened rain.
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hi there Alpaca! I saw that you wanted reviews on this poem in the Gryffindor forum.
I agree with Elinor-- I really enjoy the meter that you created in this piece. It is very rainlike, and it goes along with the subject well.
To be honest, though, I feel less like the narrator is shouting at the rain, and more like they are shouting at me, the reader. There isn't anything that invites a reader into this gently. It feels like an unrelentingly negative diary entry dressed up all pretty in a metaphor. I feel like what this poem needs is a layer of distance. I know you've got a great meter here, and it feels good, but language-wise, it was a lot of emotion with no filter. It's raw, and needs to be polished to really shine. How does one add a layer of distance? Instead of all these internal feelings, make a character separate from the narrator of the poem. A lone figure on a beach crying to the rain. Let us see the storm, instead of abandoning us in the middle of it. To me, this poem feels like you're having a nice chat with someone that you don't know very well, and then they burst into tears. I don't know about you, but I would certainly feel overwhelmed if something like that were to happen to me.
I do enjoy the imagery that you use. You keep to the motif very well. I might even like to see some more beach or sea imagery. I know it's focused on the rain, but let us taste the salty air and smell low tide. Will the waves come and knock over the character, really kicking them while they're down? Instead of a single moment, a single scream, I'd like to see a progression in this poem. What brought this character to this beach in a storm? I feel like a story could be made here in poetic format.
Altogether, I appreciate your meter and imagery, but I need fewer grounds in my coffee, so I think you should put a filter in that thing. I hope that this proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Hi IconspicuoslyAlpacaing!
I hope you've had an amazing day filled with magic so far. My name is Elinor, and I'm representing the noble house of Slytherin on this review day to review your poem. I also see that you're new to YWS! In which case, welcome! I hope you're finding everything to your liking thus far.
I really enjoyed reading this poem. Rhyme schemes are difficult to pull up, and you manage to make it seem natural and not at all forced. I also loved the rhythm of this poem. Reading it out loud, it made me feel like I was listening to the pitter patter of rain against my window. (Though it just did rain hard here the other day, so maybe I'm just thinking of that.
I also like that it's a simple poem about the rain. I don't have much to critique because I thought that overall you did a great job. However, I wonder if there was a missed opportunity to paint a picture of the different levels of rain. Obviously, a drizzle is different from a full on thunderstorm. And while you mention thunder briefly, I wonder if you could take us on a journey. Maybe something starts a drizzle then thunders or vice versa. Just a thought, I don't want to write your poem for you. But I think giving it some structure and a perspective on top the rhythm you already have might be an interesting idea.
I hope this helps! Keep writing and slither on!
All the best,
Elinor
I totally see what you're saying here! If ever I use a rain scene or metaphor again, I'll be sure to consider the levels of rain as I'm writing, but in this specific poem, I wanted to focus on the levels of distress, and how this character's resolve is slowly being weakened by their negative emotions and thoughts, or the "rain." But like I said, I'll be sure to consider this critique next time I use rain in my poetry. Thanks for the review
Hello IconspicuoslyAlpacaing!
Stellarjay here for a quick review. This was a really nice poem, the way you wrote it makes me feel the pain that you are presenting in this poem. I feel like this wasn't just a poem about rain, it was a poem about pain and crying and hurting. I wouldn't change a thing about this poem. Good job and keep on writing!
-Stellarjay