This is the first poem in the semi-biographical book I'm compiling for (maybe) publication. This is about my trip to Florida with my family when I was five years old. A bit short and my first sort of "real life poetry" work, so reviews would be helpful, thanks.
Sand;
We've driven for hours—silent, sleepy, piled together like pebbles
In our tiny car. I'm sitting next to my brother, asleep, apparently so,
You two sit before us like king and queen on thrones.
The wheels spin and drag us there—off to sunny Florida.
It seems like years, like centuries to a little girl like me.
We pass by mountains, lakes, and forests,
And running, trampling deer.
We take back roads and Davy throws up in the rear.
You never stop, it seems, to wondering, miniscule me.
The beach looms ahead in my mind as I dream...
And suddenly we get there,
And white sand between my toes is all I see.
Bewildered and slightly drowsy,
I take the whole view in.
I can't understand yet,
I cannot comprehend,
That not all of it is beautiful
Or even a bit of grand.
Like the beach at Orlando,
Where my feet got caught in tar,
Or meeting my uncle
And learning he's nothing but a fallen star.
Florida's quite a sight for young eyes like mine,
Watching as the sky twinkles,
And tasting air that would later remind me of wine.
But, please, could someone tell me
Why it couldn't stay that way all night?
Why'd the sun have to come up and ruin it,
And leave my whimsical feelings up to spite?
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So... because I'm me, I'm going to say that I got bored.
I only read up tooo... *Scrolls down*
Somewhere on the minuscule line...
I have to say, instead of squinting my eyes trying to read your "minuscule" handwriting, reading the typed version is nicer.
I think because you kind of jumped off topic or something, I dunno. You were talking about your car ride to Florida and then you stopped... and that wasn't fun. You could have just wrapped up the poem and stopped it around there... perhaps, or maybe talked more about the car ride, but you jumped around, I think. Like I said, I only read up to a certain point.
But you can do better than this, I know. Hehehe. All and all, you're not a bad poet. I just think I don't like your style of poetry, because it's depressing, and too... wishy-washy-dark-drowning. Like... that's a constant theme for your poems. Even the happy ones you write aren't really happy.
I much prefer your story stuff to your poems.
And... this was also for calling my username petty. So now I'm going to attack your poems with critique and comments.
Today is "Review Day" after all.
Ciao.
Great in this piece it has a bit of emotion and a lot of creativity.
The flow this is a bit bumpy along te way but has hit all the right notes.
All and all Great work!
And keep writing!
-Dawn
I’m baaack my Radish! Here for review numero dos.
I really only have one little issue here and that is with pointing out that, although they aren’t the same, ‘sleepy’ and ‘asleep’ are very similar words and they’re so close that they sound repetitive.
This seems like a little more of an out-there thing to mention, but when I read the first line, all I could think was, “I bet the next line mentions trees.” But then you said ‘deer’ and I was like “WhaaAaaT?”
Another point to make about repetition is with these lines. You have “And” and then “And” beginning those first two lines and then the last three all start with “I.” It feels uncomfortable.
I just don’t understand the use of ‘of’ here.
But I like the story telling form of this poem and how it isn’t extremely bogged down in adjectives and flowing, purple prose. The description that you have here is basic and simple and it’s very enjoyable to read it.
Good job! On to your first chapter!
~lilymoore
Hello!
At times, this poem felt much too prose-like for me. That might be because I'm not such a fan of poems written in this style - I feel like they lose some of their impact, some of their meaning, when they go off on tangents and basically become prose with line breaks.
Some of the images you use work, and some don't. At the start, I loved the way you were describing the car journey. But, I felt like you could have gone into more depth with your language. For instance, the pebbles analogy was a lovely one, but it would have been even nicer if you then went on to describe the feeling of this, the feeling of being so closely packed together. In my opinion, that would give your poem more depth and meaning.
I wasn't a fan of the ending, really. I preferred the way you were writing before, to the way you suddenly went to talk about where you were. The poem was about a journey, and it's that part I enjoyed - I wasn't actually too bothered about the destination. Maybe instead of talking about the arrival, you could expand on the journey?
Hope this helps!
-Amy
Hi. Nice, descriptive poem you've got here. The imagery is great, but I feel like your sentence structure, especially in the beginning, is a bit choppy. Maybe try and vary your sentence lengths a bit more?
I love the lines after you meet your uncle. The feelings you convey there are excellent. Good endings are hard to do, but i think you've got it down. Keep writing.
Hiya! So, this poem was okay. It started out very nice, and I could almost feel like I was on one of those long, dreaded car rides. But then you got to this part:
and everything tumbled down hill. It stopped being an entertaining poem about a family car ride, and instead became a rant about how Florida isn't all that great. Nobody likes a rant. If you want the poem to be about how Florida isn't great, just make the whole poem about that. If you want it to be about a car ride, make the whole poem about that. And you alsohad several lines that need rewriting:
Well, you spelled minuscule wrong, for one thing. (hehe that was a spelling team word for me last year... anyway...) Also, the way you have this arranged, it seems like you're concerned that the car is never stopping to wonder. Which doesn't make sense. I get that you're saying that you're a curious child, but why not just say that?
This line needs rewording. It can't be "a bit of grand."
This makes no sense. Something can't be up to fight, and your feelings in this poem were never whimsical.
Okay! So overall, this poem needs work, but i shows promise. With some changes, it'll be good.
-Dreamy
I like the images in this poem (except for the image of Davy throwing up, haha,) but I feel like the body of it could have used more poetic language. It seems you have a series of images and feelings you want to get across in your mind but you're falling a bit short. Other than that, I like it quite a lot. However, I'm not a fan of the seemingly random rhyme scheme. It takes away from the poem in that every once in a while, while the reader is trying to concentrate on the poem, they find themselves skipping back because they just read "rear" and are now wondering "Hey, did I just read 'deer' at the end of the previous line? Was that on purpose?" and thus spend less time on the actual substance of the poem.
"...piled together like pebbles..."
Brilliant. Great image, and use of slant alliteration (I just made that up if it's not a real term already.)
"And tasting air that would later remind me of wine."
I like what you're trying to say here, but the rhythm is lacking.