Diana;
You sit in the corner, tittering quietly to friends,
One swooning maroon sleeve creeping down your sloping
Shoulder like a guilty confederate soldier.
I think I'm in love with you.
I sit by the ivory keys and drink,
Getting less sober in heart,
And more tipsy in mind.
My lips become deserts as I trace your contoured
Lines like liquored fire escapes.
Your blues flicker only to catch lingering spotlights.
Your corn cob feet rise to dance after a stint,
Knees wobbling like crooked chairs,
You fall into another's arms. Your fingers
Resemble those of King David's—
The irreverently feminine one,
The one I saw at Peabody Hall.
No one notices as pretty nymphs walk by.
My hands weave works of Plato on black and white,
Channeling Donatello brilliantly through
Bony appendages meant for baseball, or maybe
Tennis. I do not look up from the sheet music to see you,
Knowing perfectly well that you're passing by,
Heading a drink, whistling with the bar.
Stunning, you are. Dreaming, twirling, birdy—
You're always the same. Sunday glints to Tuesday,
Ruing Monday, which all gleeful folks skip indefinitely
In between. You wear that dress again,
The one I'd like to keep.
You're dangling from his arm in a sling,
Enjoying your cheap Ouzo,
Meaning less than a chipping broach;
Instilling no pity in me.
I merely exist on my own, wishing.
I coddle stories of romance in my mind,
Inject them in pieces of genius copied down
Year by year, artist to artist,
Loner by loner, me and me.
No one else. You're complete within yourself,
And I see where I need to be.
Your eyes begin a shameful waltz again,
Playing with the frightful tapestry on the wall.
Why can't you leave? You're far too attached here,
Clinging to shot glass and bar stool,
Cuddling up to anything but me.
It's pathetic: you're projecting,
And I love it. Have I said that already?
Can you hear Bernini whispering betwixt the minor lift,
The wavering fall of laughter?
You're giggling once more,
Covering fine lips of alabaster behind nails of purple lacquer.
You're unstoppable. I pause, taking heed.
You glance up in time to see me disappear behind wall of
Carbonate, legs of cotton,
Wills of unbreakable desire.
I can't say I'm too glad to get away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey there. I regret that it took me so long to get around to this, particularly after having read it. You have a wonderful poem here. I found it started off smoothly, was a little rocky in the middle somewhere but came together so perfectly at the end that I should have no complaint. Still. Here's a few comments that may be of use:
The rest of this stanza is so perfect. Brilliant imagery and great set up. Nicely done.These lines on their own are absolutely fantastic but all together, what do they really mean? This is where you start getting vague.
This line feels a tad out of place with the rest of the stanza. The next stanza is good, nothing to bring up there.
There's a little too much repetition and change of style in this stanza for my liking. It feels like it doesn't make much of a point or rather that its point could be made in two or three lines and doesn't deserve a full stanza. Too much of a move away from your lovely imagery.
Love the ending, particularly the last line. All in all, this is really well thrown together. I hope you find my comments/ suggestions helpful in some way. Feel free to pm with questions or further requests,
Heather xx
Heya Horseradish!
I'm here to review as requested.
In my opinion, this is a really good opening stanza.
You don't really need the comma I highlighted in red here.
I found this part kind of weird. Why would a guy want a girls dress? I understand that you're trying to say that he loves that dress on her, but this still stood out as rather strange to me. Maybe it's just me though...
Overall
I thought that this was seriously good! You varied your vocabulary very well and I love how you didn't just use simple words all of the time. Instead, you came up with more creative, quirky words to describe things. Another thing that I really liked about this were your descriptions, especially in the last stanza. I really loved the last stanza, by the way. The other descriptions that I very much liked were your descriptions of the girl, Diana. You created some vivid imagery of the narrator's surroundings, so well done for that. As for the flow of this poem, you also achieved to create an easy, comfortable flow in this. I couldn't find any lines that sounded at all awkward to me and each line flowed into each other very nicely. When it comes to your grammar, it was very good and so was your spelling.
My only critique for this is the fact that, at times, I kind of lost track of what you were saying. I think that another reviewer noted this actually. I think that because you're very descriptive, your vocabulary is wide and that you have a tendency to go on a bit.
I'm terrible at explaining things. When it comes to confusion about vocabulary, that's more of a personal problem. I have an awful range of vocabulary myself, so that explains why the vocabulary was confusing at times for me. When I said that you have a tendency to go on a bit, I meant that you tend to keep mentioning one subject for a long time. What would be better was if you got some really nice descriptions for a certain subject, but those descriptions only lasted a few lines, then you could change to another subject. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
I don't have much else to say... I seriously loved this! *Likes*
Keep writing,
xoxo Rhian
Thanks for reviewing a piece of mine, time to return the favor!
Anyway, this is a really great piece in my opinion. There was a lot of depth, and sometimes I think that it caused it to go a little over my head in the way that I occasionally lost understanding of what you were saying, but the lines I didn't understand were brought together by the following lines in a way that tied things together really well. I like this.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Wow! This poem is just beautiful! I love it!
Wow. This is an absolutely gorgeous poem. The language was lovely, especially fitting for the content of the piece. I thought you started it off very well; the simple statement of "Diana;" grabbed my attention. The following stanza was also superb:
"Like a guilty confederate soldier." That line is just...phenomenal. It's an excellent simile.
The line following it is also fantastic. The story is already set.
The following stanzas are beautiful. I like several of your lines especially, because of the imagery they place in my head.
These lines are not only original but vividly imaginative. The poem held my attention from the beginning to the end. And the last two stanzas:
The ending was resonant and beautiful; I like that you ended the piece with one line, the same way you began it.
Overall, a wonderful poem.
--Glim