He:
His nose,
A blonde bud of flesh,
Twinkled and twitched beneath his ebony eyebrows
As my heart went silent.
He said nothing,
Smirking with belittlement to himself over a flourish of cards.
His eyes,
The kind born from winter's congealed breath,
Meant nothing to me as I kept myself from
Smiling.
His lips curved and puffed
Like that of a stern child.
His fingers scrambling after a turn or two to
Take, grab, murder my heart--
And rebuild it,
Within the softest of innocent noise.
He meant nothing to me until he
Breathed, spoke, moved.
He meant nothing to me until he
Enveloped his arms around
Her.
He meant more to me then.
Much more.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hi,
This flows nicely and the ending is very effective. I like how the last two lines are a stanza in their own right.
I'd tone down the imagery in the first stanza as it is too consciously poetic and feels insincere. Forget twinkling and "ebony eyebrows". What do you see when you forget being poetic and just look really hard at the character?
"His lips curved and puffed
Like that of a stern child"
is less dressed up and more visual, and works much better as an image. I'd say "those" instead of "that", because "lips" is plural.
I'd cut references to the heart as it's cliche, and take something visual instead. What did he actually do and what did he look like and sound like and move like when he did it? What was the speaker's external response?
"Noise" should be plural but I don't think it really works here. Maybe try a soften word like "intentions" and carry on the "i" sound?
I'd change "meant nothing to me" because we've heard those words before. Can you say this in another way, preferably a visual way?
The last four lines are great.
Hope this helps,
Jas
I liked it... very descriptive. The end made everything so much better, though. Not that it was a happy ending, but it just kind of completed the piece, really made things make more sense and fall into place.
Don't have much critique, though.