Written by Brannon -----------
Listen, to a shadow story.
Not one you heard from me,
Rather, a whole different being.
One that covers you in nothing,
And stops you from ever seeing.
“Immortal,” some would say,
Faith left some believing.
Others left to wait,
Waiting for their first greeting.
-
So listen, to this shadow story.
As one having seen,
Never before such horrible things.
Now trapped eternally,
In the image of his eyes reflecting.
His eyes, endless black.
I realize, staring back,
That it’s immortal depths,
Are the darkness of my own life and death.
-
Now trapped eternally,
In his agony and suffering.
Truest regret of selfish jealousy.
-
I now cover you in nothing,
And do unto you as they did to me.
Suffer living a life,
Missing the heart’s beating.
-
The eternal search for peace,
Is another dead ending.
A cause no longer worth defending.
A hatred so strong, ever ascending.
-
A life without meaning,
Ended in such horrible means.
And when you thought you were dreaming,
You’ll never wake from such dreams.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hmm, this is is interesting. I liked my first read, and the title was pretty catchy too. Overall it's a good read.
Before I carry on, though, my apologies if my review comes off as too critical. I'm just trying to help you!
Starting off, the poem is - frankly - a bit vague. I read it repeatedly, but I wasn't satisfied with the meaning that I found. Maybe it's me.
The first stanza is okay, other than how it follows its own rules. There are a couple of others like that too; try to set a format so there's a kind of gradual process.
And there's no need for a comma after "Listen".
The first sentence needs to be worked on. I think there's an unnecessary comma again, and it could be rephrased. There's no rythym to the reader the way it is; you kinda fragmented the sentence!
" It's " is wrong; it should be "its". The difference is basically that " it's" stands for "it is." If a possessive quality is given, it becomes "its." Like, "its food tasted bland today."
I like your wording, but like I said, it comes off as a bit vague. Especially "Truest regret of selfish jealousy." I got the meaning, but it should be a little smoother.
Last two stanzas were brilliantly written. Well done.
That's it! I liked your poem, and look forward to seeing more. Once again, sorry if this was too critical!
-Lee
I have one thing to say as a summary to this poem. It gave me full... body.... chills!
The tone and the vocabulary paints a scene perfectly. They meaning and depth seems mysterious and spooky. It's a great work of art that gives you the perfect scenery of this entire masterpiece.
It's so incredibly meaningful and deep, it's hard for me to not believe you merely copied it from another writer, though I've seen some of your other works, and I'm convinced you are one of the best writers I've ever read from.
This is some incredible encouragement. Thank you very much for motivating me to write more. I've already got a few projects finished that I should probably post.
I'd love to read more from you!
I posted another poem, it's called Fountain of Sand, go check it out!
I'll do that now!