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Concrete Casket (Vol. 1)

by Hereticteen


I want nothing more than to bleed out.

But no matter how much I drag my wrists,

Concrete just won’t cut.

-

Skin scraped off,

Exposing raw flesh.

Anger forces me to saw away on the dull walls.

-

Rage builds inside of me,

My jaws clench tight,

Releasing only to scream.

-

I watch as muscle shreds away.

Where is the blood?

Where is the death?

-

I hope I bleed soon.

I only seek release,

From this concrete tomb.

-

My jaw locks so tight

that my gums begin to bleed.

I taste the blood.

-

Immediately I begin,

Pulling my teeth.

Ripping them out of my face.

-

Finally i’m bleeding,

The pain no longer stings.

I drag my sore bleeding gums down the concrete wall.

-

The pain becomes pleasure,

As death comes closer.

I feel my steady approach towards the end.

-

I wake up, 

Entombed in a dark concrete casket, 

Suffocating on my own death. 


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Random avatar

Points: 24
Reviews: 42

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Sat Dec 07, 2019 5:30 pm
brookeallo wrote a review...



This is like a poem I would except from like Poe. It's really good but there were a few parts that could be rephrased. In the lines,

"My jaw locks so tight

that my gums begin to bleed."

I'm not sure how that works like if you can lock your hard enough for your gums to bleed. In the lines,

"Pulling my teeth.

Ripping them out of my face."

You could change face to mouth and it might make more sense I get what you were going for though. In the next few lines you write finally i'm bleeding but like you were already bleeding before so. I loved the ending especially the last line was really powerful. The poem was great and I like the darkness to it.




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12 Reviews


Points: 957
Reviews: 12

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Fri Dec 06, 2019 6:23 pm
Softballgirl333 wrote a review...



Hello Hereticteen!

I am not trying to be rude or "picky" in my reviews, but I am only trying to help you out and suggest things to help out your writing. That being said, you can take my suggestions or not, but I hope this is helpful! ^^

Suggestions

Hereticteen wrote: I want nothing more than to bleed out.

But no matter how much I drag my wrists,

Concrete just won’t cut.


I would look over your punctuation here, you divide the sentence up when you don't need too. My suggestion would to be end the first line as a comma, or take out the "But" of the second line. Both ways would work, but you either need to make it one cohesive sentence or two separate ones. As of now it just feelings like one sentence that is grammatically wrong.

Hereticteen wrote: Skin scraped off,

Exposing raw flesh.

Anger forces me to saw away on the dull walls.


The first two lines of this stanza are fantastic, but the third one is where I feel lost. It feels like you jumped places, or maybe those are just the wrong words, but you lose me. What are the dull walls? I thought you were scraping away are your skin, but now your anger is targeted to the walls? You could divide this up into two separate stanzas or just clarify your final line. The description and imagery of the first two are really great though.

Hereticteen wrote:My jaw locks so tight

that my gums begin to bleed.

I taste the blood.


The first two lines of this stanza are very nice, but I feel like the last line feels very anti-climatic. I get that is supposed to be a big moment, but it doesn't feel like one. I feel like you could end this stanza different, and maybe even add a stanza about how the person knew it was blood. I am unsure but just in general this feels like it should be a big moment, and it is not.

Hereticteen wrote:I wake up,

Entombed in a dark concrete casket,

Suffocating on my own death.


This stanza doesn't make sense to me. Throghout the rest of this story, it is portrayed that this person is awake, that they are biting their gums, pulling their teeth, etc, etc. Now you say they wake up? Were they asleep? Was this a dream? The last two lines of the stanza are fine, but I think the "I wake up." portrays the incorrect message.


Overall

Ultimately, I really enjoyed reading this poem. It has a good story and a good plot line, I just get lost sometimes in your writing. I love how you portrayed the emotions of the narrator of this poem, that was well done. I hope this review was helpful.

Happy Writing,
SBG





[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] RavenLord: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— RavenLord