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My Father's Ring (First Draft)

by Hereticteen


My Father’s Ring

Brannon -----------

-

My mother left sometime in the first couple of years after my birth, leaving my father to take care of me alone. My father had always dreamt of having a family. A wife, a son... a home. When my mother left it destroyed him. He alone had to take care of me, and he became extremely stressed, exhausted, and depressed. He had searched for another wife but he saw my mother as his one true love and couldn’t trust some stranger to take care of me.

-

I was too young to remember when my mother left, and the only image I had of her was from a picture which rested, framed, on a coffee table in the living room. I do, however, remember what my father looked like. He was well kept, clean shaven. Always dressed either in business-casual for his work or in a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans. No matter how he dressed, he always wore a plain silver ring on his left hand. I never saw him not wear the ring, I think it was the ring he had gotten from my mother when they were “in love”. Most people described my father as “solid”. Always very quiet, kept to himself, and well-calculated; but I saw him fall apart several nights.

-

I remember that my father would tuck me into bed each and every night. Tell me he loved me, wish me a good night, then go and lay the needle down on one of his favorite records. The music emitted from his record player would help me go to sleep while my father sat in his chair, reading a book. Whenever I called for him, it was typical for him to be in my room and by my side seconds later. Rarely did he not hear me call for him, and on those nights, he had probably fallen asleep in his chair, book in hand.

-

One particular cold night, a storm raged outside my bedroom walls. I tried to focus on the music from my father’s record player but the pounding of rain on the ceiling and the crash of thunder that shook the house created the tune of complete chaos. None of the frequencies projected by the record sounded right, all of the notes were twisted out of tune and off balance. It sounded darker, eerie, discordant. 

-

One of the loud bangs of thunder seemed to have come from a certain direction; through the walls of the house as opposed to shaking the entire house evenly. Right as it happened I saw a flash of lightning just outside my window. I remember that the light had made it through the thick curtains. I was so on-edge that sleeping would be impossible, so I called for my father. “Dad!” I yelled. Minutes passed and nothing changed.

-

My door had not opened, the rain and thunder had not ceased, and my father had not come to comfort me. The record still turned outside my bedroom door, sending new, horrible notes throughout the house. “Dad-dy!” I cried again, this time much louder. A minute passed, and then the thunder ceased and the rain softened. The record played it’s last song before playing static. Then raising the needle resulting in near silence. The only sound left was the slow, gentle fall of rain tapping on the roof.

-

“Dad! I can’t sleep!” I was sure he heard me this time, but still, my door never opened and my father never came to comfort me. I decided to get up and look for him. I crawled out from under my covers and opened my bedroom door to find that all of the house lights were off, and my father wasn’t in his chair. I checked his bedroom, but it was black and silent. I noticed that the light was on in his bathroom, which shared a wall with my bedroom. I saw the light crawling out from under the door.

-

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. I knocked on the bathroom door. “Dad?” I tired the door handle. It was locked. I quickly ran to grab the key from the kitchen cupboards and inserted it into the small hole in the middle of the knob. This time I twisted the knob and it turned with ease. As the door began to swing open, I immediately noticed that the light had taken on a strange, orange tint. The bland, white walls had been painted with splashes and blots of red. A figure laid lifeless in the tub, clenching tightly onto a shotgun with it’s right hand. I looked at the left hand and saw the plain silver band on the ring finger. The white shirt he had worn was now completely soaked and stained in a dark shade of blood. Gore stuck to the wall behind him. Chunks of skull and brain that had been moved violently by the power of the blast from the shotgun barrel. Small holes made by tiny lead pellets...

-

I stood there, examining my father’s corpse in shock for hours, or at least, what felt like an eternity. In the sink I found a note. A torn piece of paper with "Elizabeth" scratched on it in crude pen marks. Next to the note I found the ring that my father had given her when they were planning their marriage.

-

I shoved the note in my pocket, and called the police. My father had always told me that if anything bad happened and he couldn’t help, call “9-1-1”. “What’s your emergency?” A lady on the other side of the phone asked, cool and collected. “My daddy killed himself.” I responded, my voice cracking but not a full sob. “Your daddy killed himself? Are you at home? Where’s your mommy?” I could hear skepticism in her voice, as if she thought I was some young kid trying to play a prank on the police. I suppose such a disturbing call would raise some suspicion when you live in such an uneventful little town.

-

“It’s just me and my daddy, but he won’t answer me. Daddy told me to call 9-1-1 if I was scared or alone and something bad happened.” She started to believe me after she realized it would be impossible for me to act like I was if something truly horrible never happened. “OK, sweetie. Stay on the phone, i’m sending some people over to your house that are gonna help you, okay? Just stay on the line and hold tight.”

-

The police showed up at my door and I led them to my father. Immediately after seeing the dead body they picked me up and carried me out of the house. I haven't sleep very well since that night, and nightmarish images of my fathers suicide still cloud my mind. Sometimes, when I walk into my bathroom at night, the light seems to take on a reddish hue, just as it did that night. I’ve also ran into the bathroom, switched the light on, and seen my father’s bloodied corpse laying in my bathtub for a split second.

-

My therapist tells me that the images stained into my mind are a result of trauma, but I can’t be sure that that’s true. Whenever I see them, they look incredibly real. Colors as life-like and vibrant as they were when it had first happened. My father’s mangled head displayed in gruesome detail; details that no young child’s mind could process and recreate. A shapeless head slumped on a shoulder with a limp neck. I am convinced my father follows me, and my father’s ring haunts me. 


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275 Reviews


Points: 15319
Reviews: 275

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Mon Nov 09, 2020 12:37 am
elysian wrote a review...



I apologize in advance as my reviewing and writing skills are very rusty, as an oldie making a comeback. Hopefully, I can still offer some constructive advice :-)

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

let's jump in!

I think the hook could be something different than telling us information. One of the best ways to grab the reader's attention is to start right in the action of things, and then as time goes on, reveal things about the main character through showing instead of telling as NastyMajesty mentioned below.

One particular cold night, a storm raged outside my bedroom walls.


I think it would be best to start here, and once again, really work on showing instead of telling. The good thing is you already know what is happening so now you just need to brainstorm other ways to show what you're saying rather than just telling the reader. Think about the five senses a lot, how you would be feeling internally in the main character's position.

I won't focus too much on grammar since it seems that the review before me has done that. Rather, I'll talk more about context. I feel this horror story definitely has potential, but it lacks suspense and detail. Try going back through it and adding a little more emotion, personal point of view, and overall length. It would help to have more of a story instead of an overview of events, really flesh it out for all its worth cause it's a solid start!

I hope this helps in some way, let me know if I can specify anything any further for you!

have a great day :-)

- del <3




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47 Reviews


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Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:56 pm
NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Oh boy! Hello there, NastyMajesty in for a review, nice to meetcha! Okay, so there's a couple of things I'd like to go over.
Grows
Alright, so the first two paragraphs were great, I love the little recap but sometimes it can be better to show and not tell. Try to show us this throughout the story, rather than telling. There's a great article on the show not tell detail on this right here: Show and Tell.

Also, the formatting for the paragraphs... in the backstory, they made sense since it was talking about things that happened in the past but the dashes can be a little confusing after that if you know what I mean lol.

The record played it’s last song before playing static. Then raising the needle resulting in near silence.

"It's" does not need an apostrophe since it's = it is. To show possession, it should be its. (I hope that wasn't confusing lol). Also, these two sentences can be a bit confusing. Perhaps try changing it to
The record played its last song before playing static, raising the needle resulting in near silence.
or something like that.
I never saw him not wear the ring,
Maybe say something like "I never saw him without the ring" instead.
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. I knocked on the bathroom door.
Since you already put down the "KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK" the reader already knows that she's knocked. Try one or the other.
I shoved the note in my pocket, and called the police.
You don't need a comma since you already have a conjunction in this sentence (and).
Sometimes, when I walk into my bathroom at night...
You don't need the comma after sometimes.
Immediately after seeing the dead body, they picked me up and carried me out of the house.
I recommend adding that comma there so the sentence flow is better.
“OK, sweetie. Stay on the phone, i’m sending some people over to your house that are gonna help you, okay?
Capitalize the "i" in "I'm"
Overall, I think you should do just a little bit of proofreading in terms of your punctuation and word usage ;). Grammarly helps to point out these small mistakes too if you'd like some extra help

Glows

Man oh man what a horror! I loved it!
As the door began to swing open, I immediately noticed that the light had taken on a strange, orange tint. The bland, white walls had been painted with splashes and blots of red. A figure laid lifeless in the tub, clenching tightly onto a shotgun with it’s right hand. I looked at the left hand and saw the plain silver band on the ring finger. The white shirt he had worn was now completely soaked and stained in a dark shade of blood. Gore stuck to the wall behind him. Chunks of skull and brain that had been moved violently by the power of the blast from the shotgun barrel. Small holes made by tiny lead pellets...
Amazing description here. I think I'm gonna have nightmares now because I could actually see him in my head 😂
Sometimes, when I walk into my bathroom at night, the light seems to take on a reddish hue, just as it did that night. I’ve also ran into the bathroom, switched the light on, and seen my father’s bloodied corpse laying in my bathtub for a split second.
OUCH. That's gotta be traumatic. Also, two quick questions:
1. How old is your narrator? (out of curiosity lol)
And 2.
A torn piece of paper with "Elizabeth" scratched on it in crude pen marks. Next to the note I found the ring that my father had given her when they were planning their marriage.
was this note intended for her mother that had left them or did he have a new girlfriend and get rejected?
Overall, a really good horror. Just needed a bit of polishing up! Keep writing!
:D





It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
— Mark Twain