Written by Brannon -----------
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I remember how entranced,
Mezmorized I was and am,
By the woman who offered me her hand.
I took hold and she led the dance.
Drowning in the sea of love,
We floated and swam.
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I saw in her eyes,
A spark so grand.
A beauty none other
Could understand.
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I saw in her lies,
A fountain of sand.
Betrayal was her ultimate plan,
But ignorant I was and am.
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She led me to the fountain,
Where she’d stop and stand.
Then grab my hair in her hand,
And force my head into the sand.
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Drowning in the sea of love,
That painful fountain of sand.
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Canary word: Present
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I think the metaphor of drowning in a "sea of love" is a strong premise, I think you need to dig into the specifics of the story line a bit more though to make the poem truly compelling - we see the betrayal, and then the love putting his head in sand - but I have not idea what the sand is a metaphor for here, so it makes it a bit difficult to discern the poem as a whole.
-> should be "mesmerized"Still solid premise, and you even have some rhyme throughout the piece to make the poem as a whole a bit more lyrical.
Two specific line critiques:
-> the piece reads as if the speaker is reflecting on past-tense so are they still ignorant? This made me a bit confused, though I like that they recognize their error.
Overall I just wanted a bit more as far as the specifics of the relationship, this poem could really work as a long epic! It kind of reminded me of ancient fables where people would get tricked into falling in love with a god or goddess who intended them harm.
Keep on writing!
- alliyah
Critique
.In your first stanza you say ''I remember how entranced,'' then in the secant stanza you say ''mezmorized I was and am''. Those two lines don't match up. Either add a how before the ''mezormized I was and am,'' or remove it all together.
.In your 11th stanza the narrator talks about the fact that she had ''beauty like noneother'' and then you say ''Cound understand.'' That doesn't make sense.
This was a neat poem, that I enjoyed reading.
Keep writing,
JazenKnight
I like it! The sand metaphor gives me a beautiful picture. I like how you painted a picture in our heads! It's overall a beautiful and meaningful poem. Also, I'm biased because I live in a beach area, so I might not be the best person to review this.
That was beautiful! I love how the words played out into the story-line of being betrayed. It's also one of the most relatable poems I've ever read, unfortunately.
The Fountain of Sand is a work of art that describes love and betrayal. Another great work of Brannon! How do you have so much inspiration for these poems? Each one is crafted so beautifully!