I think the metaphor of drowning in a "sea of love" is a strong premise, I think you need to dig into the specifics of the story line a bit more though to make the poem truly compelling - we see the betrayal, and then the love putting his head in sand - but I have not idea what the sand is a metaphor for here, so it makes it a bit difficult to discern the poem as a whole.
Still solid premise, and you even have some rhyme throughout the piece to make the poem as a whole a bit more lyrical.
Two specific line critiques:
-> should be "mesmerized"Mezmorized I was and am,
-> the piece reads as if the speaker is reflecting on past-tense so are they still ignorant? This made me a bit confused, though I like that they recognize their error.But ignorant I was and am.
Overall I just wanted a bit more as far as the specifics of the relationship, this poem could really work as a long epic! It kind of reminded me of ancient fables where people would get tricked into falling in love with a god or goddess who intended them harm.
Keep on writing!
- alliyah
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Reviews: 1228
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