Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Chapter Six
Nubia walks up to Simao, his head held high. He seems confident and after all, why shouldn't he be? The odious choice is for males is to stay with their pride unless they have the potential to kill the leader of their new pride within the year. I shutter at the thought of Simao being dead, just like my father. If only he hadn't tried to protect my mother so hard when the fight broke out.
Nubia now stands in front of Simao.
Simao smiles, "Nubia, son of Kira, you have joined us today to begin the next step in your life. You are cunning and agile. I assume you would make a very nice hunter if you where ever alone." I hear my mother ghasp and I also look at Simao in astonishment. Is he implying that Nubia is strong enough to take over a pride? Is he really saying that Nubia will become an outcast within the year?
"Nubia, which pride do you select?"
Nubia pauses for the briefest second but quickly recovers, "I select Dawn Pride!"
Simao nods with a grunt as Nubia let's out a roar and lays next to the other lions and lionesses who chose Dawn Pride.
Now it is my turn.
My legs are stiff but I force myself to stand up. The grass feels soft as I walk towards Simao. His eyes watch my every paw-step. Everyone watches my every paw-step. I hate all of the eyes watching and I wish I could shrink into my fur and hide.
But of course, I can't.
I have a choice to make and I can't get away from the watching eyes until after I make my selection.
I stand in front of Simao and look up, into his golden eyes and he begins, "Nadia, daughter of Kira, you have joined us here today to begin the next step in your life. You are fast and determined and for that, you will make a magnificent striker one day." Just out of the corner of my eyes I see Amina nod and again I wonder, is the pride I've chosen correct? What if I really would make a wonderful striker in Dawn Pride?
"Nadia, which pride do you select?"
I pause for a moment and in that moment I see my life flash in front of me if I stay in Dawn Pride, my mother never realizing that I'm an adult, even when I have cubs. Corin leaving me to fend for myself and finally, Nix or Nubia taking over Dawn Pride.
I glance from Corin to Nubia, Amina and finally my mother. She watches me intensely and I can see her tail flicking nervously. She won't approve of my selection but it's a choice I must make for myself. No one can stop me.
"I choose Twilight Pride!"
My voice rings out strong and proud across the Selection Rite territory. Everyone is silent with shock as I start walking to Twilight Pride territory. As far as I know, the only lions and lionesses in Twilight Pride are all related because they never get any new lions or lionesses to join them. I wonder-
Pain breaks through my thoughts and I quickly jump out of the way, giving a small roar of pain. Nubia glares at me, his face less than a centimeter away from mine and the smell of blood on his claws.
My blood on his claws.
He growls and let's out a snarl, "I can't believe you would abandon your pride like that, Nadia!" His voice is low and dangerous as he continues, "Why would you just abandon me like this?"
I try to back away but he just comes closer, "Why would you abandon our mother like this?"
He's too close.
He could kill me in seconds.
"Your just like him Nadia, you know that? Just go and leave whenever you want to and it will be fine. It won't affect the other lions around you. It's not like Amina had plans to make you her trainee. Not like mother had been planning to give you fighting lessons after this. And of course, it's not like me, your brother, would want to have you by his side for support until he gets banished by his leader!"
Nubia's voice is just a whisper.
I've never been so afraid.
"I swear Nadia, that I'll kill you if I ever see your pelt again."
Nubia launches himself at me and I shriek in terror, expecting him to crush me under his weight but I feel nothing and I look up to see that the lion who was first to go, Nix, is wrestling with Nubia in the grass. The smell of blood is everywhere and finally I come to the realization that I need to run.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Lion Age #1: Hunted *Chp. 7*Points:
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Hey there, again!^-^
Before I get on with the review, I'm just going to point one line out that rubbed me the wrong way:
I feel like this was a way of sneaking writing in to tell the readers a bit more about Nadia's father. Which, is lovely! Expect, in the scenario, it feels fairly forced and not so sneaky like. It just kinda pops up in the middle of nowhere, and I'm not sure I like that. Perhaps it can be tweaked and changed a bit?
I thought this was a very thrilling chapter! I was frankly quite surprised when Nadia chose Twilight Pride! It was very exciting though, finally hearing her decision, and I wonder how her life will be now that she's not with her best friend, her brother, or her mother? My curiosity is over the top, and I can't wait for more!
As far as Twilight Pride goes, and Nadia's decision, I feel as if there needed to be a bit more of a connection. You know, more of a foreshadowing? Some little writing before this that indicates that she's going to join it? It's a bit surprising - which is, yes, good - and maybe needs more meat to back it up.
On to Nubia! Yeesh, that lion is scary! I wonder what the fight between him and Nix was? Very curious about that, too. However, just like Twilight Pride, I thought this needed a bit more meat and structure surrounding it. We get his reason right after he advances on Nadia, but before, we didn't know much about him or his thoughts. The readers don't know much of Nubia as a character - a bit underdeveloped, I guess is where I'm getting at.
Anyway, this was definitely an exciting chapter! I love Nadia more and more as the chapters progress and I can't wait to find out more about her lion life and the Twilight Pride. Full of surprises, and once again very entertaining! Lovely work.
~ EternalRain
Oh, and do tell me when the next chapter is out!^^
Thanks for the review!!
Yes, that sentence I did add in right before publishing it because I was wondering what people would think of it. Now I know that I'll take out the second part.
Thanks for the info about adding more structure to why Nadia would choose Twilight Pride, I'll be sure to edit and add some more detail to her thoughts on Twilight Pride but also, more will be explained in the following few chapters. I have a feeling that you will be surprised with how chapter seven is going to go.
As for Nubia, yes, he is a very mean lion now that his sister 'abandoned him'. Again, more will be explained as to why Nix would stand up for Nadia but I will try to add in more detail to that situation before it happens although I'm not sure how to do so without giving away too much.
I will develop Nubia more-add in one or two memories of him and her playing together or something like that.
Again, thanks for the review!! And I will be sure to tell you when the next part is out (I'll post it as soon as review day is over)
You're welcome!
And no worries, I'm patient - and it's definitely not good to add too much information at once.
Okay, I see!
Glad I could help! ^-^ Can't wait for 7!
So bad that her brother told her so many stuff like that. It made me kind of sad. I had the feeling that Nix may be connected in all this and I was kind of right here, I think?
Anyways, I love the part part and the fact that he protected her. Now she needs to run. There are only several things that I want to point out so you can correct them in the future if you think they need to be corrected. I liked this part because you had finally let us see what is going to happen. It was really surprising for me to understand that she actually chose this pride. This will be really interesting even if I have no idea what may happen to her in that pride. Well, I loe the mystery hint also. Now to what I wanted to point out.
A little type there, 'ghasp' needs to be 'gasp'. I think you need to replace 'begin the next step in your life' with 'make the first step of your new life'. This correction can be made for the previous part also.
It needs to be 'lets' not 'let's' we talk about the verb 'let' not 'let's' that is used for sentences like 'Let's go!'.
It is connected with the Rite so it may not be something that needs to be corrected but I think it needs to be 'Selection Rite's territory'.
It needs to be 'You are just like him, Nadia, you know that?'
That is all. Good job and keep on writing!
Helloooooo there, it's my first time reading your story and i'm just a little newbie at doing reviews so hope you don't get offended and my review can help you at least a little bit!
"Simao smiles, "Nubia, son of Kira, you have joined us today to begin the next step in your life. You are cunning and agile. I assume you would make a very nice hunter if you where ever alone." I hear my mother ghasp and I also look at Simao in astonishment. Is he implying that Nubia is strong enough to take over a pride? Is he really saying that Nubia will become an outcast within the year?"
Overall I don't see any obvious mistakes except for the typo for "gasp" so no problemo there! Anyway I love your characters' name all of them sounds so....what's the word..uh lionish? It sounds exotic, wild and unique especially the name Simao it really fits. Besides for the name Nadia I haven't heard the others before hehe. Also I love the story plot and characters, a book about lions? Awesome totally, what inspired to write stg like this? Lion King?XD
Somehow this chapter reminds me of divergent, the part where the female lead, Tris abandons her own faction ya know, I've always love exciting plots like this.
Anyway good job it's awesome! I hope you continue with more wonderful works like this and I will definitely review you again so until next time then mate!
Cheerio~ <3