
Prologue
The warm morning air surrounds me and I breath it in deeply. The Savannah glows a pretty golden color as the sun rises in the distance. Everything is so beautiful this morning that I can't bare the thought of leaving it forever.
Tonight will change everything.
Everything about me will change.
If only I had more time to think about my selection. But I've had my whole life until now to make my selection and never thought to be serious about it so now it is my fault that I don't have time.
Chapter One
"Nadia?" My mother's voice sounds from across the Savannah Plane and I reluctantly get up, walking back to her protection.
"Why do you think that you can just go wherever you want, Nadia?" My mother glares at me and I know what's coming. Her long speech about how I could be killed by hyenas if I stray too far from the pride.
"Come on, mother! I'm two years old so I think I'm capable of fighting off a hyena!"
My mother growls at me with frustration, "You are not allowed to stray from the pride alone! You could be killed by hyenas or attacked by males!"
I give a small laugh and flick my tail in frustration, walking away from my mother without any other word.
Ever since my two litter mates died at birth, my mother has been over protective of me and my brother, Nubia. He's fine with her protection, because one day he might have to leave the pride to start his own and I suppose his philosophy is: why not use the protection while I have it?
But I hate the protection my mother provides.
I know that she is trying to keep me safe, but I don't know when she will realize, that I'll be an adult in a year. She doesn't let me participate in hunting, training and, she hardly ever let's me join in a play fight.
I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I shouldn't be so hateful to my mother, but sometimes that's easier to think than to do.
I look around the camp, trying to find a quiet spot to think.
Think about tonight.
At the age of two, each lion or lioness from each pride travels to the tip of their territories where all four pride territories meet.
The four prides are Day Pride, the strong and brave. Dusk Pride, the smart and calm. Twilight Pride, the medics for all the prides and my pride, Dawn Pride. The sly and quick to take action.
From the stories I've heard from the elders of Dawn Pride, each pride sits at the edge of their territory. The one who is first to arrive wins the privilege of going first. Each lion and lioness will come forward to stand next to their leader one at a time. The leader is the one who gives a small speech about the lion or lioness and then, when he is finished, the lion or lioness will choose the pride they want to join by walking into that pride's pride-grounds and roaring. After this they will find a place to sit next to their new pride mates.
For males, this process is a lot harder. If they choose to join a new pride they could either be excepted and will never be allowed to have cubs or they will be killed. If a male chooses to stay in his existing pride then he might have the chance to have one mate and one litter of cubs. Otherwise he will become an outcast at the age of three, when he matures into a complete adult and has the strength to take over the pride.
I have always wondered how Nubia is handling his decision. I would suspect that he will remain in Dawn Pride but I'm not quite sure. For a lioness, it is much easier to make a decision and lionesses never become outcasts, unless they are weak as cubs and their mother must leave them behind. A lioness is almost always wanted, so my mother had told me.
I wonder what my father would have told me. Would he have helped me make my decision or would he have told me, that I have to choose Dawn Pride, like my mother? But now that my father is gone, I guess I'll never know what he would have been like.
The Selection Rite is coming quickly and I still need more time to decide.
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Interesting excerpt. Though a tad telly, it nevertheless had a captivating flow to it. The concept seems interesting thus far; inspired by The Lion King, but not just another imitation. I'm curious to see how this story will turn out.
See mine #0000FF ">edits below:
Overall, for someone of your age, you have exceptional skill. Keep practising, and I am confident you will become one of the top 10%. And I don't say that to be flattering.
Ooooh, oh my goodness, reminds me a bit of Lion King! <3 It feels so Disney like with a spin of dystopian :O I love this so far!
The prologue, while interesting, felt a bit unnecessary to me. It read very much the same as the first chapter, and usually prologues aren't written this way. It's a nice little beginning, though, and I did like it! I just don't think I myself would classify it under the category of a prologue .
I'm really liking the plot - I think it's very interesting and definitely creative. It feels a bit like Divergent, like King below me has stated, but I'm sure in the long run it will run its seperate way. It's a completely different, refreshing story and the only thing similar is the "faction" or "pride" type things. I think you'll be fine! Anyway, I'm a huge fan of your plot already <3
This did feel a bit info-dumpy, at first. After thinking about it, though, it has soaked in and is better. But - for the future - I would refrain from giving too much information to the reader at once, because it tends to leave the reader in that "i'm reading but not actually reading" trance type of thing.
Very interesting indeed! I can't wait to get on to the next chapter.
~ EternalRain ^-^
Gymnast2801, this was an amazing chapter! I like how it is lions instead of people first off. But one think I would consider is re-reading before you publish. There where so spelling errors.
"After this they will find a place to sit net to their new pride mates." net should be next.
"For a lioness, it is much easier to make a decision and lionesses never become outcasts, unless they are week as cubs and their mother must leave them behind." weeks should be weak.
Other than that I do not see anything else. You did a magnificent job writing it and I can't wait to read chapter 2! Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading you other works in the future!
AshleyDashley
Thanks so much for the help AshleyDashley! I'll be sure to fix those spelling errors right away!
Okay you did a great job though.
The prologue was a very interesting one. I started to get curious about the work and what it could be about. We still not know anything about this character whose is main, but the mystery hint is always good at some points. For the prologue, I have no complains actually, only about one sentence.
I think I understand what you mean, but you can not leave it that confusing, and change it to one of these options:
'Everything will be changed for me.'
or
'Everything about me will change.'
This is all for this prologue. Now to the real thing, the first chapter.
I like that you add one more character, connected with the main one, at the very beginning. It is not very interesting with only one person in the story, at least for me in this situation.
The last sentence was really interesting, giving me hints, what the story may be about as whole. I think you can put a comma before 'Nadia' in her mother's speech. This is still optional.
Two years old? Amazing! The main is so young, but so wild and creative.
Good job with that one. Comma before 'mother' can be put.
I give a small laugh and flick my tail in frustration, walking away from my mother without any other word.
Ever since my two litter mates died at birth, my mother has been over protective of me and my brother, Nubia. He's fine with her protection, because one day he might have to leave the pride to start his own and I suppose his philosophy is: why not use the protection while I have it?
I know that she is trying to keep me safe , but I don't know when she will realize, that I'll be an adult in a year.
I shake my head to clear my thoughts. I shouldn't be so hateful to my mother, but sometimes that's easier to think than to do.
At the age of two, each lion or lioness from each pride travels to the tip of their territories, where all four pride territories meet.
The four prides are Day Pride, the strong and brave. Dusk Pride, the smart and calm. Twilight Pride, the medics for all the prides and my pride, Dawn Pride. The sly and quick to take action. reminds me of divergent, who knows why
The pride that if the one who is first to arrive wins the privilege of going first. Each lion and lioness will come forward to stand next to their leader one at a time. The leader is the one who gives a small speech about the lion or lioness and then, when he is finished, the lion or lioness will choose the pride they want to join by walking into that pride's pride-grounds and roaring. After this, they will find a place to sit net to their new pride mates.
For males, this process is a lot harder. If they choose to join a new pride they could either be excepted and will never be allowed to have cubs or they will be killed. If a male chooses to stay in his existing pride then he might have the chance to have one mate and one litter of cubs. Otherwise he will become an outcast at the age of three, when he matures into a complete adult and has the strength to take over the pride.
For a lioness, it is much easier to make a decision and lionesses never become outcasts, unless they are week as cubs and their mother must leave them behind. A lioness is almost always wanted, so my mother had told me.
I wonder what my father would have told me. Would he have helped me make my decision or would he have told me , that I have to choose Dawn Pride, like my mother?
Please, keep on writing! I am really interested in this story, and I hope I helped you.
I would love to review the following parts, too.
Thank you so much GreatKing for giving such a detailed review!!
I will be sure to change the punctuation errors and add in the words you also sent.
I actually came up with the idea for this story after asking myself if I could combine my favorite books into one completely new story and Diveregt was one of those favorite stories. If it reminds you too much of Divergent then I can change Dawn Pride to something else for their 'talent'.
I will defiantly think about adding another lion into the beginning and where to do so.
Again, thanks for the long review and compliments! I would love if you reviewed my other chapters also-I am going into Chapter Seven in my note pad but have decided to post each chapter one at a time for various reasons.
Sure, connect with me and message me when the following one is out.