Chapter Four
The night air pushes through my pelt and it makes me shiver as I run with the others of my pride. It's a long trek through marshland and grassland but after the nap I had earlier, I feel like I could run forever, although I know that is impossible.
"Are we almost there yet?" Nubia complains as we race on. Amina and I are in the lead with Simao and Corin closely behind, followed by Nubia and finally, my mother.
Simao replies, "It will only be another half-mile. Would you like to catch your breath before we arrive?"
Nubia nods and we all slow to a halt.
"Have you made up your mind?" I twitch my ear as Corin's warm breath floods into it. She must still be wondering which pride I will choose. I can't blame her though, I would be feeling the same way if she didn't know which pride she wanted to join.
"I think I have."
I try to sound sure of myself, and I think I am, but this selection is the hardest decision I've ever made so how can I know that I'm sure of myself?
The tip of Dawn Pride territory is in sight and I slow to a walk. Simao takes his place as leader, in the front of our group, and Amina follows close behind. We all march to the very end of our scented territory and then we take a seat, Anima and my mother laying down to show that they are neither leader nor two years of age.
I look around at my surroundings. To my left is Dusk Pride, their scent filling my nose as I turn my head towards them. Dusk Pride's lions are stalky and very muscular. They smell of water and grass so I suppose they crossed a stream to get here.
Twilight Pride lay in front of us, gazing around at everyone. They only have one cub and for the first time, I wonder how big their pride is.
Could they have a mega pride with thirty lionesses, or, because they're the medics and not considered a true pride, could they only have around five lionesses? Only two lions accompany the one cub, a lioness that looks to be very old, and the leader of the pride who also looks old, his face white with age. I don't think I can make out anyone else against the shadowy grasses.
Day Pride sits to my right, a large pride with seven cubs that have come to the Selection Rite. I have always heard rumors that Day Pride was the healthiest of all the prides and now I believe it. Their coats are glossy and they all seem well fed. Three lionesses lay in the grass and two males stand at the end of their territory. I try not to picture Corin standing happily with the Day Pride lionesses.
The leader of Dusk Pride steps forward, his large main rippling in the darkness, for now it is night time and the stars shimmer in the sky.
"Welcome all lions and lionesses to the Selection Rite!"
A lot of roars answer his greeting.
"As many of you cubs may not know, the Selection Rite was was founded by four brothers-the creators of these prides. Each brother took his ritefull amount of territory and began to raise a pride but over the years, these prides had made so many of their male cubs become outcasts that they where worried. Worried that these subadult males would turn on them just as their fathers had done. So these four brothers came together at this very spot to discus an idea that the leader of Dusk Pride had: what if they developed a system where the weaker males would be permitted to stay within the protection of the pride?
And so, the Selection Rite was formed, creating an easy gathering for prides, each month to bring forth their two-year-old cubs so that they would have a say in their future. Although this system was originally created for males, females where finally premited to join in the Selection Rite after quite a few years."
I smile, very thankful that the rules of the prides now allow females to join other prides.
"And now we stand here tonight to honor our past-leaders and to create new history. Tonight, we will join together!"
I can hear Corin breathing beside me, she must have liked this leader's speech, and I must admit that it was a very good one. It almost seemed as if the leader of Dusk Pride had practiced his speech, knowing that he would be first to arrive.
I push my thoughts away as the Dusk Pride leader announces, "Without further ado, let the Slection Rite begin!"
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hey, gymnast! clogs here for a review!
I'm kinda just dropping in the middle of your story without reading the previous chapters, so I apologize for that, haha.
I can definitely see the influence of Warriors in this. Not just the 4 separate Prides and the focus on feline characters, but the writing style itself. There's a lot of Warriors-style language. For example, glossy fur being an indicator of health. It's not exactly a bad thing, but you might just want to watch and try to catch yourself if you notice yourself sounding too much like the Erins. I've tried writing Warriors fanfiction before, so I know how hard it is to write about cats without writing in their style, but hey, that's fanfiction. Since this is an original idea, it can't hurt to try and distance yourself from them a bit.
A couple of things about this sentence:
1. Why did you hyphenate "marsh-land" and "grass-land"? I'm not sure if it's supposed to be the terminology of the Prides or something, but in human language, we would say marshland and grassland.
2. This is a run-on sentence. There are just too many ideas in it. I think you could probably fix this by getting rid of everything after the second comma. The readers know that it's impossible for anything to run forever, so you don't really need to tell us. We understand the hyperbole. Then, add a comma after "but" because it's a coordinating conjunction, and all run-on worries will be solved.
I picked this sentence because you have a couple of run-ons in this chapter, so I hope that you can use this advice to maybe identify and fix more of them. Self-editing is a very valuable skill! Make sure you read your writing to yourself and look for sentences that seem to run on too long, because it's tricky to spot them while you're writing them.
Part of what makes the Warriors world so rich and interesting is the little things that make them different from humans. For instance, how cats use "fox dung" as a way to express disgust or annoyance. Another example is how they use things like "rabbit-leaps" to measure things. It makes for very interesting worldbuilding. I've brought this up because the use of "mile" in this part makes the lions seem too close to human. I'd recommend sitting down and taking time to write out all the little quirks of the prides: Their expressions, their terminology, their etiquette, etc. Then, use these things consistently in your story, and it'll make for a really rich and interesting world.
Another thing I noticed is that a lot of the body language the lions use is very similar to that of the Warrior cats. That probably is because of the Erins' influence, but I'd love to see some body language that's specific to lions. Maybe take some time to research lion communication, movement, and body language, because I'm sure it's different from that of housecats.
Here's an example of what I'm talking about. Do lions smile? Is it physically possible for them to smile? Just things to think about when you're writing these characters.
*typo sirens* "main" should be "mane".
*typo sirens intensify* "Slection" should be "selection".
This seems to be less of a typo and more of a misspelling, but "ritefull" should be "rightful".
There are a couple more typos, but hopefully you can proofread this and find them for yourself.
Woah there! That's quite an info-dump. It comes across as a bit forced, because why would the leader feel the need to explain something that most of the lions already know? It's obviously meant more for the readers than the characters, which is a no-no. See if you can fit this information in more naturally elsewhere.
Overall, this does have my interest as of right now, so I'd love to see what you can do with this! Keep on writing, and happy Review Day!
And I had been hit by the Divergent feelings again. I will surely check the next part to understand what is going to happen and what pride she will choose. I kind of want it to be the one no one thought she will be in but this is still writer's choice and I can not tell you what to do. I got kind of curious. I had some stuff that I did not udnerstand fully in the previous parts and I am glad that you had let me understand a bit more now. Maybe the leader's speech was the best part for me because of the story he had told them and the details that you had put into this speech. I would love to know more about the forming of the four prides and the past of the brothers who decided to create them. I am sure many things will happen as the following parts release so I just hope you keep on writing and releasing them. Now, I just want to talk to you about several things here.
'Yet' and 'almost' are two words I do not think are pretty compatitive together in one sentence. If you want to ask with 'almost' it will be like this 'Are we almost there?'.
But if you prefer to use 'yet' which i think is the better choice, it has to be 'Are we there yet?'.
You just need space between 'half' and 'mile', nothing else.
So, 'half mile'.
This is actually optional and something connected with the question.
I think it needs to be 'I think I did.' but I think yours is okay also because you use 'have' as in the question.
The tip of Dawn Pride territory is in sight and I slow to a walk. Simao takes his place as leader, in the front of our group, and Amina follows close behind.
They smell of water and grass so I suppose they crossed a stream to get here.
Could they have a mega pride with thirty lionesses, or, because they're the medics and not considered a true pride, could they only have around five lionesses?
"Welcome all lions and lionesses to the Selection Rite!"
As many of you may know, the Selection Rite was was founded by four brothers-the creators of these prides. Each brother took his ritefull amount of territory and began to raise a pride but over the years, these prides had made so many of their male cubs become outcasts that they where worried. Worried that these subadult males would turn on them just as their fathers had done. So these four brothers came together at this very spot to discus an idea that the leader of Dusk Pride had: what if they developed a system where the weaker males would be permitted to stay within the protection of the pride?
This is totally my favourite part as I said! I think you do not need comma before 'these prides' but this is not such a big deal.
'past-leaders' needs to be 'past leaders'.
You had made us pause because of the commas so I think it needs to continue that way till the end of the sentence. You could put comma after 'admit' but this is optional.
Overall, good job and I am sorry that I am just noticing that this part is already released! Keep on writing.