Chapter Five
The first cub of Dusk Pride walks up to his leader. There are four in all but this is the only male. His coat is dark and he has a big main for his age but, because his features are so dark, is pale golden eyes strike me as odd.
The male lion stands facing his leader and the Dusk Pride leader begins, "Nix, son of Kama, you have joined us today to begin the next step of your life as a lion. You are brave and powerful and I know you will be a strong male with time. Nix, which pride do you select?"
Without a moment of hesitation Nix replies, "I select Dawn Pride!"
There is a moment of silence as this lion walks through the short grass that has been eaten down by many herd animals. Nix passes into Dawn Pride territory and stops, letting out a magnificent roar. This confirms that he has chosen Dawn Pride as his new pride. I catch movement out of the corner of my eye and turn my head to see Simao shifting nervously and I don't blame him. This lion is huge and muscular and he is only two years of age. I can't imagine the damage he could do when he is completely matured.
I turn my head back to Dusk Pride as their next cub steps up, a lith young lioness.
"Fabiola, daughter of Laden, you have joined us today to begin the next step in your life as a lioness. You are outgoing and smart so I am sure that you will make a wonderful huntress. Fabiola, which pride do you select?"
Not a moment passes before Fabiola let's out a roar on her same territory that she was born on.
Dusk Pride.
Her two sisters also choose Dusk Pride and I can see disappointment on Nix's eyes as he looks at Fabiola. Perhaps he was hoping to sire her cubs one day.
Now it is Twilight Pride's turn and the leader of Dusk Pride sits next to the three cubs that chose to stay with him. The leader of Twilight Pride stands up and so does the only cub. He looks around at all of the other prides before focusing on his leader. The leader lifts his head and speaks clearly:
"Zeppo, son of Vada, you have joined us today to begin the next step in your life. You are brave and loyal and will make a wonderful pride male one day. Zeppo, which pride do you select?"
I know he will choose Day Pride. They are known for being brave and loyal. Zeppo walks to the Day Pride territory but he doesn't stop there, and he actually passes through Day Pride and into Dawn Pride where he then let's out a roar and then comes to lay next to Nix. Two new males isn't good for Dawn Pride. It could easily be taken over and I can see fear in Simao's eyes as he glances in my direction but he's looking at Nubia and I'm sure he's wondering if he to, will choose Dawn Pride.
Next up is Day Pride with seven cubs, two of which are males. The leader of Day Pride introduces the first female, Gina, a beautiful, lightly colored lioness is bright eyes. She chooses Dusk Pride along with her three sisters. The two males are next and they choose to stay in Day Pride, as do the last two cubs. Day Pride seems happy enough although I notice that one of the leaders keeps looks at Gina. He must have wanted her and she does seem like a good lioness.
Simao stands up and walks forward a few paw-steps, signaling with his tail for Nubia to follow.
It's Dawn Pride's turn.
My pride's turn to select their fate.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hello - AnarchyWolf here to review on Review Day.
First of all, what I like and what you did well. The first thing I'll talk about is the names. I'm so glad you didn't name the lions some normal, north-american-or-English name. I'm going to guess that the names mean something relevant to the lions in their respective languages?
Your use of present tense makes your story stand out from the typical past-tense view. The reader also becomes a lot closer to the events of the story with his way of storytelling. The story seems a lot more urgent because the characters aren't looking back on it - as if they survived - but they're living through it at present, so there's no guarantee that they survive.
When you wrote "... Perhaps he was hoping to sire her cubs one day..." , it was quite a poignant moment. You get a sense for the families and friends who are being separated and almost torn apart by the selection rite.
The concept reminds me a bit of warrior cats, in a good way, with the different prides and cooperation between them. It's quite cool, and interesting. I'm excited to see if there'll be any clashes between them.
Secondly, what you could improve. A few spelling mistakes, lith should be lithe, and main should be mane and signaling should be signalling.
"...been eaten down by many..." , 'many' could either be replaced by 'the' or just omitted. It just seems unnecessary here, whereas the definitive article wouldn't be.
When you write in general, I get the feeling that you tell and don't show. It's a mistake that a lot of writers make, but it really detracts from your writing. Did a lion roar magnificently? Show it, don't tell it. Show the rippling of his lips and the resonance of the roar. Show the younger lions reacting, perhaps by flinching away or something. Show the elders' pride, show the lion's gleaming teeth. Stuff like that.
The sentence that starts paragraph eleven, that starts "I know..." strikes me as being far too long to deliver any kind effect. Split it into two or even three to make it more manageable for the reader, and it'd add more impact.
Final thing, I promise - "...He must have wanted her and she does seem like a good lioness..." seems kind of flat. You don't have to at all, because this is purely my opinion, but a semicolon or comma (between 'and' and 'she'. In the case of a semicolon, get rid of 'she') would separate it and make it seem more like a thought than a narration.
Anyway, this was a fun read. Kind of short, but good nonetheless. Hope it helped, and happy Review Day.
-AnarchyWolf
Hello there back again!
I loved this part also even if I hoped to finally understand what pride she will choose. Well, at least you had told us a bit more for the cubs of each pride. But do not be so detailed around them if they will not be important characters around the main one. Still the description is good the way it is. I hope I find description of the main character more indeep soon.
For this part I, unfortunately, found a bit more mistakes but this is nothing that can not be corrected after we go thought it. I will check the following part that had been already released if I can today. If no, tomorrow it will happen. Nix's was the one who I actually found most interesting and I kind of wish they are in the same pride which may be kind of silly.
Anyways, very good job.
So, for this part I am actually not sure how to correct it because it is wrong as a whole sentence. I think you mean that there is only one male and they are four cubs inthis pride.
'There are four and only one of them is male.'
This is how I think it can be.
I think you need to correct it to 'Dawn Pride's territory' because it is the territory of the Dawn Pride, right?
'Not a moment passes before Fabiola lets out a roar on the same territory she was born in.'
Dusk Pride.
This is optional but I think it can look better and more important if you Italic it.
Nix, son of Kama, you have joined us today to begin the next step of your life as a lion. ; Fabiola, daughter of Laden, you have joined us today to begin the next step in your life as a lioness.
The one coloured in green is the correct one and the one in red, wrong one.
Please see them both next to each other and correct the second the way you think is okay.
The same for this one:
Zeppo, son of Vada, you have joined us today to begin the next step in your life. You are brave and loyal and will make a wonderful pride male one day. Zeppo, which pride do you select?
'Two new males' are two people, so, plural.
'Is' can not be used for plural nouns.
So it needs to be 'are not' or 'aren't'.
'a beautiful, lightly hair colored lioness with bright eyes.' At least this is how I understood it. You may think of other ways to say it but it surely needs to be 'with bright eyes'.
That is all with my complain!
Keep on writing and I hope you keep on improving.