Chapter Three = Opel
"Alright everybody, keep it up!"
I breath heavily as I pull myself out of the icy cold water of my swim team's pool. My coach, Mrs. Marten, stands on the other side of the pool with her long blond hair waving wildly as she turns her head in all different directions, trying to watch the whole swim team at once. Today's drill is tough because we have a swim meet in two weeks but, I guess, it's worth the extra effort if these drills will make us better.
"Okay everyone!" Mrs. Marten yells, "Out of the pool!"
The rest of my team follows me as I walk to the towels but Mrs. Marten stops us, "It's not time to finish girls." I turn and see a girl standing beside her. I wonder who she is? I haven't seen her in school but I shrug and walk over, and again, everyone follows, including my two sisters who are also on the swim team.
When everyone is gathered around our coach and the new girl, Mrs. Marten begins, "Ladies, I would like to introduce Rachel Abbyson!"
The new girl, Rachel, blushes and gives us a small wave. There are ten of us on the swim team and with all attention on her, I'm sure Rachel feels intimidated. I give a wave back, along with a few other girls but the mean girls, Nicole, Meghan and Stella, don't even look at her.
"Everyone..." Mrs. Marten starts to speak again in her loud voice but I loose interest as I look at Rachel, her hair light blond and her skin tanned. She has a bunch of freckles across her face and her eyes are bright blue. Everything about her screams beach girl and I wonder where she came from? Maybe she goes to my school and will be introduced tomorrow?
I remember my first day of school. I had been eleven-years-old and in fith grade when we moved to our current neighborhood, Beach Front Boulevard. My sisters and I had to change schools and I remember being bullied on the very first day.
"Opel Sanders." My new teacher had called, asking for me to stand. I did so and she asked, "Would you please tell us a bit about yourself?"
I nodded and said, "My name is Opel Sanders and I am eleven. I just moved from Hialeah Gardens with my two sisters, Katie and Ginny. We have a house-cat named Smudge and he is grey with a white smudge on his face."
"Very nice Miss Sanders." My teacher applauded, "I see that you are very confident in public speaking?"
"Yes." I replied, nodding and blushing with embarrassment as a few kids looked at me with envy.
"Good for you." My teacher had smiled, "Welcome to Rivers Burg Middle School; we are happy to have you."
After I introduced myself, we went on with class until, finally, we had a bathroom break. I got up to go to the bathroom and three other girls did too. I walked down the hall and the three girls followed behind me, entering the bathroom only seconds after in did. I was about to go into a stall when one of them jumped in front of me and slammed to stall door shut, so that I couldn't get in. I backed away and bumped into two other girls behind me. Their arms where crossed and they had a smirk on their faces. The one to the right stepped forward, her black hair rippling and shining in the bathroom light. "So, new girl." She leaned in close and had a cruel smile, "You seem to know a lot, don't ch'a? I mean, you spoke very well in class."
I glanced at all three girls and then, finally, back to the girl who had talked to me, "T-Thank you."
The girl smirked and exclaimed, making a pouting face, "Aww, look who can't speak now! Is the little new girl scared?" She laughed and as she did so, I darted for the door but I was too slow and the black-haired girl kicked my legs, making me fall to the ground. Pain seared through my wrist as I caught myself and I quickly turned around, cradling my wrist as it burned like fire. It took all of my concentration not to scream and start crying. The second girl, a tall, pretty one with blond hair, kicked me in the ribs and the black-haired girl bent in close to me, her breath hot on my face as she stated, "You know, new girl, your no better than anyone else so I suggest that you run along and don't tell anyone about this little...misshapen. I'm sure that wrist won't hurt for long, loser."
I had ended up not telling anyone except my two sisters. The next day, they
followed those three girls, Ginny leading. All that I heard from them when they came back was that those three girls would not bother me again.
And they haven't.
Because those three girls are the same three girls who are mean on my swim team.
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
This part was very interesting! I like that you really had showed us more from her past and what connect her in some kind of a way with the new character. I think they may become very good friends! Really hertbreaking past though. This was a very sad part. Now, to the small nitpicks. I hope to see more of the main narrator's story.
'blond' needs to be 'blonde'.
Action between dialogue can not end with comma.
Fullstop after 'yells'.
You can not have comma here either.
This is not a question but a statement so it needs to end with a fullstop.
'loose' needs to be 'lose'.
You do not need the dashes in 'eleven-years-old' and 'fifh' is 'fifth'.
'house-cat' needs to be 'house cat'.
The second dialogue part is not a question so end it with fullstop. I think you can put one comma on before 'Miss Sanders' and you can not have a comma after 'applauded'.
'where' is 'were'.
'your' needs to be 'you're' and 'misshapen' is 'mishap'.
You had forgotten the 'to' after 'telling'.
That is all for this part!
Keep on writing.
I advice you to choose how you will write the action part after a dialogue (small or big letter in the start)
Hi Gymnast! (Is it alright if I call you that?) Mage here to review your story!
In this chapter, the reader finally learns about Opel's past. We also get to learn about what she does after school, and meet a new character. Hello there, Rachel! So, let's get onto the nitpicky stuff, shall we?
You put "Four" instead of "Three".
There's several things wrong with this. First, there should be a comma between "towels" and "but", and one between "finish" and "girls". The last thing is something you do throughout this chapter. The comma after "us" should be a period. You only use a comma when someone is talking. For example, if it was "Mrs. Marten says," or "Mrs. Marten stops us with,". Because it's an action unrelated to talking, you don't need one currently.
Because this is a statement, you don't need the question mark.
This sentence is a run-on sentence. Also, you need a comma before "but" and a comma after "sisters". Right now, "my two sisters who are also on the swim team" implies Opel has many sisters, and the two following her are the ones who are members of the swim team. With the comma, it's saying her two sisters, Ginny and Katie, are also members of the swim team. See the difference?
There should be a comma between "and" and "with".
"Loose" should be "lose".
You don't need the dashes in "eleven-years-old". Also, "fith" should be "fifth".
There should be a comma after "Sanders" and the "m" of "my" should be lowercased.
"Your" should be "you". There should be a period after "else". And "misshapen" should be "mishap".
This one is worded weirdly, and I don't see the reasoning behind "because". I was suggest removing "and" in the sentence prior to this one, and changing "because" to "and". Also, I would suggest changing the second part of the sentence to "are the same three mean girls on my swim team."
I'm excited to see what happens next! I suspect Opel is going to attempt to befriend Rachel because she understands what it's like to move to some place new. Also, I noticed you're thirteen. I just wanted you to know my writing wasn't this good at thirteen. So you should be proud of yourself! You're doing great for someone your age!
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!