By Me, Gymnast2801
Chapter One = Opel
I can hear the waves.
They lap at the sandy shore as I walk home from school. I wonder how many people get killed by waves every year. Maybe it isn't many since most of the earth isn't next to a beach, but I'll look that up when I get home. Perhaps I can find an answer to one of my many questions in life.
I stop walking and wait for a car to stop moving along our busy road so that I can get to the far sidewalk. I'm almost home now and my two sisters can't be far behind. Since Katie and Ginny are part of the school band, they have to stay late sometimes so they can practice. Band has never interested me for some reason. Both my parents where in the collage band and that's how they met, I suppose. But band is just another thing to do on top of all my other work and I've never been very good with instruments so in my mind, why bother?
A car finally stops for me and I run across the street, only stopping when I reach
the other sidewalk. I then turn and walk a few houses down until I come upon my house; a medium sized cape cod with white trim . I walk up the steps and knock on the door. My mom opens it just a few moments later and I step inside, the Miami heat fading away as I enter the air-conditioned house.
"How was school?" My mom asks, taking off her reading glasses. She smiles when I look at her, the wrinkles getting deeper around her mouth. I smile back and set my backpack on the kitchen table. "School was good. I have to write an essay for LA."
My mom is already back to her book by the time I'm done talking, sitting on the couch in the living room with the family cat, Smudge. My mom likes to read and Smudge likes to curl up on her lap and sleep there for hours. I guess I can't blame the cat, it would be nice to be able to curl up on a warm lap.
I hear the doorbell go off once, twice, three times. I groan and walk to the door,
unlocking the bolt and opening the door to find my two sisters, Katie and Ginny, standing outside in the heat.
"For crying-out-loud Opel, can't you open the door any faster?" Ginny complains as she walk inside and throughs her bag on the ground. I frown at her and she ignores me, reaching into the freezer for a popsicle. Katie puts her backpack next to mine and smiles at me, "Guess what!" She exclaims.
"What?" I ask, wondering what Katie would be so excited about.
"Well," Katie starts, "it turns out that the band needs a new, solo trumpeter, to play in the parade next month and I got the part!"
I smile at my sister, her excitement shining clearly in her eyes. "That's great Katie!"
She blushes and smiles but then she turns around as Smudge hops onto the kitchen table next to her. She talks to him just as we all do and he purrs, rubbing his grey and white head against her arm.
"Opel!" I her my mom call from the living room and I quickly leave Katie to be with
the cat, walking over to my mom, "Opel, I think you should start on the essay. When did you say it was due?"
"It's due Tuesday."
A week from today.
"Okay, well you might want to start researching a topic because I know how long that can take you." She smiles and I smile back because what she says is true. I can't ever decide on an essay topic and one time I ended up deciding the day before the essay was due. I don't want to be in the situation again.
"Okay, mom." I turn and leave the room, grabbing my backpack and walking down the hall, into my room. My soft yellow walls seem to smile at me as I set my backpack down on the floor and walk to my desk, but then I pause for a moment as something catches my eye from out of my window. It's the ocean waves, rolling on to the sand, which reminds me about that question I asked myself while I was walking home from school: how many people get killed every year by ocean waves?
I log into my laptop and go to Google, typing in the same question that I just asked myself a moment ago. I click on the first link that comes up and read,
Year after year, the oceans most successful killer is not the great white shark. It's
not the deadly jellyfish. Now even monster waves or hurricane-force winds. Your worst ocean nightmare during a day at the beach is more likely to be a rip current, experts say.
I shiver, nervous, and continue to read,
Every year, more than one-hundred beachgoers drown in these strong rushes of
water that pull swimmers away from the shore. And that's just in the United States. Nearly half of all rescues made by lifeguards at ocean beaches are related to rip currents, according to the United Started Lifesaving Association. Sharks typically kill about six people a year globally.
I just stare at my computer screen. How could I never have known about a rip current?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hello there, beloved writer.
I really like the start and think of continuing to read this story. I can not officially say that I am interested in this story because I still do not get what the main topic of the story will actually be but I see I have more parts to read and try to figure this out by my own self. I think you had started the storyline very well, decribing the main narrator's daily life and her family, together with their own attitute and features. I just want to see more about the narrator herself, maybe more about how she looks and how she acts. A bit was undrestood in this part about her being bad writing essays as homework for school. I hope this turns out into something amazing.
In the previous sentence you talk about people who get killed by waves.
'people' is plural.
In this sentence you have 'it isn't many'.
If we talk about many people, then it needs to be 'they aren't'.
'many' shows us that it is not only one thing so there is no sense to use 'is' with it.
'earth isn't next to a beach' was kind of a confusing part for me. Maybe it just sounded unrealistic.
Where needs to be were.
I do not know why these two parts of one sentence are so far away from each other/on different lines and it is visable. This happens when you copy something and pause it right away. This may be it or a mistaken hit of the enter button.
Crying out loud is seperated.
Throughs needs to be throws. They sound very alike so maybe you mistaken them this way, I suppose?
Also, walk needs to be walks. We talk about her, right?
Maybe other people had said that before me but I want to point it out because I see it here.
You can not put comma after the action at all. Even more when it is between two dialogue parts.
(Katie starts.)
I think 'I got the part' is not the best way you can say it.
Maybe, place or role. I do not know. This is optional.
You talk about it like she got the other part of the cake.
You need to put comma before the name because you talk to this person.
These two parts need to be together as well.
It is hurricane force.
The oceans needs to be the ocean's.
United Started needs to be United States.
That is all from me for this part!
Keep on writing.
Hey Gymnast2801, it's AshleyDashley here for a quick review!
First off, this chapter was great! I loved the characters and my favorite so far is Smudge. I love cats-----even if I am allergic to them. Anyway I like how you set the beginning I think you did a fabulous job with it and along with introducing the characters!
This can all be one paragraph. I don't know if you intended it this way but it would be easier to read if it were.
In this the United Stated Lifesaving Association it should be United States Lifesaving Association.
Overall you did a magnificent job writing this. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
Hey!
Thanks so much for this review--I'll be sure to fix the stuff you told me to!
And that first mkstake was because I past everything from my notes so sometimes it adds an extra paragraph when I don't want one
Anyway, thanks again!
Welcome!
Woooo Baywatch reboot!!!!!!!
.....sooo happy
What's Baywatch?
Hi Gymnast2801! Mage here to review your story!
First off, I love Smudge. I mean, I love the characters. (As all cat owners know, cats are the most important characters in a literally work.) The question about waves killing people is a morbid, and one I would most likely someday come up with if I hadn't read this story first.
Let's get onto the nitpicky stuff, shall we?
Because this is a statement, it doesn't need a question mark.
"That" isn't needed in the sentence.
"Where" should be "were", and "collage" should be "college".
There should be a comma after "so" and before "in".
The "m" of "my" should be lowercased.
This should be a separate paragraph because Opel is speaking, not her mom.
The comma between "cat" and "it" should be a period.
"Throughs" should be "throws".
"Her" should be "hear".
The sentence would read better if "the" was "that".
The "m" in "mom" should be capitalized.
There was weird formatting throughout chapters. Sentences were cut off and formatted as if they were separate paragraphs. Also, when Opel is reading the article, the article should be in quotation marks.
Please notify me when you post another chapter! I enjoyed reading this a lot. Keep up the great work - I doubt you'll have trouble - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Hi Mage! Thanks so much for this review, it means a tone since my other stour hasn't gotten one review in over a week but let's not talk about that
Sorry to ask but that do you mean by "weird formatting"?
And about the arrtical, I copied and pasted it off of Google but I will be sure to add in those question marks.
And one interesting fact about this story: me and my friend are swapping out each chapter. Katie is based off of my friend and I'm Opel (not in real life though) and we will be swapping each chapter out so this will be interesting but thanks for the request of me telling you when the next part is our, I will be sure to do that!
You're welcome!

Look at the beginning of the next chapter. That's the easier to find and a good example of it.
So it is a real article...That was going to be my next question. My advice is to eventually change the contents of the article. If you ever want to publish this, there will be copyright issues.
Alright then! I'm off to read Katie's chapter right now!