By my friend, Gymnast2002
Chapter Two = Katie
I sit at the round kitchen table, attempting to do my algebra homework. I try to
fit the numbers together correctly but it's so confusing that, finally, I give up. I leave the table and go get a Coke from the fridge. Ginny is texting someone from the living room, and Opel is down the hall, in her room. I take a big drink of the Coke and the bubbles tickle my mouth.
"Hey Katie." I hear a voice from across the room. It's my dad, he just got home
from work as a teacher at Elm Heart Elementary School.
His voice sounds strained, and he looks exhausted.
"Hi dad," I say, gulping down the last of the fizzy drink.
"Is school going ok?" He asks.
"Yeah, it was alright."I reply.
He puts his work bag by the door, then walks over to the living room to talk with mom. I walk down the hallway and turn left, heading into my bedroom. I sit on my bed and look down at a book I forgot to put away but I quickly look up again when Opel walks into my room.
"Hey, I'm going on a walk if you want to come." Opel stands in the middle of my light purple room and looks around, eyeing my collection of stuffed animals.
"Oh, sure!" I reply and get up, sliding into a pair of flip flops.
"Alright. Now we should keep ask Ginny if she wants to come." She replies and walks down the hall and into our 'hangout room' as my parents call it. Me and my sisters call it The Nook and it has a tv, Xbox, sofa and a table where we find Ginny doing homework.
"Do you what to come on a walk with us?" I am Ginny and she looks up from English homework and nods, "Sure!"
Opel and Ginny are already at the door by the time I arrive.
"Hurry up Katie, you take forever!"Ginny groans.
"Stop whining Ginny, you take forever too." I snap back. She rolls her eyes and I make an ugly face. Opel sighs, but I ignore her.
"Bye girls!" Mom replies, not looking up from her book, " Be back by eight-thirty."
"Alright mom." Opel shouts back before Ginny slams the front door shut. I can hear the waves roll on the sand and the hot Miami air is brutal, but it'll get a little cooler as the sun sets.
We walk on the sand, being careful to not fall into the salty waters.
"It's so hot!" I complain. Even though I was born and raised in Miami, I can't seem to get used to the heat.
"It's not too bad. Not as bad as last summer!" Opel reminds us. We laugh, remembering that summer where we all stayed indoors, eating Popsicles and trying to stay cool.
"Hey!" A boy across the sand shouts from the Beach Burger Cafe. We head over to the cafe to see Asher, the fifteen-year-old boy who always serves us when we order our food.
"Hi Asher." I shout back and wave. We approach the cafe.
"Hey you three!" he laughs loudly.
"Hi Asher, how's work going?" Opel asks.
"Eh, I've had better days." Asher pauses, his face turning a bit more red than it already is and he says quickly, "Would you three like to go to a party with me on Friday?" Asher blushes. His sandy blond hair blows in the wind and his blue eyes flash back and forth nervously, "I don't like to go alone. It's awkward and I don't enjoy parties."
"Yeah, I'll go!" I say a little too eagerly. I have a crush on him and always get nervous around him. Opel and Ginny stare at me and I know why: I've told them I like him. I turn around and glare at them, daring them not to say anything. They smile back and I roll my eyes and turn back towards Asher.
"I'll go to, I guess," Opel says.
"No way." Ginny says and crosses her arms.
"Please!" I bat my eyes and nudge her. She gets annoyed with me but, finally, gives in.
"Alright. But we are definitely not your dates." She growls.
"You three as my dates? Please, I couldn't even keep up with one of you. You are so close that if I ever made one of you upset, the other two would come after me!" he laughs heavily, his voice sounding so sweet.
We all get embarrassed, even though it is completely true.
"Bye Asher, we have to go now." Ginny says and pushes me and Opel away from the cafe.
"Bye!" he calls as we round the corner.
It gets late and we return to our house. We walk in and head over to get a popsicle.
"Hey, Katherine, wait a minute." my mom says as I walk by. She doesn't use my nickname, Katie, which everyone calls me nowadays.
"Yeah mom?" I reply curiously.
"I saw your algebra on the table. Did you need help?" She asks. My mother is good in math but I'm not so great.
"No, I think I understand it now." I say and walk away without saying anything more.
"Alright Katherine." she says and goes back to emailing her friend from work. I wish she would call me Katie but I am too hot and tired to correct her.
I get out a purple popsicle, my favorite, from the freezer. As I munch on the flavored ice, Opel, Ginny and I talk about the party. Asher texted me and said it was at the beach, on Friday at eight-thirty and would end at ten. There would be a bunch of people there, a lot of them in my eight grade classes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Well, this part was more exciting than the previous one. I found some nitpicks but they are nothing too much to be honest. I think they can be connected and understood easily because I know you are a very talented and understanding person. A sweet beachy description with a sudden appearance of someone who might be liked from all of them. If they all actually like him, then this will be really interesting, I know. Ready to jump into the next part.
Here the same thing that I saw in the previous part of this story. I do not know why this is such a big problem but it really stands out and not in the good way for me at least.
Comma before the name.
You need space before 'I'.
You need no comma before 'then'.
If you use 'then' to show us some kind of result then you can use comma.
You can use comma also when it is dependent sentence first before the independent one and connect them this way.
You have neither in this situation. No comma.
possible comma before if
I just want to point out that this sentence is totally right in my opinion.
The order of the sentence proves the not needingless of this comma.
It needs to be ordered the total opposite way for you to have a comma there. I think it is okay this way but who knows.
Maybe the comma can be there because of the 'Hey'.
You need to remove the 'keep'.
'am' needs to be 'ask'.
Comma before Katie and one more before Ginny.
'where' is 'were'.
Cafe is Café. Same in the next sentence.
You do not need the dashes in 'fifteen-year-old'.
Commas before Asher.
You started in sudden with the small letters. Choose between small and big because it is a total mess.
Comma before her name.
'in' is better as 'from'.
That is all for this part!
Keep on writing.
Hi Gymnast2801! Mage here to do the promised review!
I like this chapter. I can see where it's heading, but that's not a bad thing. Let's get to the nitpicky stuff, shall we?
When referring to someone by a title like Dad or Mom, the first letters should be capitalized because they're that person's name. This happens several times during this chapter.
The "h" in "he" should be lowercased.
There should be a space between the quotation mark and "I". Also, the period after "alright" should be a comma.
There should be a coma between "walk" and "if".
"Keep" shouldn't be in the sentence.
There are two problems with this sentence. The first is "tv" should be capitalized. The second is it should be "My sisters and I". However, if that's your way of conveying Katie's character, then keep it.
"Am" should be "ask". This sentence is a run-on sentence, so put a period after "homework" and change it to "She nods". Instead of a comma after "nods", put a period.
This is also a run-on sentence. I would suggest changing the second "and" to "before".
The wrong "to" was used here. The correct one is "too".
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!